Wanting to make contact

[she-ra]

Hello lovelies,

I’ve been doing really well, been out for a short while. The kids and I are so much happier, we’re redecorating the house and finally have peace and safety. But lately I would say every couple of weeks I have this awful cloud cone over me where I can’t think about anything else but him. I’ve obviously only remembered the good bits or the bits I’ve romanticised in my head. I just want him to hold me and make this all go away. It’s ridiculous, I feel like my body is betraying me. He’s never held me and made anything better ever. But I feel like this feeling of making contact with him is starting I consume me. I’m even playing out scenarios in my head. I’m such a fool. He has no contact with the children and that is how it will stay no matter how I feel. Just feel like I really need help working through this and I’ve got no one to talk to about it. All my family and friends have been amazing and scooped us up and helped move us forward bless them and they would never understand this, how can they when I don’t. So sorry lovelies I was hoping you might all understand. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. X*x

[KIP.]

What I found helpful was that as human beings, we crave what is ‘normal’. Even if that normal was an abusive relationship. So that’s going to take time to change in your head, but you can do it. It’s important to do new things and make new memories. We all want our happy ever after and why shouldn’t we. I used to daydream that he had changed into the lovely man I first met and initially I would wish he would come back and make everything right again. The reality was it was never right and inviting him back into my life would make my daydreams into nightmares. Which took long enough to get over. Fill your time and headspace with you x with your dreams, your wants, your hobbies, your family, your home. He has been living rent free in your headspace for too long x

[Twisted Sister]

Hello She-ra

It might help to know that part of the getting over him can be the obsessing.

Its not obsessing, its all the formerly suppressed coming to the fore.

Once there is space for the mind, the mind can then be full to over-flowing with this stuff.

The good news is, it does pass. It can last some days/weeks/months, but it is your attachment to him.

If you’ve practised mindfulness at all this is a good time to out it into practice, i.e. noticing the thought and letting it float away without commentary. Your brain will do all its clever processing naturally, just let it do its work whilst noticing how clever it is to be sorting all this out for you.

It will stop, and you will feel freer again, another step forward for you!

Wonderful to hear your new lives shaping together and the creating your own newly decorated safe happy space.

Warmest wishes

TS

[she-ra]

Thank you so much ladies. I just feel overwhelmed with all these thoughts and this ache for him. I would never ever want him to come home, like I said my babies are doing so well, and I left for their sakes so would never put them through that again. I just feel like I want to touch him and smell him and just turn up on his doorstep. It’s ridiculous, I won’t do it, I’m too scared, but I just want these thoughts to go away. I’m definitely looking at things with rose tinted glasses. Feel overwhelmed and looking for help really. I’ve had one counselling session and k think it will really help but paying for it is tough. I’ve booked another one on for August, I’ve put my name down for a pattern changing course that starts in sept but worried about work letting me go. What else can I do? X*x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi She-ra
Maybe it helps to know that the brain does take about 3 months to retrain itself so with this knowledge be very alert and monitor your feelings and cravings for him diligently. And treat yourself generously once you passed the 3 months mark. It does get easier and these thoughts will reduce enormously. Maybe you have found time to grieve for the lost relationship. Educate yourself about the five stages of grief.
What helped me is to associate every loving feeling I had for him to one cruel action, word or behaviour from his part. I didn’t allow myself to grieve for him other than in this way as it was too tempting otherwise to want to contact him… and shout at him for having destroyed everything.

Give it time and absolutely stay no contact to help you through it. It does get better and you will make it through, you are doing great with everything else, this too will work out 💪

[she-ra]

Hi,

Thanks so much for your replies. Feeling much stronger today. How funny you should say about negative images associated with positive images, my body must be trying to do that because everytime I try to really focus on a positive memory a bad one will just pop up out of nowhere too! I am just heading past the time marker you said so hopefully like you say time will help. I really feel like that about the how could he have destroyed all this, all he had to do was stop hitting me but he just couldn’t. Googling the 5 stages of grief really helped: I flit between depression and bargaining a lot – making bargains in my head, like when the kids are all 18 or have all left home I’ll go back. I won’t, but you know what I mean. I also booked another counselling session in for a couple of weeks time. If this has shown me anything it’s that I really need to talk to a professional about this or I am in serious danger of making contact. I left once before and got to this stage last time (before we had kids) and I went back. I know if I go back this time he will end up killing me. Thank you so much ladies, I knew you’d get it. xxxx

[KIP.]

I found mantras very useful. Just keep repeating in your head. ‘If I go back him will kill me. My kids will lose their mother’. I know it sounds dreadful but it’s retraining your brain. Your body follows your brain. So start with that. I’m a strong capable woman. I need no man. If I go back he will kill me. My kids will be left without a mother to protect them…. play around with the mantras until you find one that fits and give you inspiration. I love my new life, I hated my old life, I deserve better x

[Hokeycokey]

Hi She-ra. You sound like such a strong woman. Well done for getting out and keeping your children safe.

I identify with those excruciatingly strong feelings in the days /weeks after leaving even though logically you’re very clear – as I am – you don’t want to be back in the relationship.

My counsellor has encouraged mindfulness at the times when I feel the emotion really strongly. Just be with it and know that it will pass. The acceptance seems to help and they’re becoming less frequent for me.

I agree that this is a difficult thing to speak about with the people who are supporting you. It’s helped me that you’ve posted so clearly about these feelings as I was doubting myself and feeling ashamed that I was having cravings for a vile man so I’d like to thank you for that. 😊

I’ve also been doing some decorating to keep myself distracted and I love my new space xx

[she-ra]

Thanks so much for your replies. I totally agree with the advice of just being in the moment and knowing it will eventually pass, just keep riding those waves. Hokey Cokey I’m so glad I could be of help to you. I don’t understand how this ache I felt for him was so strong when we’re talking about a man who has hurt me in so many horrendous ways, what on earth is wrong with me?! As I said I am so incredibly lucky to have my family support they are amazing and I couldn’t have done it without them. Like you say I don’t want to let them down. I know in my heart I’m not going back, I’m too scared. The kids will never ever have to live through that again. Feel less need to make contact today and keeping busy planning kids birthdays! Thanks so much xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Wishing you a pleasant day with your kids 💞

[Author]

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