Was I right to have felt insecure?

[gettingtired]

I’m sorry but it’s another long winded one from me ladies. I just wondered what your opinions were on this matter.

When my partner and I were in (detail removed by moderator) he met a girl at a (detail removed by moderator). His group of friends sort of made friends with another group of friends that she was a part of. Him and his friends added her and a few others on social media when they returned.

My partner and her started this online friendship and regularly spoke though. I know because I saw him type his password once so I would log into his social media account when I wasn’t with him and read the messages between them. It was general chat but I remember one time she had asked him what he had done the evening before or something. Myself and him had actually been to (detail removed by moderator) but he had told her something like he hadn’t been up to much! Obviously that upset me and I also remember one of his messages (detail removed by moderator).

I remember I used to drive myself to insanity reading these messages. I blew up about it but he denied there was anything and said (detail removed by moderator). I even had one of my family members message him about it and he said the same to them and painted me to be unreasonable/jealous from what I remember.

Eventually they stopped talking and one or the other deleted themselves and that was that.

I’m not sure I ever forgave him. Well maybe I did but I have never forgotten it. I even get a bit angry thinking about it now.

Another time a girl within the friendship group who I personally felt was very flirtatious with all the guys and disrespectful, was texting him and they had a few phone calls. They did share a hobby though and part of their friendship was down to business. I found that he had text her saying (detail removed by moderator) (I didn’t even know at this point anything about it?!)  but said he didnt want it to effect their friendship. There wasn’t a reply from her so I asked him what she had replied with. Apparently she called him. I remember when I initially found the texts I went mad. Next time I checked her messages had disappeared. Can you imagine how angry I was to then realise he had saved her number under a man’s name so that it looked like he was texting a guy. Anyway, nothing ever happened between them and this chat they had stopped.

It all resulted with myself and him having a nasty argument though and I always felt uncomfortable around her after that.

Another time his ex girlfriend (detail removed by moderator) messaged him randomly saying she was coming to an event he would be at. He told me about (I was still reading his messages so already knew) and reassured me. I was still dreading it though. Anyway, at the event we saw her, she chatted to us both a bit. It was ok but I wanted to die inside. I just couldnt bare being around someone he had been with before. Especially as I knew most men would find her attractive and I was continuously comparing myself to her at this point (very unhealthy I know but I was very young).

However, later when we went home he stayed up all night when I went to bed and I found he had sent her an apologetic message saying he was sorry he didn’t get to properly catch up with her.. As far as I was aware we had a bit of a chat, hung out and that was that. So why was he apologising to her? An argument broke out between us and he went ballistic at me (detail removed by moderator). It was an awful argument and from what I remember we both lashed out physically. She replied eventually and said it was fine. He then responded saying this was his number and they could always have a catch up on the phone. Part of me thought it was because he is a people pleaser or insecure he’s upset someone so needed their reassurance.

The problem is this was all years ago now and looking back I think he was young and so was I. I was sabotaging things by obsessively checking his messages and who he had searched for online (I often found he was looking on his ex-girlfriend’s page). My family also knew and were not impressed with my behaviour. In fact my Mum thought I was incredibly jealous which added to my problems because I couldn’t stop myself but also knew how ugly jealousy is which added to the self-loathing.

Was this just behaviour as teenagers/young adults?

Nothing like that has happened since (except for (detail removed by moderator) I knew he probably fancied a girl he worked with as I could see he used to search her up on social media a lot) and I never check anything in his phone anymore (although for years it was thrown back in my face how I used to check his phone and I was told he couldnt speak to or be friends with girls).

I do feel secure in that aspect of our relationship now for some reason. I guess because I know he doesnt do those things now. Am I wrong to put it down to immaturity? Surely some men mess about in the younger days then grow up and stop all of that.

Thank you ever so much if you actually managed to read this entire post! X

[KIP.]

The trouble with abusers is they fan the flames. In a caring relationship he would have reassured you and talked things through with you. Instead he goes on the defensive and blames you. Which increases the paranoia. It’s crazy making behaviour. They are also very very prone to cheating and his behaviour is that of an unfaithful partner. You don’t hide the name of a female under a male unless there’s something going on. If you think how he’s treated you. How his behaviour is abhorrent and entitled. Why wouldn’t he cheat too. They often accuse us of what they’re doing. Has he ever accused you of cheating?

[gettingtired]

Hi KIP, no he’s never accused me of cheating in the past. He’s never, ever been through my phone. I used to practically jump at the opportunity when he’d leave the room to go on his phone back then. My friend said in the past that’s maybe because he doesnt really have any reason to be jealous with me though and that I ought to give him something to think about, almost to make him chase me a bit. It’s certainly always felt like I’m the insecure, jealous, crazy one in that respect. The last year or so he makes occasional remarks like ‘ooh you were checking him out’ if a young guy goes past. But it’s never said in an angry, argumentative way almost a bit jokey x

[gettingtired]

I forgot about something. There’s a guy I went (detail removed by moderator) with and my partner would often tell me in arguments that I can go and just f**k him (about guy (detail removed by moderator)). It was so annoying because I didn’t see him in a romantic way whatsoever and he wasn’t even your typical good looking guy who other men may have felt insecure by! Also he will say you need to find a man who can have sex with you every night (as he doesn’t want it for long periods of time) which makes me feel like some kind of desperado.

