Was it even abuse?

[ftwiglet]

I was in a long-term relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years that ended nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. I met my ex-partner when I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old and fell utterly in love with him. Back then, he was treating me hot and cold quite a lot, where his actions seemed to differ completely from what he was saying (we were ‘together’ but he would say I was like his sister), I felt pulled in many directions at the time. We stopped seeing each other and then got together properly around (detail removed by Moderator) months after that. Throughout our relationship, I experienced various mental health problems, and was often unwell. We were happy for a while but in the last year of our relationship, I felt increasingly like I was not enough for him, and that his needs were far more important than my own. I felt imbalanced in our relationship, and I felt criticised a lot (for example with housework), and belittled (his degree was more important than my own). When I brought up feeling nagged, he would have a go at me and becoming angry. Eventually, I stopped bringing things up for anxieties around him just becoming defensive and not responding to my needs. He would be pushy with exercise, and when I wasn’t able to keep up and stopped, he ignored me. I never felt more alone than I did in that last year of our relationship. He ended it rather abruptly after becoming increasingly withdrawn and disconnected, and I felt completely thrown away. When I brought up that I was worried our relationship was going to end, he denied anything being wrong. He broke up with me (detail removed by Moderator) days after that. Looking back, my feelings are related to passivity, like I am a passive object, and I was trying to make myself as small as possible to appease him and avoid his displeasure. Sometimes, I would play out how I would tell him I didn’t want to do something because I was so worried about his response. Other times, I felt like if I said sorry too much, that was bad, but also having different opinions from him was bad too. I felt that in order for him to love me, I should morph into something better, but I never felt like I was able to do that. He had some difficulties sexually, and shut me out rather than talk about it. I felt more and more like an object in relation to that, as he would shout with anger about it. Recently, a mutual friend told me he has someone new who is ‘quite hard on him’, my response was that ‘I hope she doesn’t let him treat her as he did me’ and I was suddenly filled with shame that I let him make me feel weak and I didn’t stand up to him. Since then, I have been feeling confused and it is as though I have brain fog. I cannot really remember with clarity the nuance of our relationship, but I am frequently feelings intense panic and a lack of safety. I feel like I don’t really know what is going on with me, but I know that in my new relationship I feel I am on the look out for any differences in what he is saying and his actions. I think I am seeking for a label for this experience, because I barely understand what is going on, and I am filled with grief that someone who said he loved me, treated me in such strange ways.

[Reallyconfused]

Hi so sorry you’re feeling like this. Yes it was abuse. Shouting takes away our voice and where we can’t be our true self. Look after yourself and take care.

[ftwiglet]

Thank you, I feel so confused about it all and then am feeling all these intense things I cannot quite understand but feel so real? it feels especially difficult because there was no overt violence or anything and so I do feel am I overreacting, especially when I read other people’s really horrible experiences.

[Sad and alone]

Everyone’s experiences are different, some more extreme than others but all equally important. It’s easy to read some of the posts here and think that what you’re going through, or have gone through, is small in comparison, or it can make you doubt yourself and what you went through. Remember you feel the way you do for a reason, and the relationship was obviously not right. I would be glad that you’ve moved on, and maybe try not to overthink what has happened in the past. It is whatever you believe it to be, only you know how you felt, and you don’t have to meet xyz criteria to prove it.
Take care and keep posting xx

[ftwiglet]

I really appreciate you saying so. You’re right to note that as the one thing I am sure of is that the relationship was not right. And now I am terrified because I am finding myself totally behind a wall of being able to move past thinking and re-thinking about how I was feeling at the time and all that happened and how I ultimately chased him because I wanted to be with him.

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