Was it abuse?

[Divorcedmama]

I am divorced mum of 1 and I have been divorced for (timeframe removed by Moderator) now.
My ex husband left me and since going through family court has said that I was abusive to him. However he didn’t say that when he initially wanted a divorce. Please bare in my mind my ex has already moved on. (court detail removed by Moderator) but what he says does ruminate in my head a lot. He says I provoked him to it. I saw my ex husband recently when doing handovers for our daughter and I have found that I really struggle with talking to him. After the conversation I become very emotional and my body feels numb. It’s taken me nearly (timeframe removed by Moderator) to feel better.

I have a list of things he did to me whilst we were married and I would like someone to tell me if they are emotional abuse or not please. Thanks so much in advance x x

1. We got married – all of the money that we received from guests he banked and put into (investment detail removed by Moderator) – nearly (amount removed by Moderator). he never gave me any of it or told me this was his intention-didn’t consider if I agreed or anything. I never received any of that money.

2. He took out a (amount removed by Moderator) loan without consulting me and told me it wasn’t anything to do with me. We had just got married.

3. When I was sleeping my ex would wake up and sit right next to me in the bed with the computer and have the sound on and the computer light on really bright. I would ask him consistently if he wouldn’t mind going to living room as it was disturbing my sleep and he said no. He didn’t care if his activities were disturbing my sleep.

4. My ex wanted to invest the money that I had in savings into (investment detail removed by Moderator). I had (amount removed by Moderator) and he woke me up in the middle of the night to say he needed to buy more (investment detail removed by Moderator) and wanted me to give him that money from savings, then when I said no he got angry and didn’t talk to me for the whole day.

5. When I told my ex that I was pregnant he was not excited at all. I was trying to talk to him as we were going to bed and he told me to shut because he needed to think. He didn’t hug me or tell me he was excited. Anything. Bare in mind our child was planned. He just got into bed rolled over and fell asleep.

6. When I was pregnant I would wake up in the morning and needed to wee. I asked him to let me go to the toilet before he does a number 2 as I struggled to hold my wee. Every morning he would wake up before me and use the toilet. My body always woke up when he got out the bed so I instantly needed to wee. He rarely remembered and (specific incident removed by Moderator).

7. I vividly remember my ex would shout at me or become angry if I wouldn’t do things as he liked the way he liked it, e.g put the hoover down the right way or put the cutlery away that right way.

8. There was a time I was in the shower, again pregnant and my ex shouted at me to hurry up and get out the shower because I’m wasting to much water and the warm water would go down. I also paid 50/50 for the house bills. If I remember correctly he had already had a shower that morning.

9. There was a time that my ex husband told me that he wasn’t attracted to me and just wanted to be friends. I was pregnant at the time too.

10. I went through my ex’s phone and he had told a friend that he wasn’t attracted to me. That was at the beginning of our marriage.

11. There was a time that my ex went out and when he came home I was sprawled over the whole bed instead of waking me up gently he tugged the bed covers aggressively and said get up.

(specific examples removed by Moderator)

[Lisa]

Hi Divorcedmama,

What you’ve described is not only emotional abuse but financial abuse as well. He’s controlled and restricted your access to joint money and also tried to take your savings, which would have made you more dependent on him and made it harder to leave. You can find out more information on financial abuse on the Surviving Economic Abuse website.

It’s really common for abusers to turn things around and make claims of abuse themselves. They don’t take responsibility for their behaviour, and this shows in him saying that you provoked him. There is nothing that you could have done to mean his abuse was justified. There is never any excuse for abuse. The fact that you have such a strong negative response following contact with him is really telling of the impact his behaviour has had on you.

You’re not alone in questioning whether it was abuse or worrying about his claims that you were abusive, hopefully sharing support here with other women who understand will help.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Ariel]

Hi

Some of what you said was the same for me in my previous relationship. Especially the Hoover thing. It’s so stupid isn’t it and they cause so much stress and anxiety over it. And I’d get accused of moving things too all the time or if something broke I must have done something wrong to it.
I hope your ok.

[Author]

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