Wanting to break no contact, please help x

[Beenherebefore]

Hi all

I hope you are all safe and well.

So as I have mentioned before, I am still working with my perp but have just got a new job that I am really happy about. This co-incides with the fact he has been off on long term sick with stress and depression though there have also been rumours of him going into rehab for his drinking/ drugs though no one knows if they are true. We split a x years ago and he went back to his ex with their child though I don’t think they are ‘together’.

He is unlikely to be back at work before I have worked my notice and though I realise this is probably a good thing, I have returned to pining for him, torturing myself thinking about the ‘good times’ but most of all feeling worried for him and cant help thinking if I had been stronger then I could have helped him to get the help he needed and we would be together and happy now. I have an overhwhelming urge to say good bye / tell him that I love him and see if he’s ok. This is particularly awful as I am in a new relationship with man who is kind and supportive and whom I share a life with. Recently however my new partner (who has never been particularly ‘romantic’) has let slip that he has long since been head over heels in love with me, drunkenly told me the other night I was not the love of his love (his ex was) though he backpedalled on this immediately and when I asked him if he thought I was a ‘safe’ option he said yes (before then apparently understanding what it meant). I gathered from our relationship anyway he felt like this but I think everything has reached a head at once.

When my ex used to make up with me, he was more romantic than you would ever see in the movies, he had the words of a thousand Romeos. He made me feel like we were meant to be. Christ, I must sound so naive saying that but he did…. The thought of not saying goodbye to his face makes me literally want to give up. All this time I have been waiting for an opportunity to move on and now its here, I dont want to have the closure.

This is consuming my thoughts and I am finding it so hard to get the work done that I have only a short time to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you x x

[KIP.]

You say ‘when my ex used to make up with me’. Try to remember why he had to make up with you. Also, here’s something I wrote down from a previous post.

My ex is a liar, a rapist, an adulterer, an abuser, and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner, my soul mate, and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. He groomed me. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…

But he was lying the whole time. All the things he told me including a marriage proposal within weeks of meeting, all a fantasy. He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied, threatened, intimidated and terrorised me, to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence). To cause further confusion, he would behave like Jekyll and Hyde. Jumping from extremely aggressive and terrifying behaviour, back to the perfect partner and soul mate I was led to believe he was. He just couldn’t sustain this act, and invariably his mask would slip and I would once again be terrorised to the point where, on many occasions, I contemplated suicide. This kind of behaviour caused trauma bonding or Stockholm syndrome. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Anxiety, Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The real him is a self-serving, nasty individual who I never would have fallen for if he had revealed his true self to me.

He eroded away my confidence and happiness. I didn’t realise until it was too late and I became a shaking, tearful introverted shadow of my former self, sitting at home scared to go out yet scared to stay in.

So what you miss is not the real him. It’s the good parts our brains like to push to the front as the bad parts are just too awful to deal with. Get off the roundabout of abuse and stay off.

[Nova]

oh my ladies, KIP strong & true as ever! those words resonate with me too and Beenherebefore hoping you too!
Its tougher than tough..and you know what going back, is a dead end.
the more you mull it all over the easier their emotional blackmail entraps you…sadly their words are totally empty.
(Detail removed by moderator) guess what he emailed me for a few minutes I felt a pang, I texted a friend, she has been through DA she knows the score. She said are you just missing ‘a relationship with a nice guy…is he manipulating you…what did he say & why??’…it made me think, reading between the lines, I could see he was doing the manipulation the hoovering, totally denying his part in this…instead focusing on him being a good man, honest and kind blah blah blah how he couldn’t understand why I was like that, I was WRONG! (I lived with him over a decade…seriously?) and it was all in my head (detail removed by moderator)

I switched back to reality immediately…what an eye opener…I wanted to say I ran away from you you horrible pig…Though my final words were. (Detail removed by moderator)

don’t bother with the trash you got rid of, leave it in the dump, where it belongs!!

hugs Cx

[Beenherebefore]

KIP and Cuppa! This:
‘My ex is a liar, a rapist, an adulterer, an abuser, and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner, my soul mate, and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. He groomed me. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…’

This is so so SO true of my situation! Your post makes me remember that very early on I confided in him about all the bad relationships I had had before him which must have given him a clear insight into my insecurities, what I wanted from a man and what ‘triggers’ I had as well as my emotional needs. Basically giving him everything he would need for his abuse! I always like to see the good in people and kept wanting to believe that he was real and existed because I wanted that love so badly, that ‘validation’.

