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Hello. I’ve just left a relationship that I was starting to feel was emotionally abusive. He never hurt me physically but my friends have said he was definitely an emotional abuser. I’m really struggling to come to terms with that and I find myself making excuses for his behaviour. Which I think I can see was abusive. But I still question myself.
I left because it was the first time I didn’t feel safe. He told me he would kill himself, or at least attempt to (again) if I left and that rang alarm bells in my head. I’ve watched a lot of documentaries recently that talk about coercive control and it made me think about everything. Then I started to think about all the (weapon removed by Moderator) he has in his house because he collects them and all these documentaries say that when a victim tries to leave is the most dangerous time. So I knew I had to get out.
I’ve had to make lists of the things that I think are abuse because I just don’t know. Maybe he was genuine but I’ve overthought everything because I’m an overthinker? The first time I thought something was wrong, I was on mushrooms. He got me some because I said I wanted to try them. But then he seemed like he was saying things to upset me while I was on them so I started to think he was purposely trying to make me have a bad trip. Then in the same night, he kept telling me I should try coke. I’ve always been very wary of the stuff and I’ve never wanted to try it. He wouldn’t stop saying I should so I gave in eventually and tried it. And then we started smoking weed regularly and I would question everything when I was high so now I’m wondering if it was just making me paranoid.
It’s been a whirlwind right from the beginning. We haven’t been together very long but it all happened very quickly. We started talking, I went up to see him even though he lived (length of time removed by Moderator) away and I was hooked from then. He told me he loved me very quickly, he asked me to move in not long after and I did. So now I was (length of time removed by Moderator) away from everyone I knew and we spent all day every day together. So it was very intense. But now I question if that was love bombing? He was always very cuddly and always wanted to hold hands and I loved that. But he told me I overthink and he made jokes about my weight and joked about me cheating on him. He said it was hyperbole because he knew I never would. He would always correct me if I was cooking and made me feel like I can’t cook. He would always buy me things and they were really thoughtful gifts, things that would help me.
I just feel like I can make an excuse for every one of these behaviours and start to think it was all in my head. I really understand now why we go back to them because I miss him so much and if it was all in my head then I’m not in any danger. I feel like I’m going insane because I’m questioning everything. I’m even questioning whether I’ve made my friends think he’s abusive because that was the way I was starting to think.
How do I make sure I don’t go back? I tried to block him but his name is still the one I want to see when my phone goes off. And I want to make sure he’s ok. I still love him and care about him so much. I wish it were all just a bad dream and I will wake up back in his bed and everything will be fine.
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I would think it’s very difficult in the early days to trust your feelings.
Personally I had warning signs early on but i rationalized them away and persuaded myself that it was normal and I was just being too over sensitive.
It actually doesn’t get any easier in my mind, because if you’ve rationalized away your doubts one time, you just keep doing it.Needless to say, I wish that I’d trusted those early instincts now.
Obviously I can’t say whether your relationship is abusive or not. It sounds like all the red flags are there but they run parallel with a lot of normal behaviour so it’s pretty tough to see it at this stage isn’t it. Maybe you could ask your friends of specific examples of why they think he’s abusive, and talk it through with them and take their observations seriously.
Bear in mind it will be very difficult for them to be honest with you in the future if you go back to him, so you may find yourself a bit isolated from them if that happens.Most women who’ve been through this will say trust your feelings, but that isn’t always easy because your desire to go back to him is also one of your feelings. Which of your feelings should you trust?!
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Ps just re-read your post, and him threatening suicide if you don’t do what he wants is really not normal.
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Or it’s being used to coerce and control you. Which you should be really worried about I would think.
I think if you feel scared of someone out of the blue ( in that you don’t normally feel that in all your relationships) I think you should trust that that feeling has come from somewhere, it didn’t come from nowhere.I mean, I know some drugs can complicate the issue with chemically induced paranoia etc, but maybe better to be safe than sorry and err on the side of caution with this?
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Thank you. I have spoken to my friends and asked them for examples. And then my brain has tried to rationalise every one of them. You’re right though, the moment I was scared I knew I had to leave so yes that didn’t come from nowhere. It’s just difficult wanting to believe him isn’t it. I don’t want to believe that he’s like this purposefully. It may just be because he hates himself. But I know the reason doesn’t matter as much as the fact that he did all these things. I also know I just need to block him and cut that contact but I’m really struggling to let go. How is anyone supposed to move on from these people? They do a very good job of messing you up don’t they.
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There’s a part of normal emotional people where we always move towards a person’s pain and try to help them or just be with them.
Its almost impossible to resist that instinct.
My experience was that that was precisely what the problem was with my ex. I repeatedly reached a point of pity for him. Genuinely sorry for what this human being seemed to be going through. I would reach in to be sympathetic or be there for him, and then it would always end badly for me.
I can’t explain it any better than that. It would always end badly for me.
It took a repeat of that hundreds of times for me to realise that for whatever reason (and I don’t really understand the mechanics of this!) it always ended badly for me.
There are many ways I can describe it, but I can’t explain it.
Im really sure you’re right about him hating himself, but again, it’s not your problem to analyze. That’s you moving in to a persons pain to empathize.
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That is a very good way of explaining it. I do just want to help him. He’s told me many times he hates himself. He has a lot of health problems so I kind of took it upon myself to him manage it, like taking all his pills and things. I now realise it’s not my job to help him want to look after himself. I just struggle to believe anything he says any more because it all sounds calculated. But there’s still a part of me that wants to. And I know its all the good parts that I’m missing but even all of that could be part of his mind games.
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It’s funny isn’t it that the very thing that makes us different to them ( ie our ability to care ) is what draws us in every time, and ends us going back or getting trapped again.
Somehow they know this, as the sad act always seems to start very soon after we’ve left them. I don’t think they’re necessarily clever enough to have worked this out ( some may be clever, but I doubt it’s a conscious choice at this point do you?), but experience will have taught them that it works well.
Our ability to care is an Achille’s heel that’s for sure! And they know it.
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