Was it Abusive?

This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #67385
    Profile photo of WinterSnowdrops WinterSnowdrops 
    Participant

    Was it abuse?

    So (detail removed by moderator) of leaving my ex. For a while now, I’ve been thinking of the way he treated me as abusive, but I’m not sure, and I really think I need to talk about it. Warning, this is going to be a long one.

    – We were together for a significant amount of years for my young age, and he was the first major relationship I had. From the start, I had some concerns. He claimed his ex before me had tried to get him arrested for stalking (he was very open about this), but that it was unfounded, and he got out of it (detail removed by moderator). He poisoned me against her constantly, saying she was fat and ugly, and that she was a compulsive liar. After breaking up, I messaged her for her side of the story, and she confirmed that he had stalked her home from college and had posted private photographs through her parents’ front door.

    – When he initially met one of my friends, she messaged me later that night saying she was worried about me, as when we had been hanging out, he had been “play fighting” by pinching my fingers and hands. I laughed it off at the time.

    – During our relationship, he was never physically violent to me, but he had a habit of pushing my buttons in a way that made me lash out. On two occasions in our entire relationship, I slapped him twice, something I felt immeasurably guilty about, and he would constantly bring these incidents up in arguments. I’d like to point out that during one of the incidents, I was having a panic attack (I have generalised anxiety disorders), and it was a panic response to lash out in the moment.

    – Talking of my anxiety, in our entire, lengthy relationship, he never “got” my anxiety. (Detail removed by moderator).

    – He didn’t really have many friends, and he sort of just became part of my friendship groups. I’ve always struggled to make friends due to some slight autistic tendencies, and he would play on this. He would press my buttons to make me look difficult or high maintenance, and would act like the hard done one to others. My closest friend has told me that when I wasn’t around, he would complain about me to my friends, telling them about how difficult the relationship was, and how he wanted to leave.

    – At (detail removed by moderator), he came along with my parents. We were allowed to cheer for our friends and loved ones, and when I went on stage, he apparently acted disinterested, and didn’t shout like my parents. When his friend went on stage, he whooped and cheered like a mad man. It really upset my stepdad, but my parents couldn’t figure out how to tell me without alienating me (they wanted me to leave him for a long time).

    – Once, when I was (detail removed by moderator), he cheated on me online, talking to another girl, sending pictures, and very explicit messages. He was also planning to meet with her. She added me and told me everything, and although at first he admitted it, after I had moved on and forgiven him he started to deny it, saying it wasn’t cheating, and that I hadn’t been looking after his sexual needs.

    – I’m very close to my mother and my best friend. All through our relationship, my ex would poison me against them; if something happened between us, and my mum said something, he’d just say “you know what your mum’s like”, etc. After we split up, my mum spoke to me about (detail removed by moderator), where he apparently applauded and cheered for his friend, but not for me. That hurt so much to learn.

    – One of the biggest problems between us was that he was an alcoholic; he had no money, and was constantly borrowing from me to fund his habits. He would often drink multiple (detail removed by moderator) every night. He consistently denied that he was an alcoholic, but would then agree, then disagree saying he’d never said he was, etc. It was just one awful mess. He would come home and get drunk (he stopped at mine a lot, saying he’d pay me rent and never did), and he would say cruel things. For instance, I’d tell him I couldn’t do this anymore, and he’d just tell me I knew where the door was. There were two awful incidents where he got so drunk that he urinated on my things; once on my desk, and once in my wardrobe. I felt so mortified.

    – Eventually, he lost his (detail removed by moderator) job, and wouldn’t tell me why. He kept making up things about a mix up with HR, and that they were sorting it… I honestly believe that he was fired for turning up for work drunk. He would often come home from work smelling of alcohol, then lying and hiding the bottles of drink. He would also come home from work up to an hour late (detail removed by moderator), and not answer his turned on phone. Due to my anxiety disorder, I would catastrophise and think the worst (hit by a car, mugged, etc), then he wouldn’t reassure me, and he would tell me off.

    – Due to the financial issues (detail removed by moderator), I would often buy him food and transport to help him out. There were multiple occasions where I would give him my bank card (I know, stupid, but I couldn’t go to the shops due to my anxiety), and he would also take additional money, but it was infrequent and difficult to keep track of. I also lent him (detail removed by moderator) in total over our relationship, which he never paid back.

    – I was training (detail removed by moderator), and once asked him what he would think if I achieved a high paid position within my organisation. He told me I shouldn’t, because it would emmasculate him, and he should be the better one.

    (Detail removed by moderator).

    – On a similar vein, he wouldn’t ever be affectionate in front of others, preferring to keep me at a distance when others were around. This hurt a lot, as I felt he was ashamed of me.

    – When we broke up, he basically said that due to my job (detail removed by moderator), I should fix him and stick by him like he did with my eating disorder. He also sent me very long, creepy messages about our future, and children (I no longer want children). When I met my new partner quite quickly, he accused me of cheating, and said that my family had poisoned me against him. He kept contacting me for months asking for his things back (we took most of it back that we could fit (detail removed by moderator), and I gave him ample opportunity to get the rest). He also threatened me with court and reporting me to my work because I called him crazy (he was contacting me at 2am on a work night asking me to take him back).

    There is more, but this message is far too long as it is.

    TL;DR
    – Lied about stalking his ex
    – Friends were concerned from the start
    – Manipulated me to look and act my worst publicly
    – Wouldn’t help me with my mental health
    – Made me look bad in front of friends
    – Wasn’t supportive of my career as I was too successful
    – Stole money from me
    – Lost his job and lied about it
    – Wouldn’t pay his fair share despite earning more than me at the time
    (detail removed by moderator)
    – Denied affection publicly
    – Wouldn’t stop harassing me when we broke up

    I’m sorry this is so long. My head is a mess and I’m feeling so low about everything to do with this. I guess I just want some validation…

  • #67389
    Profile photo of freedomtochoose freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    didn’t want to read and run. Yes, this definitely sounds like an abusive man. I’m sure WA and others on here may have other helpful things to say
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #67393
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hello Wintersnowdrops, welcome to our clan. This is a safe place to talk about what’s wrong, how you feel, what he does/ done. We’re all in the same boat one way or another. Take heart that you’ve made a big step in the right direction. I’m like ftc, didn’t want to read and run. We’ve all been new here at one time or another, a wee bit of acknowledgement helps let you know you’re not alone.
    IWMB 💕

  • #67399
    Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hello WinterSnowdrops,

    Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. Yes you have explained psychological and financial abuse. You’ve explained an ongoing pattern of behaviour used by your ex to hold power and control within the relationship.

    I can understand why you’re feeling low, it can be overwhelming having this realisation. It’s quite common for women not to realise at the time how abusive a relationship is; sometimes it’s only by having some distance that it becomes more clear. Please be aware you can call the Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk this through, we often talk to women after the relationship is over. You could also contact your local domestic abuse service to ask about ongoing support.

    Keep posting,

    Lisa

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