Again ‘He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied, threatened, intimidated and terrorised me, to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence)’
Me too!! He lied. He went to great lengths to lie but then never followed though on what he was saying….he told me my phone was being hacked by his friend so he knew all the messages Id sent, he told me if I told him about every sexual partner Id had he would confess something that he had to tell me (which he didn’t), he told me he wasn’t sleeping with his ex when I’m almost 100% sure he was, he lied to work, he would control me with big dramatic scenes of leaving me, packing a bag and messaging me the alleged number of his travel ticket (I later found out to be rubbish). He lied, oh my how he lied!! How was my brain forgetting this!!!

‘Jumping from extremely aggressive and terrifying behaviour, back to the perfect partner and soul mate I was led to believe he was.’He would yell at me, make me feel like sh*t and then force me to ‘dance’ with him to make it up or as I protected myself in the bedroom he would sit in the living room and shout different obscenities at me as he watched tv. I used to have to hand over my phone / put it in a particular place on my return home, show him I was putting it on loud so he could see I wasn’t deceiving him. If it went off quietly and he heard it, my life was officially over. Yet days later he would send me super romantic memes and text messages as if none of it had ever happened and I was the apple of his eye.

WHEN IS MY BRAIN GOING TO KEEP REMINDING ME THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!

Phew! Wow. Sorry for waffling. I think I had blocked that all out of my memory a little bit but this post has triggered all those things. What a horrible man.

Thank you Cuppa and Kip. xx

[Beenherebefore]

P.s. Cuppa, well done you on holding your nerve when he messaged you and reaching out for help. That is something I need to do more rather than acting on impulse x x

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Always remind yourself why u left, u dont need to say bye to some one like that, who cares if he is off sick long term, he chose to go back to his ex, whether they are still together or not , do not care , they lied and trick us , stay well away

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you Confused123 xx

[Nova]

Beenherebefore…tough isn’t it?! & we get it …you know we have been to that place too…of total confusion and loving and manipulation love bombing trauma bonding…it’s SO difficult to explain unless you have been there…!

My ex used to take over the kitchen as I said I liked to cook, so he wanted me out of that space…to show he was boss…now he liked cooking more than me…I liked driving …he bust my car, accidentally/on purpose…now he took over the driving, driving fast to scare me on purpose tutting and glaring swearing at anyone…and hating me in the car…’I used to like driving before you got in the car’ ( apparently classic Dominator behaviour)…now he had the car. You know what I could be here all night writing a long long long list…we are all on the same page!
We know who they are…spiteful hateful self obsessed angry empty cowards!

He emailed me again today ( as he hasn’t got his own way!…only about finance nothing more no real love or care same old rubbish…nothingness)

Whingeing on totally pathetic gutless …on about himself (surprise surprise!) he thinks he’s got something new to say ( not) ..how there’s no point in us emailing as it’s futile ….err I didn’t …& let’s stick to the reason we are having to do this at all …money….as I said if I get a lawyer it’s being included in the settlement!

He wants it all…and he’s not going to get it all…when you don’t give in and don’t play their game by their rules they do the ignoring/silencing/victim act..because they can’t cope with it/us being different! I’m not playing anymore That is for certain. It actually gives me more courage to get the hell away from him even further in every way. It’s over and he will face the consequences basically himself.

C xx

[Eve1]

Hi Beenherebefore,

I hope these posts are helping you. Our brains let us down, don’t they. But it’s not our fault. These men do such a good job of duping us.

Love and best wishes to you.

