Was/Am I Being Abused?

[Topazzz]

Hello,
I am new to this and currently in quite a bad place. Can’t concentrate on daily stuff, night sweats and dreading the weekend alone.

I met someone online, during the (detail removed by moderator) that I was with him, he was a text book ‘Love Bomb’ the first(detail removed by moderator) was amazing, until the gifts started to be a little intense and I felt a bit uneasy behind all these gifts. Especially as he had (detail removed by moderator) and was looking to rebuild his life.
I approached him about the expensive roses and flowers and sensitively explained that (detail removed by moderator) he should be using the money for himself.

This is where it all started…..
I was accused of being ungrateful, I had upset him and made him cry.
I felt awful.
During this time he was suffering with multiple illnesses and was craving my attention, I did my best to listen, but as a single parent, working full time, it was quite full on.
Again, I was accused of being uncaring, selfish, managerial and made him cry.

We were due to go away for a few days for a fresh start, he dumped me by text (detail removed by moderator). Apparently due to the fact that he can’t speak to me.
I had spent hours listening to him every single night. I no longer got the chance to speak to my friends or family because my spare evenings were taken up listening to his problems.

We went on holiday, had a lovely time and my feelings for him grew, I really liked the guy and fancied the pants off him.
There were some red flags which I can now look back on, but at the time I was blinded.
He dumped me again (detail removed by moderator), because I made a comment (detail removed by moderator).
Apparently I was being a bully and controlling. Nothing which has ever been said to me before. I sobbed on the phone to him apologising.

I was devisated and felt I had done something so bad that it could end the relationship.
I started to get (detail removed by moderator) every morning and still do now.
We eventually started talking, then he blocked me, dumped me again, unblocked me and we went on (detail removed by moderator) further dates (which I paid for) which were lovely. Cuddles on the sofa etc.
Then he dumps me again.

We agree to have the (detail removed by moderator) weekend as a chance to stop communication and have a think. Guess what….
(detail removed by moderator)  conversation of how he can’t speak to me about anything and I don’t care about his problems…he dumps me and has blocked me, I was so angry and upset, I said a few things that in hind site I shouldn’t have.

Within the short space of time knowing him, I have offered so much help, advice, support. I was helping him find somewhere to permanently live, offered trips to the doctors, A&E, day trips, (detail removed by moderator) breaks, I nearly purchased him a new car!

Now I feel awful, I’m shaking, I can’t sleep, I’m sweating, can’t eat, I feel so alone.
My heart wants him in my life, but everyone around me thinks I’m crazy and need help.
I just want to be able to forget about it all, be strong and move on.

Im dreading the weekend, we were meant to be attending an event together, he has cancelled it. My son is with his Dad, I will be alone with my thoughts.
(Detail removed by moderator).

[Jedi warrior]

Hello topazzz just wanted to show you support I understand how you’re feeling yes it’s abuse and it’s difficult to process it sounds like he’s very unstable and projecting his problems onto you it’s emotional abuse and any future with him would make you feel so much worse so many red flags my marriage broke down a while ago through abuse and I then got emotionally close to a man that has made me feel like you on top of everything else I have had to deal with has almost been to much to bare for my mental health and wellbeing but I now know that I have dodged abullet by not continuing with any sort of relationship with him I know its hurting how this man has messed with you but try and see the positive that you will be so much better off without him in your life it will take time to heal from such behaviour but you will feel better reach out and speak to womens aid and others on here will understand this forum has been a huge support for me x

[Topazzz]

Thank you, I am sorry to hear of what you have been through.
I also congratulate you for being able to share advice and offer support.
My mind is in pieces, I want to still have him in my life, but deep down, I know it’s stupidity.
I just hate the anxiety of how he has made me feel, which all stops when he is nice again.

[Eggshells]

Dear Topazzz

Please have a look at this website. It might help you to clarify your thoughts. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

It seems to me that he is dumping you to control your behaviour. He’s teaching you to tow his line.

This sounds like a really damaging relationship for you, one which you would be better off without.

[Topazzz]

That was really helpful – Thank you. I followed the link and it confirmed what I thought.
I just hate the anxiety that blocks all sense of sense and makes me yearn for his attention. I just want him to give me a real loving cuddle

[ISOPeace]

Oh goodness, what a rollercoaster. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through this. His behaviour doesn’t make sense when you look at it as though he thinks like you do. His behaviour does make sense when you know that an abuser’s goal is to get and maintain control of you. He wants you emotionally invested in him, confused, feeling powerless and desperate for him to make you feel better (even though he made you feel bad in the first place). This way, he is always in control. You are always at the mercy of his decisions. It messes with your head and your feelings and can create a trauma bond, which makes you feel like you cannot be without him. You are not crazy, this is a totally normal reaction to abuse. I would highly recommend you read up on abuse to make sense of what he’s doing, such as Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

I remember that feeling of just wanting him to hug me and make it all better. I didn’t know it at the time, but those loving cuddles were part of the abuse. Loving someone means wanting the best for them and respecting them as a separate person with wants and needs. An abuser only wants what’s best for themselves and they don’t respect their partner’s as separate people. They may think they love us and they may at times act like they want what’s best for us, but they only do that when it suits them.

What would that ‘loving’ hug say? “Everything’s ok now, all that craziness is behind us, I won’t do it any more”? This would be a lie. Abusive behaviour doesn’t just stop. Would it say “let’s just pretend it didn’t happen and not think about whether it will happen again”? Would it say “I’m giving you a loving hug now because I happen to be feeling positive towards you, but just watch out that you don’t upset me again or you’ll be dumped and blocked”? I guess I’m just trying to demonstrate that those ‘loving’ hugs are just an illusion of love. They can’t be genuinely loving because he doesn’t have genuinely loving intentions towards you. But the trauma bond so desperately wants to believe that everything is ok, so you see it as loving. It’s like an addiction to him.

Well done for reaching out here. Contact women’s aid for support and keep posting on here. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. Abuse takes advantage of our natural human responses and leaves us frozen. The only thing wrong is what he has done to you. Sadly, you may still need help to get free of him and you may find that people who haven’t experienced abuse can’t understand what you’re going through. Sending love xxxx

[Topazzz]

Thank you so much, what you say makes alot of sense.
I can’t understand why I feel like this, why I can’t see the abuse and walk away.
It’s just awful, I’ve been dumped (detail removed by moderator), even as far (detail removed by moderator)  was when it first started.
I am analysing it all seeing so many lies and cracks with what he said to me.
Just so hurtful and destroying x

[ISOPeace]

Yes it is awful and so confusing. Look up trauma bonding. In short, the abuse messes with your survival response and leaves you feeling like leaving is too dangerous. In order to stay in a situation that part of you knows is not ok, you have to do some mental gymnastics (cognitive dissonance) to convince yourself that it’s ok to stay. The result is that your mind isn’t letting you see what’s really going on. It’s pretty complex stuff that on the surface doesn’t make sense. It’s basically the same as Stockholm Syndrome (when hostages become attached to their kidnapper). And it happens to all sorts of people. You are just really unlucky to have been targeted by him. xxxx

[Eggshells]

Try using the betterhelp website. I usually recommend googling trauma bonding betterhelp. It’s the best explanation I’ve found for trauma bonding. It also shows the cycle of abuse. Looking up cognitive dissonance might also be an eye opener for you.

[Author]

Posts