Was I always abused in some way? Or am I the bad one?

[Tracker]

So about (removed by moderator) ago he left again to go with someone else.
He has me and pretty much everyone believe it’s my fault though that I were controlling, didnt want him out with ‘friends’, and didnt want him drinking or smoking and basically treated him like a child.
However he did have a drug problem which is why I didnt want him out with people who tempt him to do drugs cos hed steal of me and my son and I only wanted him to be healthy and not be such a financial strain on me with his smoking habit.
Now here’s why I also think hes been abusing me
He physically abused me when I was (removed by moderator) and the occasional rare time throughout the (removed by moderator) years.
Physical is easy to tell, however is it also abuse where hed always lie about everything and manipulate me? He always makes me out to be a bad person and everything is my fault all the time. He made me pay for all the bills and food and then borrow all the time off me. Hed threaten me if for example I didnt lend him money saying that he wouldn’t pay me back, or he wouldn’t help me put looking after our daughter while I worked or hed tell work a load of lies to get me in trouble or hed go there and make a scene. All threats sound say yes to him.
Hed shout really loud and swear at me sometimes
too.
And finally hes been off with other women at least (removed by moderator) times now. Yet if I say I dont want you back like last time, he would come back regardless of my wishes and let me get used to him being there again before repeating.
He is with another woman again after his family lied to her saying he had been single for years and everyone is so happy for him while I am alone.
Has he been abusing me in some form or another for (removed by moderator) years or just treating me bad or do i deserve this cos I am everything he says I am and I have treated him badly cos I made him feel unwanted and controlled?

[KIP.]

This man sounds awful. Abusers tell lies about us so that when the truth comes out about their abuse people won’t believe us. Or so they think. The best thing for you is to go total zero contact with him. This shows yourself and others that he’s abusive and not allowed in your life or that of your children if you can help it. Contact your local women’s aid for support and look at doing the Freedom Programme with them. This will teach you all about abusive men. This man thinks he can use you. Drop you and puck you up again when he feels like it. They like to keep women on hooks ready in the background for when they’re current relationship breaks down or to use to make us jealous so we take them back. It’s not you it’s him. Block him on everything. Use a third party for access to kids if you have to but cut him out your life. Baby steps x

[Tracker]

Hi thanks for your reply

Do you know how I go about getting a third party to arrange contact with the kids. He ain’t bothering about seeing them now but he will when it comes to their birthdays or Christmas

[KIP.]

Ask one of your friends or family to act as a go between. To let him know that you do not wish him to contact you directly and all communication is to be done via text through the friend/family member. If he continues to contact you directly then contact the police. That’s harrassment. Don’t get into an argument with him as the police will see it as that. If you tell him you do not wish contact and he continues that’s harrassment. Absolutely zero contact is how you get these men out your head. If he has any legal access to the property where you live you need to talk to a solicitor for some advice. Most offer a free initial consultation. He cannot be allowed to keep coming into your life, abusing you.

[Tracker]

Thanks for your reply
I dont have any friends or family that I am close to (literally all alone which is why he gets away with everything) and his family are bias towards him so i dont want contact with them.
My son is older though so I have said contact could be arranged via my son even though he ain’t too fussed about seeing his dad after the times he stole from him etc.
I always thought I’d be wasting police time if I called them especially on a 999 call. But that looks to be the only way if he does come round and refuses to leave

[KIP.]

I felt the same about the police but that’s because we become so used to the abuse and threatening behaviour. Imagine he was a complete stranger and harassed you. You have the same rights to be kept safe and knowing how many women are killed by their ex partner you’re actually at greater risk. Stay safe x you could look at a contact centre for hand over or he could collect his child from school and drop them next day back at school and that way you don’t need contact but I’d resist any contact at all as it will harm the child mentally. Be guided by your local women’s aid. If he comes round ring 999 before even talking to him. If he’s been told not to come near your home then keep that message to show the police. He’s burned all his bridges back to you and you should do the same x

[Tracker]

Thank you
Hopefully if or when the time comes that he shows his face I will be strong enough to do what I need to do. At the moment he isn’t making contact and he is about a (detail removed by Moderator) hour drive away so maybe this time he will stay away but we’ll see 🤞

[Author]

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