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I was forced to marry at (Detail removed by moderator) which was stressful enough and as I thought he was gonna be my husband for life wanted to take things slow. We would see each other before the marriage and he want to kiss and grope my breast which made me think is this what he wanted.
After marriage I told him on our first night I didn’t want sex as I wanted to take things slow but really I wanted to make sure my first time was with someone who loved me so we kissed and some other stuff. As the weeks went by he began expected things most nights but I was studying and working at the time and tired. He would become slightly moody but sometimes id wake up to find him kissing and groping my breast. He would speak to my own mother about me not sleeping with him but I was like I don’t know you enough to do something big like have sex. My mother even went out to buy condoms and I felt pressured to try and have sex but it didn’t happen as I was nervous, not ready or feel relaxed. As time went by it was like every night he would try but then one night I said no because I was at a stage where I questioned does he like me or just wants a visa and sex.
He stormed out the room and then my own mother came in slaps me twice while he watched me in tears and said I had to sleep with him as I’m embarrassing the family and him. His own family were teasing him calling him gay as he didn’t do the deed yet. With my mental and physical abuse I suffered from my family esp mother it was like I had to do it.
So as she left me still in tears I just lay there while he penetrated me for the first time, once he was done as there was lead up just put it in he didn’t ask me if I was ok nothing. He took the b****y bedsheets and threw them to his family and said I’ve some it.
Me questioning this not at the time but after time apart has played on my part for (Detail removed by moderator) years and I’ve ended up not being with anyone since as I’m embarrassed as I wouldn’t know where to start.
After our first time I felt wanted as every night we would have sex but I didn’t have any orgasms as when he was finished that was it. If I was on my period he did other stuff even tried anal but couldn’t get it in as I was happy with it.
Spending this time with him I did feel loved wand wanted as I didn’t with any family but then as time went by I wondered why he didn’t spend any time with me during the day but rushed me to the bedroom and talked to me at night.
He was in (Detail removed by moderator) waiting for his visa and we didn’t speak he didn’t want ask me things. I went back to him and sex well I’d tell him I didn’t want a baby again I wanted to make sure he loved me BUT he would lay on top of me as I tried to push him off still with his penis in me finishing. He didn’t wear a condom even thou I told him he would take it off. In time when I asked him things about me he knew nothing so when he did come to the UK I asked for a divorce as I couldn’t spend my life with a man like that.
Sorry for the long message but this has played in my mind and need to know what my relationship was and was it assault so I can move on. -
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Hi Brown,
What you have described is traditional cultural roles of male and female in particular areas of some countries. This man, being raised that way and in that environment is predisposed to it at the norm. And his “being” excepts it or goes along with it.
You are a very progressive minded female. And you were, even at (Detail removed by moderator). Good for you for knowing you were not ready for sex and wanting to make sure it was out of love and trying to hold off until you were ready and sure it was.
Most would see what you have been through as not treating a female or human right. It is not “real” love, caring, or understanding. There is no wanting to know you. In this relationship you are a possession and an entitlement. This man is not interested in how sex is for you or your comfort, you are there for his sexual satisfaction and to bare a child. He is not concerned with your thoughts as a person, because your place in your role and in that cultural background is of duty and servitude and you are not envisoned with the capacity to have intellect or provide further worth of your own thoughts and opinions, therefore your feelings do not matter either. Pushing him off of you and not wanting to engage and him disregarding you and proceeding anyways each time until he is finished constitutes rape. And by most people today will be viewed as such. The world overall and in general is progressing in thinking regarding women and children. To him and those involved with him and his background it is norm.
Regardless of any of this, you are not at fault. You have done nothing wrong.
Please take heed that not all persons of Indian origin conduct themselves by these beliefs or in this mannerisms. In my experiences with the Indian men that I have known they have been very caring and respectful of women and children. A large portion of my heritage is UK. However, I am extremely culturally diverse in knowledge and experiences. Your well grounded, intelligent, and and in touch with who you are. Learn and grow from your experience as you have sought to do with your post. Spend some time studying world cultures, I think you might find it interesting and self-soothing.
I’m at the other end of the words you type, if you need to talk. I hope that this has helped.
Best Regards,
Chickadee
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