15th September 2020 at 9:55 pm #113730
Hello everyone:) Around (detail removed by moderator) ago I left a relationship and that I look back on everything that happened I am wondering is it abuse.
Red flags I am now aware of were:
– They got jealous when I spoke to my friends/saw them in person and they didn’t have my full attention.
– If i didn’t reply to messages quickly enough they’d send more and even at times contact my family because “they were worried about me”.
– Frequently assumed what I was thinking or had done and always thought it was to do with them.
– Said they couldn’t live without me and only lived for me; this made me feel pressured into staying in the relationship.
– Felt like I constantly had to explain/justify myself incase they got upset or annoyed.
– Tried to guilt trip me into doing what they wanted to do and made me feel like I always had to say yes.
– Went into a bad mood if I didn’t want to do something they wanted.
– Felt like I couldn’t have a good day if they were having a bad day.
– Felt like I had to tell them every single thing incase they got annoyed at me for not telling them but they frequently never told me the whole truth.
– Was very intense and kept pushing till they got what they wanted.
– Tried to dictate what me and my friends could and couldn’t say.
– Frequently jumped to conclusions without letting me explain things fully.
– Loved to pick fights over petty things.
If you got this far then thank you, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated:)
16th September 2020 at 2:15 am #113745KIP.Participant
Hi there, yes it sounds like a very controlling relationship. I always ask myself if this is the way I would treat someone and it’s clearly not. It’s a good way to think about abuse because another sign you’ve been abused is the confusion you’re showing. Abusers mess with our heads and make us feel like we are to blame for their behaviour. Google gaslighting in abusive relationships. It also takes a long time to recover from an abusive relationship. Other relationships end and we grieve and move on but abusive relationships can trouble and traumatise us for years if not the rest of our lives. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Perhaps some counselling might help you. But only with a counsellor trained in domestic abuse.
16th September 2020 at 9:32 pm #113797
Thanks for the reply KIP. I still feel confused by it all, I have never blamed myself for the way they treated me but I’m having a hard time accepting it’s actually abuse and keep doubting it. I’m slowly realising they possibly tried to put the situation back on me, which as you say is also a trait of abuse. I probably missed a few more red flags in my post as well but the realisation of what happened is slowly coming clear in my head.
16th September 2020 at 9:59 pm #113798ChasingrainbowsParticipant
Hey oceanbreeze your post reminded me of myself so much. The abuse is subtle and over time you feel like ‘oh it’s only one little thing’ but added up it builds and it’s not ok. I’m like you; giving myself a hard time accepting it IS and WAS abusive.
So hang on to that idea. It was abuse, well done for getting out!
16th September 2020 at 10:34 pm #113803
Thank you Chasingrainbows 🙂 When I left i felt the benefits mentally and physically so was definitely the best thing I could of done.
17th September 2020 at 5:52 pm #113836
Red flags continued:
– They would show up in places to “surprise me” and “spend as much time with me” even though we had agreed to meet at a certain location and they knew I didn’t like them randomly showing up elsewhere as it made me anxious.
– They twisted situations to suit themselves and keep control.
– Made my friends and I believe they were going to kill themselves several times as they knew we’d come running cause we were genuinely worried.
– Kept saying they “couldn’t help” their extreme outbursts at me and my friends but never did anything to try and control it.
– Made lot’s of promises they knew they couldn’t keep but promised me they would never hurt me like I had been before.
– Told me not to say or do something but went and did it themselves.
– Frequently underestimated my abilities and actions.
– Felt like I never had/couldn’t have any “me time” .
– Tried to make me do things “for my own good” and cause they “loved me so much”.
– Said things they knew triggered me but turned it back on me when I said to stop using phrases/words that distressed me and they said “you really think I’d do that”.
17th September 2020 at 8:31 pm #113841
Also made me cut contact with someone for what they thought was “my own good” but it felt wrong to me and felt like I had to do it to keep them happy.
17th September 2020 at 8:52 pm #113842KIP.Participant
Have you read Healing from Hidden Abuse? It a great book and will validate what you say. Look at narcissistic abuse and recovery too. It was really important for me to educate myself for my own peace of mind but the bottom line is you met a nasty controlling abuser. It wasn’t you. His next victim will get the same treatment as did his previous victim. It’s hard to comprehend because we would never deliberately treat someone so badly. And abuse makes us doubt ourselves as why would someone be so horrible for no reason. It’s mind blowing. They simply need control and to destroy others to make themselves feel good.
18th September 2020 at 8:23 am #113855LottieblueParticipant
I’m really glad you got out of this relationship, as it clearly was abusive, but you are still very disturbed by it. Are you afraid that this person may reappear in your life and perhaps try to get you back?
From your posts on here it seems that you desperately need to talk – can you speak to your GP and maybe get a referral for some counselling? I understand that you are really confused about what has happened and there’s a good chance that speaking to a professional would help you to straighten things out in your head.
Again, well done for ending your relationship with this person – it was, without doubt, the right thing to do. 😊
18th September 2020 at 1:45 pm #113868
Hi Lottieblue thank you for the reply 😊. Yes I’m very concerned they will try and contact me again, I have blocked them on various forms of social media and email/text but in the time after I cut contact with them they started contacting my friends to try and get a reaction out of me, they even went as far as deliberately sending images of (detail removed by moderator). I haven’t seen them in person since I stood up for myself and I’m terrified of seeing them again, I don’t believe they’d try to hurt me but it would bring a lot of unpleasant memories for me. I’m fairly positive they wouldn’t stop at anything to try and get to me and they seem oblivious of what they’ve done to me and more than likely hope things can go back to “normal” which will never happen. I have 1 friend who has also been been treated badly by them so they kind of understand how I’m feeling but I feel quite alone and that nobody truly understands how I feel. I’m also having trouble trusting people’s true intentions and everything feels such a mess in my head. Some of my friends and family say it’s best just to move on and put it behind me but almost everyday I’m haunted by what went on. I also feel like I don’t belong anywhere and that I should just keep it to myself because it’s in the last.
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