We had a ‘moment’

[RedGiraffe]

So… I broke it off a little time ago now however he still live with me and our child. He has been nice mostly (emotional abuse has ceased) but tonight we were laughing and we had a moment. I thought he was going to kiss me (he didn’t managed to turn it into a hug) and I don’t know if that would have been the worst thing. I’m so confused! I found the courage to break things off (Altho I didn’t foresee we would still be living under the same roof still after this time!) I’ve had no space to just move on and find who I am again without him!

Not really sure the point of this post, I just wanted to vent! To know I’m not crazy for still holding onto him. I’m so annoyed because hes managed to put that tiny little bit of doubt into my mind after I was so strong! Eugh!

[Eggshells]

You’re not crazy. I wonder whose decision it was for him to stay under the same roof? If you think it was your decision, think really hard about whether it really was.

The emotional abuse has ceased temporarily because he is trying to win you back. It is his intention to put that tiny bit of doubt in your mind. I lived with my ex for a months after we spilt and there was a relentless cycle of love bombing followed by behaviour designed to make me fearful of him and fearful of leaving.

I really would advise you to get out as soon as you can.

[RedGiraffe]

Wasn’t my choice (no surprise there) he says he can’t leave because he has no where to go (says family isn’t an option)… he’s looking for somewhere else (his word tho), I’m currently looking at other private renting options incase he doesn’t leave.

Thank you, I know I shouldnt indulge in this behaviour and suspected it was all apart of the cycle!

[Wants To Help]

So you had the chance of a kiss? Who turned it in to the hug, your or him? From reading your post it appears that you did, which means that the thought of being intimate with him is not really something that appeals to you right now. And that makes it easier to move on from him if you no longer fancy him and the thought of kissing him or having sex with him makes you feel “eugh””

[Eggshells]

Would it helpful if you had a quick look at rental opportunities that he could avail himself of – not for his benefit for yours, so that you know he can move out if he wants to. There are plenty out there, even in lockdown. The more people that lose their homes in the coming recession, the more competition there will be for rental properties so he needs to act now.

It will take courage but …..

How would you feel about telling him that you feel it is time he left and giving him a date that you want him out by?

If he makes excuses, be armed with a response e.g. you have found plenty of properties or even rooms that would be more than suitable for a single man.

I suspect he still won’t move out in which case, you and the kids will have to. Sadly this is a fairly usual thing in abusive relationships. The council have a responsibility to rehome abuse victims. Check with Refuge or Women’s Aid, whichever is local to you. In my area I had to make myself homeless for 6 weeks before they could offer me anything but it’s worth doing, especially if you have friends or relatives who could accommodate you for a while.

[Eggshells]

There are also court orders which you can use to force him out but I don’t know how these work. Other ladies on here do know about them though. Hopefully they can help.

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you… I have been looking for his too and even sent him a place which was suitable and within his budget, but they “didn’t get back”. I’ve been having a feeling I’d have to be the one to leave and found the perfect place but they took it off the market – so I’m hoping it goes back up soon!

I turned it into the hug – moved my face away from the kiss. I don’t wanna get ‘trapped’ again and if we were to kiss he’d take that as a confirmation to stay.

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