Was my relationship abusive?

[freshflowerlover]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me recently because he said I pushed him to do it and he wants to protect myself from him. We were best friends and very much in love. However even (detail removed by moderator) he spat at me because I yelled at him for making me run late for my train. I apologized for yelling and worked on myself to not repeat the yelling. Weeks later he threw a plate with (detail removed by moderator) He apologized and everything went back to normal, he was sweet, calm and attentive. Yet something else set him off during an argument and he spat at me again. I was convinced my impulsiveness and yelling caused his behavior and tried to stop myself from doing it. We started arguing a lot and finally he said he had enough one day and when I accidentally scratched his nose in bed getting ready to fall asleep he slapped me. When I got upset he slammed his fist into the wall and threw a small table across the room. Whenever I complained about the incidences he told me that I can’t judge the relationship based on the negative highlights. That 95% were amazing and we loved each other deeply. I am so confused as to why he left me after all the horrible things he did, whether he can change and just didn’t want to, whether our love was real and why I still miss him (the good parts) and wish we would be together without the horrible incidences happening. He said we aren’t compatible and that I am his trigger and he explodes to quickly. He is convinced some other girl won’t trigger him which makes me feel guilty and not good enough. I also feel stupid for wanting him back and us working it out. Can anyone relate to my confused feelings?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I think all of us on this forum can relate to those confused feelings. Your ex is a classic abuser, him saying he needs to find a woman who doesn’t trigger his violent abusive behaviour is his pathetic excuse for his behaviour, he blames women for his violence which is totally untrue, it is also unlawful.
Have you got any support lovely? If not please contact your Local Womans Aid, they can help support you and help you to understand what has been happening to you and how to avoid unhealthy relationships by relearning what a healthy relationship is.

Reading your post it sounds like he love bombed you (mine told me I was his world, how he loved me and our children, he could be so lovely, kind … abusers are very good at making us feel loved above all others in the beginning, then the abuse starts bit by bit .. that drip drip of being told it is your fault, try harder, be nicer etc .. that’s how we as victims lose who we are as our mental health is affected.

Warm wishes ❤️ keep posting

[Anonymous]

He wants you to think it’s you making him this way , in two parts so you back down & he has the control over you , also so you feel insecure that he may go off with someone else , classic abuser tactics to keep you submissive. Don’t fall for it ! I blamed myself as that’s how my ex dictated to me , if I was just a better girlfriend! If I just tried harder ! Doesn’t matter what you do or say the abuse will continue, even if you didn’t answer one word back he would still look for an excuse to get angry on you . If his walked away as harsh as it sounds his done you the biggest favour, this is not love hun , you need to step away from this as it sounds to me dangerous, his obviously got anger issues and his already victim blaming to condone his behaviour. It’s not you whose the problem it’s him x

[GoldenFish]

Stay away. You cannot change anyone, you cannot save anyone. Let it go, please and take your time before entering into another relationship seeking external validation from another partern that it was not your fault. Only when you believe this from your core will be ready to move on. Look at it as an opportunity to find a better partner in life. It will save you a decade even and much more painful outcomes. You are enough. Make this your mantra. Sending lots of love.

[Eyesopening]

I still get surpiresed at just how similar abusive men are. They use the same tricks, mine used to tell me things like, no one has ever loved me as much as him, he would do something uncaring, then say, I love you so so much.
If I ever said anything he would say like yours how I need to view the whole picture, not just the small incidents.
That it is us against the world. He used to tell me it is so hard to meet someone that you love like this. Making me feel like we had something so special and I would never meet anyone else.
He did you a big favour. Don’t let him reel you back in if he comes back. Do lots of research, try Youtube Dr Ramani, its the normal abuse cycle, lovebomb, abuse, discard.
Think about what you want and what your boundaries are now.
Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch is a must read, its super cheap on Amazon
Keep reading posts here and you will see the same patterns appearing.
The desire for him is the trauma bond and the confusion is cognitive dissonce, things he caused.
xx

[Needtoclarify]

Hi there, I am so sorry you have endured this behaviour. I really hope you’re okay. To answer your question, this is definitely abuse. Think about the act of spitting at a person, that is so vile. You also seem to accept his justifcation for doing this to you – you yelled so you deserve that? No. Why did you yell? You’re a human being with emotions and feelings, the was a reason you were sticking up for yourself by raising your voice, probably because he wasn’t respecting you and driving you mentally insane.
His act of breaking up with you is for manipulation purposes, have you crawling back even though he abused you. Trust me, if you didn’t contact him he will be the first to contact you. The fact he is putting it on you that he’s ending it to protect you is so untrue. He’s ending it to manipulate you because he knows he has been abusive. It’s a crime and he could be charged.
You need to leave him, the fact he ended it is just a power play to keep you hooked and confuse you into thinking you somehow are responsible and contributed to the abuse “we were both abusive” he wants you to think.

You know in your heart it is abuse, he will never change because abusers lack empathy and do not actually have the ability to love. They may think they love you but tell me one other person you love that you would allow to spit in your face and degrade you and terrify you with violence.

The slap is probably the worst physically but it’s the spit and the emotional abuse which will have caused you the most damage.

Please I beg you, stay away, it will only result in more violent acts on you and more emotional abuse to the point you will never reclaim your life back.

You can’t get better in the environment that made you sick and every human being has the right to be loved. Sadly love is beyond his capabilities and if he does move on with another girl she will not be loved by him either but just face the same gut wrenching abuse.

You reclaim your life. You are enough. You are not the problem. Xx

[Eyesopening]

in ‘Why does he do that’, by Lundy Buncroft, he goes through all abuse tactics, I reconmend reading it, its online to read for free.
one tactic he calls waterboarding. Its when an abuser will taunt and taunt you till you explode and react out, that is when the abuser got what he wants and can point you out as the bad one.
Like you yelling, he probabaly provoked you.
I have never screamed at anyone, never thrown things or banged things, but my ex drove me utterly insane I did those things out of sheer desperation. For him to sit back and look at me like I am the crazy one. Utter emotional, psychological abuse. x

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