14th April 2016 at 9:11 pm #13842
I have a dilemma. I had forgotten about an occasion of oral sex between myself and my ex-husband until a friend recently told me of their own ordeal which was along similar lines.
I don’t know whether what happened to me that night (many years ago) was his wrongdoing or not. It is very frustrating because I can’t remember the whole thing clearly. I will recount it to you as best I can. I would really appreciate any feedback that could help me to make sense of it please.
It was the evening. We were in the bedroom. He wanted a b******b. I sat on the side of the bed, I think I was naked or nearly naked. I already knew that I didn’t like the taste of him or the experience of having him in my mouth so we must have done that before but I have no clear recollection of when. I opened my mouth a little and he pulled his f******n back and put himself in. I hated the taste of him and the feel of him in my mouth, and the smell of his body in general was repulsive to me (still is). I did what I was prepared to do as best I could. He enjoyed it. I did it because I wanted to be attractive to him and please him. I wanted to be sexy. I didn’t do it because I enjoyed it. I didn’t enjoy it and am sure that I could never do that for him for more than a few minutes. He wanted to go in further into my mouth. I didn’t want him to but I didn’t say so for the obvious reason. He asked to go in further and then pushed in further. I think his hand was on the top of my head. Eurgh. Disgusting. I most likely retched but can’t remember and don’t want to fill this gap with something imagined. I want to know what happened. Then I moved away and lay on the bed to do other things. I don’t know if it happened on this night or not, but he used to strangle me whilst I was on top of him – I had to prise his hands off me and when I asked him later on not to do it again, he had no recollection of it. He did it again. I know this was abuse but I don’t know about the oral sex.
Did he do anything wrong? Was it my fault that I endured this because I didn’t say no? I feel sure that he should have known that I didn’t like it but perhaps he didn’t.
At least now I know why I don’t like that side of the bed and why the smell of him makes me nauseous.
Was this oral rape?
I need to make sense of it. It is driving me mad. I was with my current partner recently and this is all that I could think of whilst he made love to me. I wasn’t making love to him back and cried my eyes out afterwards as I was so upset that I had let him and myself down. He is the most amazing and supportive person I can imagine. He is my rock and is so understanding of these issues that I have, I am so lucky. I don’t feel able to tell him about this incident in particular yet.
14th April 2016 at 9:19 pm #13845
I feel really bad about myself at the moment and that I don’t deserve my lovely man, or that I shouldn’t be with him as he is so lovely and I cannot always be happy. I worry that when I am low, I will be destructive in our relationship and that I will upset him or hurt him, although this is something that I never want to do. I cannot live without him but I can’t live with the prospect of him keep having to deal with my lows as they impact on us both greatly.
14th April 2016 at 9:50 pm #13852SerenityParticipant
Lovely to see your name after all this time.
My ex did very much the same.
It is forceful and it isn’t giving you a choice. In my mind, it can be counted as oral rape. If it was the other orifice, would it not be classed as rape? I think so.
Maybe they thought it couldn’t be classed as rape as it was not the usual form, but I think something like that is a transgression of rights.
Oh, it makes me sick- their sense of entitlement and lack of hygiene, and lack of respect and decorum.
I am so glad you have a caring partner now. Are you able to receive counselling to help you come to terms with your experience of abuse?
14th April 2016 at 9:59 pm #13854
It is lovely to hear from you and see that you remember me too.
I am having counselling with my local Rape Crisis. I have not mentioned this to her. I’ve only said it out loud to the Samaritans once and this is only the second time that I have told anyone about it properly. My partner knows that something along these lines has happened to me and will never ask questions about any of the things that have happened to me; he just makes sure that I know that he is prepared to listen and support me with whatever it is along with all the rest. I feel that I have burdened him with too much of this kind of stuff already and don’t want to keep doing it. I worry that one day his ability to support me so well without it hurting him will run out. I don’t want to hurt him.
I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve not been on here for a long time, as you know, so I have no idea of what has been happening for anyone.
14th April 2016 at 10:35 pm #13862AyannaParticipant
Any sexual act in any orifice of the body which is not agreed is rape. As you did not like it the least of this is coercion.
I had it much worse and he even injured me for life. The court still did not find there was sufficient evidence. We have rape promoting laws in this country. And the mental health nurse said to me I have to get over it and move on. This is how women are treated who suffer marital rape. It is nothing here, we just have to get over it. Men are encouraged to violate women and women are forced to shut up and get on with it. These conditions are worse than in the third world.
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