Wave of guilt – what to do?

[freedomtochoose]

Hello everyone,
I have been put back in the ESA support group which means I don’t have to look for a job right now.
Lost my disablity support PIP (detail removed by Moderator). Have got a caseworker for that – they made the decision without any medical evidence. It has been tough, may need to do tribunal to get it back.

My core coping strategy is finding creative ways to save money. Today I’m baking bread. Somehow also keeps me going. Young person in house doing well at school. We are more than a few years out.

What I’m going through right now can only be described as a wave of guilt. No matter what I do, inside I
don’t feel like a worthy person.

To get this far – I have had to disagree with a lot of people, and in doing so (and being assertive about building a new life with my daughter – ) I have lost ‘birth family’ and friends, So I’mm at the point where my support network is looking thin. I have got a few physical health issues as well, which I am bravecly tackling one by one, but a mixture of lack of finances and not feeling that brilliant has meant some things I have gone to to socialise are not speaking to me at the moment.

I’ve also recently distanced myself finally from a male ‘friend’ who, when I disagreed with them (detail removed by Moderator) about something called me an (detail removed by Moderator). I had worried about falling into the same patterns with abusive men and this finally was the deciding factor for me with that one. Decided that if I see this person on the street I will be walking on the other side of the road.

Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts. AT the moment I’m starting the day feeling overwhelmed, so have my coffee and make a list. As the day goes on usually things get better.

What is really puzzling me is if I had gone along with what some people wanted me to do (or what they said about me) then I wouldn’t be here and I certainly wouldn’t have been able to live with my daughter. Feels like I’ve had ot disagree with everyone on the planet, which is not a nice feeling.

Any thoughts ladies?

all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

One thing I feel guilty about is my ESA e.t.c. I actually had to say I don’t cook often. (I actdually don’t eat well, but cook for my daughter and to save money). In reality I cook as my coping strategy along with cleaning – when I find it difficult to go out. I feel guilty about this too. The times I’m on my own I don’t bother…feel as if I can’t win…relieved about being in support group, despite feelings of guilt.

[KIP.]

Would you feel guilty if you had broken your legs or your back? Sometimes I though my mental injuries (and I call them injuries, not illness, because that’s what they are) were my fault, it’s a viscous circle because that brings low mood and depression. You’re entitled to benefits to help you while you come to terms with the injuries you have sustained. This may take weeks, months or years. You are entitled to this help. Try to remember that these feelings will pass. Recovery is a roller coaster. Go back to 3 things a day for you to do until this mood changes and you move on to positive moods again. Be very kind to yourself. Take a mental health day and do nothing if that’s what it takes. Get a favourite movie on the tv. Get your duvet and pillows down and just chill.

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks KIP. Good advice. I really appreciate it
ftc
x

[Iwantmeback]

I find having to prove I’m not capable of doing the supposed easiest of tasks the hardest to explain to someone esp. when it’s a PIP assessment. No one , unless they’ve gone through it, can totally get that feeling of utter desolation, worthlessness that we feel. Chronic pain is debilitating enough, whether it’s ms or fibromyalgia, constant daily pain from arthritis, add into that the mental anguish we suffer by not being there for our loved ones, not being able to dress or even wipe your own backside. many of us can’t tell anyone these issues, it’s so embarrassing but if we don’t, then we lose out on the breathing space that getting benefits entitles us to. Maybe in the future, governments will work in conjunction with survivors of abuse instead of putting up more barriers fir us to overcome. We are always the easy targets because, we can imaging being in someone else’s shoes.
don’t feel guilty about saying you don’t/can’t cook, because in reality there is days that you probably can’t.
It worries me that I won’t manage on my own, being able to cook healthy from scratch meals, I’m already finding it really hard some days to lift pots. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Whether it’s using smaller pots, less food in them, =smaller portions then it’ll help keep me healthier.

@KIP, I like the sound of taking a mental health day. How many of us actually do that. Take care of our minds as well as our bodies? I’m guessing not that many, unless you are totally into the whole holistic approach to health.
Be kinder to yourself ftc, it’s okay to be ‘selfish’, it’s just putting the oxygen mask on us first if you look at it that way. 💜
IWMB 💕💕

[HopeLifeJoy]

You are allowed to take your sick leave and being taken care of by the goverment without feeling guilty. You have fought so hard to keep your daughter with everyone against you instead of supporting you, that is a huge battle and you won and absolutely did the right thing to follow your gut.
It is very exhausting to fight so allow yourself as many years as it took to fight, to rest and recover without a shred of guilt. You paid taxes your entire life so you are entitled to earn back that money through benefits, which is essentially yours to begin with.

I just tried a new thing this week, because I lost a lot of my identity lately and didn’t even know what is my favorite colour anymore.
And I found that very sad. So I decided to take a complete week off. No job hunt, no to do list. I let free rain on my brain. I did the things I like. And discovered with each passing day old passions I had before my abusive relationships. Things I completely forgot I used to like. I can recommend to do that. It is like taking a week of holiday but without going anywhere. It is very fulfilling.

If you were my friend in real life I would offer you financial support to lighten your financial worries, why don’t your friends offer to help you with that? They could send you each month a little bit, I believe money is here to be shared, one time one of us can’t work so you help out financially to be able to live instead of surviving.

Take it easy and treat yourself well and gently.

[freedomtochoose]

thanks ladies.
ftc
x

[Daisy]

Sounds like you are self doubting,and suffering from low self esteem which is very common after effects of abuse. However from your post you have clearly had to go with your own instincts, that have been spot on,by the way, you have had to cut out certain people who were not good for your recovery and because of that you have made it through and because of all you have done your child is doing well.keep doing it your way,( it shouldn’t be so hard at a time we are not up to dealing with hard though should it)
X x x

[freedomtochoose]

No, you are right Daisy. Had a little cry today – about things having been so hard.
You are absolutely right. People I have told (not many) – I never tell half of what I’ve had to deal
with as usually I get the jaw drop.
Not on here though
thanks for your words
ftc
x

[diymum@1]

You’re being both mum and dad to your child and that’s the hardest job in the world. Your dealing will illness and your still striving on against the odds ☺your allowed a down day from always standing so strong. I for one admire you 😊💕💕💕I hope your are ok xx diy mum 💙

[freedomtochoose]

ok here daisy. thank you all from my heart for your understanding and support.ftft

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