[Hawthorn]

He behaved in a way that would make anyone insecure. You didnt trust him and behaved accordingly. There can be no relationship without trust and he has given you no reason to trust him.
Perhaps the point of triangulating you with other women was to make you insecure and easier to control. To put up with anything. In much the same way that some abusers are physically violent in the beginning of the relationship, then stop because the fear of the violence becomes enough to control their victims.
That was not normal behaviour for any relationship. Young adults or not. Healthy relationships dont make the participants paranoid.
Do you really trust him now or is that his voice speaking? Are you your best self with him or does he bring out the worst in you?
Only you can answer these questions, I wish you the very best x*x

[gettingtired]

Thanks Hawthorn, you’re right. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t worked properly for a few years and we’ve been living out of the city. So I don’t feel insecure because he’s not meeting new people.
He went away abroad for a while in the (detail removed by moderator) or so of us being together. He sent me so many incredibly loving messages and called/(detail removed by moderator) me regularly me whilst out there so I didn’t really feel worried. He’s also not a womaniser in person, he’s just normal and friendly. Even when I first met him he was normal not sleazy. He actually racked up an enormous phone bill contacting me whilst away (detail removed by moderator). Looking back maybe he was displaying all of those loving bombardments to keep me hooked whilst I was back home. I cant help but feel like he loves me or has loved me. Just not in a normal way. It’s scary how they know to use these tactics. Or use them consciously or not. We were so young when he went away. xx

[Camel]

Of course you were right to feel insecure. And jealous. These emotions have nothing to do with your age or how far into the relationship you are. He contacted other women and when he told you about some of them he made out that you weren’t allowed to object. Look up triangulation. Introducing other women into a relationship forces us to compete. We imagine all sorts, even if the other women don’t reciprocate. We become manic, obsessed with finding out the truth. When we confront them with what we’ve found out they tell us we’re crazy/jealous. Of course, by this point, we are. They’ve made us this way. Then they tell us it’s our problem, we’re flawed. That it has nothing to do with them or what they do.

[gettingtired]

You’ve explained it perfectly.
I was obsessed with finding out some sort of truth. My family disapproved of my jealous behaviour so I felt even worse. I couldn’t stop.
I will look up triangulation, thanks.
I felt like he was obsessed with his childhood girlfriend because he was searching her up virtually everyday. I remember in the very early days he called her a d***head to me which naturally made me feel uncomfortable. Then when they became friends on social media he was always looking at her on there. Then him going ballistic at me for not being able to go and have a catch up with her by himself at the event. It was horrible. There was another event she said she was at and wondered if he wanted to meet up. That resulted in another viscious fight between us because I was furious she was even asking and furious at the thought he would want to meet up with her.

[siba]

I don’t know if this helps, but I felt the urge to check a recent partner’s phone because I felt insecure about a female friend of his and the fact that he’d invited a woman over (there was a valid reason). I decided to end the relationship because I think as soon as you feel that need to go through their personal phone, it’s a major red flag that there’s something wrong in the relationship. I raised my concerns in a conversation with him and he tried to reassure me, but I still didn’t feel right… my intuition just knew something I didn’t and I have learnt to trust it these days, as ignoring it took me down a path I don’t want to go down ever again. Trust your instincts.

[KIP.]

I totally agree siba. Even if we are wrong it’s making us have feelings we don’t need in our lives. I think we have to be ready to trust again and that takes time and practice. I had a message from someone that I’d recently met, an inappropriate video. I suppose he found it funny but it was completely inappropriate and made me feel very uneasy. I’m not interested in his reasons for sending it or his apology for sending it. I don’t want to be around anyone who considers it ok to send it in the first place. So set your own boundaries and trust your gut.

[gettingtired]

Thank you both. I think the problem was I put it down to me being young and insecure. My family also didn’t like my jealous behaviour and thought it was very self-destructive (plus he always insisted it was nothing and that I was being insecure/jealous) so I just put it down to that.
Now I’ve posted on here saying I dont feel as worried about that sort of thing now (I used to think I’d just gotten older and more secure) now I’m starting to think if we moved and he got a job maybe those feelings would come back. I’ve always always assumed it was my problem though so I’m suprised by people’s comments! Xx

[Hawthorn]

You can be sure those feelings will come back. He will make sure of it. When you’re isolated away from your friends and family with only his around (if you move) if it’s not other women to make you insecure it will be something else. Then he will claim you’re crazy, that it’s all in your head. That even your family think you’re crazy. Gaslighting and isolation.

It’s like they have a script. They all do the same things and your behaviour has nothing to do with it. He will do the same to his family, his friends. It’s the way they behave with everyone. What you do or dont do wont change him. Where you live, whether he works or not. It only gets worse because that’s how these men are.

The cycle of abuse keeps turning and will grind you down. It energises him, he wont ever tire of it. Sorry if that sounds brutal but it is a sad truth.

You are getting stronger all the time. The fog will clear. Take care and keep posting xxxx

[Camel]

Isn’t it weird to be told whether our thoughts and feelings are valid? Weird that we come to believe that having certain feelings shows how flawed we are? What failures we are? That we really must try harder to be anything but ourselves.

It doesn’t come easily (in my experience anyway) but at some point we have to stop listening to other people and start listening to ourselves.

[Author]

Posts