Wanting confirmation of abuse from my counsellor

[SunshineRainflower]

I have been having counselling with a non-abuse specialist charity. I like my counsellor, she is an older lady and I have felt comfortable telling her pretty much everything, including sexual things which I felt too awkward telling other counsellors. She si the third counsellor I have tried this year.

What I am questioning though is the style of counselling, and whether it is right for me. I am craving validation of what I went through. For example, if I tell her of an example of abuse, I really want her to confirm it was abuse and say ‘yes that is an example of emotional abuse’ and for her to confirm to me that my ex fits the profile of a psychopath with his lack of empathy, guilt, remorse, pathological lying and cheating. But she doesn’t, it’s all a bit vague. She has said things like ‘hmm, calculated’ about my ex’s behaviour, but it doesn’t feel enough.

I also believe my brother is a n********t, one of the main reasons I wanted counselling was to unpick the reasons why I have ended up with several abusive men. I have realised that most of them are similar to my brother, who is still emotionally and used to be physically abusive towards me since childhood. He is a very unpredicatable, moody person, is often very charming but then he suddenly snaps, irritable and angry, or mocks me and criticises me and puts me down. He always makes me feel so bad about myself and I feel like I am the stupid, immature, lazy, rubbish member of the family while he always presents himself as this holier than thou superior being passing judgement on everyone else’s behaviour, when in fact he is the one with a criminal record, he is an alcoholic and a sex addict. My mum worships him and won’t hear a bad word said about him, despite of all the bad things he has done in his life. It was only when I read up on abuse due to my ex that I realised that my brother has always treated me in this abusive way and started to put the puzzle together.

I just want someone who understands abuse and can confirm it and validate it and help me make sense of my past and help me change my pattern so that I can start and maintain a relationship with a non abusive man. When I told my counsellor about my brother she said he sounded troubled but avoided my question when I asked if she thought he was abusive towards me. She said that the family dynamic sounded unhealthy, but that made me feel partly to blame. This makes me feel uneasy and confused. I want to feel clear and stable so I can make sense of my life and not blame myself for the way other people have treated me. Do you think it’s best to seek out an abuse specialist counsellor? Did your counsellors confirm and validate what you went through or say things like ‘well I trust your perception of it?’

[KIP.]

I tried two before I finally went to a private specialist. It was night and day. What you could do is show your current therapist your post and ask what she thinks. I had very complex issues around PTSD but if you feel you have a connection with this woman it might be good to explore what you actually want from her. The first two just sat and listened and kept passing the buck back to me. Like how did that make you feel etc etc. The third lady explained the dynamics of the abuser and what he got out of making me feel that way. I can’t tell you how much of a difference that made to me. To feel validated to tell me that she one hundred percent believed everything I said. With the first two (NHS) I don’t think they even cared. One actually yawned! Didn’t even try to hide it. If this is your third and you’re still not getting what you want then perhaps it’s time to track down a specialist. I couldNt get one on the NHS. Had to pay private £120/hr and I would do it again.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your reply KIP, yes the description of your third counsellor is exactly what I want. I don’t want someone who passes it all back to me, I want validation of what I went through. I’ve had years of therapy already looking at my own thoughts, this time I want to talk about what has been done to me and have confirmation and validation. The only thing is I am looking for work and can’t afford £120 an hour! I have found some local private counsellors who have a sliding scale of payment I could maybe just about afford but I don’t know their background or approach, they are going to get back to me. I will ask my current counsellor about this and see what she says, I think she already knows because I have asked her if she believes me and she said she ‘she accepts my perception of things’ which was not the answer I wanted!

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