Xx

[Pondlife]

Please don’t crumble. I know you are pining and want some kind of closure, plus you must be feeling after what your current partner said. But remember these men don’t stick to normal rules. You can’t just ‘say goodbye’ or ‘check he is ok’. He will use it! However sensitive and sensible you are, he will manipulate you how he wants. He knows what buttons to press.

It’s really hard and horrible to have to relive it but remember what it was like to be abused. Put yourself there and remember how life was like being controlled and bullied.

It’s like giving up smoking or drinking. You dip back in and fall off the wagon, then all that hard work is wasted.

Can you find out in other ways if he is ok? Mutual friends who can be trusted? Even a bit of social media spying to scratch an itch, anything but contact with him.

I am now with a lovely guy who respects me and I have been apart from my ex for (detail removed by Moderator). My family are so relieved, even my daughters who weren’t allowed to see him but could tell at their young ages how badly be talked to me on the phone. But I have wobbles. I stumbled across his picture the other day and it had a powerful effect on me. But then I reread a social media conversation I had when he accused me and bullied me and just treated me like a piece of s***. No respect or love whatsoever. Take the reins on this. Stay away.

Sorry to lecture x*x

[Beenherebefore]

Pondlife- you are not lecturing at all. I need to hear it! So badly. You’re absolutely right but alot of the time I cant convince myself without help from you guys. I have been writing down my feelings etc more and trying to get everything out but actually the more I read from you ladies, the more triggers my mind in what he used to do and I genuinely believe I have blocked some ghastly things out which need to be remembered to help me. I have kept social media conversation threads as when I read them I get ‘that tummy ache’ and for me its a trigger that I should not be pining for this man.
And you’re right – they don’t stick to the normal rules, they play games. They love games. It would not be clear cut. I forgot that too so thank you. If I ever wanted to say goodbye to my ‘normal’ exes it would be very straightforward. xx

Eve1 – Thank you x x they definitely are helping. They are like a virtual hug/ cup of tea that only exists here for me. Thank you for saying that its not our fault. I forget alot of the time and start a cycle of self loathing and blaming. But you’re right, its not us.xx

Cuppa – you are so strong. Thank you. I really feel like the cooking thing is a trait- he was insistent I learn to cook (I’ve never been overly fussed on cooking myself) but he kept ‘teaching’ me. Sometimes we would make meals for hours on end and I would have to do everything exactly (and I mean exactly) as he wanted….(don’t ever get me started on egg mayo that’s all I can say!!) He couldn’t drive but I could so he stayed away from that, though of course I was expected to ferry him about everywhere often when he had just been vile to me too or even still was. ‘I’m not playing anymore That is for certain’. I am going to use that line as inspiration to not play anymore either. Strong words, thank you Cuppa x x

I think I would have fallen off the wagon ages ago if it wasn’t for you lovely ladies. Thank you all so much x x x

[Pearlescent]

Beenherebefore, it is so nice to read this message string and see all of the lovely ladies on here providing you with the support and words you need to stay away. I feel this is exactly what this forum is for and why I joined ! Keep going, the longer you stay away and maintain the no contact the stronger you become and the clearer you can see the sort of person he is. You can do this and you will do this ! xx

[Beenherebefore]

Yes Pearl! Thank you so much. I’m feeling really positive tonight reading all this through again and seeing your post too! You’re right and I think it will be so much easier when I’ve left. Thank you. Hope you’ve had a happy day xx

[Nova]

BhB …good to hear you sound stronger and empowered. Its not easy at all, I keep saying to myself …this will make me stronger..though it doesn’t help when that knotted feeling comes up, day or night huh!

What bugs me is…all this distracts me from …just life…do you know what I mean?
We want to get on with it & I think that’s what your saying too…maybe wrong…the dragging us back into ‘it all’…
I reckon when our confidence gets stronger, that it seems to creates a emotional & psychological distance.
More able to focus keep calmer.
I’m finding atm if I do a bit of a sort out, anything, chucking stuff, clearing the decks..
Really get rid of the old..creating space for the new, on every level…it makes me feel boosted and distracts me into feeling more positive and together.

hope your having a better day
Cx

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