Wedding day

[Weemebreeze]

Hi everyone

I left my abusive ex months ago after a very violent attack and it’s been, at times, almost unbearable. Ive been no contact for months but He’s continued to torment me from the day I left and now lives with his new partner in the house we own. They’re befriending people close to me and parading themselves around like the happy couple with no cares in the world… meanwhile I’m desperately trying to make sense of what happened and start to rebuild my life and my self esteem but it’s really, really hard.

Our wedding day was supposed to be (detail removed by Moderator) – it’s been a really emotional few days, bringing everything back to me. Wondering if he’s thinking about me. I’m not really sure why I’m posting, I think I just wanted to tell people who might understand how I feel. Friends say I should celebrate and be grateful of a lucky escape…. But I just feel really sad. I never thought i would be in this situation. I thought I would have the wedding of my dreams to my dream man. Instead, I escaped a violent bully who manipulated, lied and used me. It’s a confusing time. X

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Wemebreeze. Letting you know that I’m glad you’re here. It makes sense to me that you’d feel confused & sad. Abuse itself is so confusing & then leaving an abuser can really just turn your world upside down & bring up so many different emotions. It can be really hard to reconcile that the man you loved & thought you knew is actually an abusive monster. It can take time to wrap one’s head around all of that. To me, the whole parading around town with his new partner & intentionally befriending your friends sounds like another form of abuse to me. That new relationship may look rosy from the outside but abusers aren’t capable of having healthy non abusive romantic relationship. That woman unfortunately will be another victim, if she’s not already.

It’s ok to feel whatever you feel. Yes you can feel fortunate that you escaped but also you can feel sad & mourn the life & love you had planned out. That’s normal. Is it possible for you to be extra kind to yourself this week – maybe do some things to pamper yourself?

[Weemebreeze]

Hi SingleMomSurvivor, thank you so much for taking the time to respond, i really appreciate it. What you’ve said is exactly right – it does just feel like my world has been turned upside down and it’s so reassuring to know that what i’m feeling is normal.

This is maybe one for another post/thread but I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how much of his current actions are actually done to hurt me or is it just me being unreasonable / oversensitive. for example, the person his partner has recently befriended is my (detail removed by Moderator). For me, that’s just too close to home and of all the people in the world to make friends with, why target someone with a direct link to me. It’s this that makes me think it’s deliberate, and to hurt me, and to find out information about me (i’ve been zero contact and have not seen him for months). another part of me thinks i’m being completely paranoid and that it’s totally innocent. since i left there’s been many “potentially innocent” situations that have distressed me – there’s been things like him seeming to know content from my whatsapps (so i changed my number and got new phone), him driving past my house 6-7 times a day, him being parked in the same area as where i get my nails done (over (detail removed by Moderator) away) …..i just don’t know if i’m over-reacting and all these things are normal/reasonable and are just coincidence or are they part of a wider campaign of abuse designed to “punish” me for leaving. I’ve got a councillor and was talking to her and explained that it’s all done in such a way that it could be explained as innocent i.e. there’s no violence in the street, shouting etc. it’s all very subtle which makes it look like i’m going mad. sorry, i’ve gone completely off tangent!

you’re so right – i need to pamper myself and unwind a bit. i’m feeling really tense and on edge. thank you so much again for replying x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

The things you’ve described are not normal or reasonable behaviors on his or her part & you are not overreacting. It sounds like since you left, he’s found ways to covertly abuse you. Abusers are really good at figuring out how to abuse & harass using methods that to the outside world don’t appear obviously abusive. My ex is really good at this. So he doesn’t hit me anymore or use abusive language because now the courts are involved & monitoring him. But he’ll show up for his visits with our kids late, or on days he’s clearly not scheduled to see them. He’ll file ridiculous claims against me with the court out of “concern” for our children. It’s all just another form of abuse & control but things that he could easily explain away & deny. It for sure sounds like your ex is also engaged in covert abuse meant to punish you, keep you on edge & disrupt whatever sense of safety you’ve established for yourself.

Abusers are also really really good at making us question our reality & our own judgment & making us wonder if the abuse we are experiencing is really all that bad. Trust yourself. You have good judgment & you know how to keep yourself safe. You are not overreacting. His behaviors are abusive.

Also abuse can escalate after a woman leaves so I’m wondering if there is anyone you can report his behaviors to (but only if you feel it’s safe for you to do so). Id also recommend considering keeping a journal with dates/times/incidents. It can help to demonstrate a larger pattern of abuse & harassment in case authorities ever become involved.

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you very much. you’re absolutely spot on – i need to keep a journal as the incidents are mounting up. Even really small things like my friend was saying she went out her backdoor the other night and he was staring at her through his window. again, could be coincidence and he was just gazing out at the view but she felt he was watching to see if i was there. you’re right about trusting my gut – it kept me right through the relationship so i need to listen to it now. I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through too – my heart goes out to you. The one blessing i have is that i don’t have children with him. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it must be dealing with this sort of stuff when you have children together.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Yes keep track of these incidents & also remember that they are not actually harmless or small. It definitely sounds like he’s engaging in some stalking behaviors & it’s beginning to include your friends as well. This would be a good time to add some additional precautions to your safety plan.

And thank you for your kindness. It’s definitely not pleasant having to interact with my ex because of the kids but it’s forced me to reevaluate my safety plan multiple times & continuously put stricter & stricter boundaries in place. I try not to let anything slide.

[cakepops]

It sounds like he is still focused on you, not on his new life. Therefore he hasn’t actually moved on at all despite putting a lot of effort in to pretend he has.

My ex is similar in that he has a new partner (I don’t) and so on the surface it seems like he has done a great job moving on and I haven’t. But in reality he constantly finds ways to harass and upset me either directly or via our children or professionals. A lot of these abusers are exceptionally clever and manipulative, and the way they do things wouldn’t seem abusive to an outsider. You know the truth though, so take some comfort in that.

It’s great that you’re getting counselling. I’ve found that really useful too. Over time it will get easier, and you will learn ways of ignoring his nonsense. If he wants to waste the next decade focusing on you, not his new life, then that says way more about him than you.

[Weemebreeze]

Hi cakepops, thank you very much for your response! That’s so true and is what my councillor is saying too – what a sad man wasting his life on making my life difficult. These responses are helping me so much – you’re right about them being so manipulative and clever that often outsiders dont think their actions are abusive. so many friends have said “oh well, don’t read too much into it.” or “just move on, don’t give him a second thought” ….so much easier said than done when you think that behind it is a cold, calculated deliberate attempt to hurt. I also agree – despite trying to make it look like he’s moved on the surface, he clearly hasn’t as why would he be trying to get close to people in my circle, why would he want to stay so close to me, in my area etc.

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