Weird behaviour

[Buddy]

He has been so calm , cool and collected since I dug my heels in and made a decision that things won’t be brushed under the carpet any longer ..
although he hates it when I am decisive about things and can see me taking over things I.e food shopping etc .. we had words the other night ( nothing major ) and he locked himself in the garage with a (detail removed by moderator)..
I went up , he opened the door and I said if we carry on like this I will have to go and rent somewhere , then I said (detail removed by moderator) ..
no reply .. and since this he is carrying on as normal , not asked me a single thing about tablets and councillor .. not to ask your wife about this seems strange to me ..
It’s like I am his enemy not the person he should be closest too

 

 

[Catjam]

Mine is doing exactly the same. It’s like I haven’t said anything. Carries on like everything is just fine. It’s really frustrating

[Camel]

Hello Buddy (and Catjam)

You call this ‘weird behaviour’. It isn’t. It’s the textbook response of an abuser.

You probably think that you’ve stood your ground, laid down ultimatums. In exasperation you even threatened to leave.

But you’re still there, waiting for him to accept this new version of you. Waiting for him to care.

Meanwhile he has you jumping through hoops, trying to get a response from him. Any response. Meanwhile all he has to do is keep his mouth shut.

Is getting your way on the big shop really a victory when it means you have to deal with this nonsense? Isn’t it ridiculous to try to reason with someone who ‘hates it’ when you’re decisive? Doesn’t it bother you that he doesn’t care about your health. Or whether you stay or go?

You could stay, but forget expecting him to come round to your point of view.

Or you could stop pointless threats to leave. And simply leave.

[Buddy]

Hi camel ,
You are so right and I know this .. I am only (detail removed by moderator) into taking my antidepressants , waiting for them to kick in to get some strength back ..
I am planning on leaving at some point but not that easy with two children , not much money etc ..
I am still feeling low so not in a place to do anything about it yet !!
Leaving isn’t that straightforward for me .. staying is not either 😬

 

 

[coffeepotion]

I’ve been seeing a counsellor for over (detail removed by moderator), not once has my husband asked anything about it. I said to my counsellor once, do you think he realises I talk about him in sessions.

It’s so odd, he asks nothing about me, not even how is my day most of the time.

I feel very alone and I’m sorry you are in a similar situation

 

[Eggshells]

Hi Buddy

Hopefully once the tablets kick in you’ll start o find some motivation. The trouble is that when you get this low, it’s hard to do anything except survive.

Let us know when you’re ready and hopeful we can help you in manageable steps. It seems like you have a mountain to climb but once you start, you might be surprised at how some of those hurdles are easier to jump than you thought.

Sorry, mixed my mataphores there. ☺️

In the meantime, please keep talking. I think that by coming on here and talking to us, you are already taking your first steps even if you don’t realise it. Perhaps you are looking for validation of your feelings to help you feel more confident that what you are experiencing is not acceptable. When you get that validation, you will feel more confident in your assertion that this relationship is not right. You will definitely get that validation here. I think we all agree that this is not ok for you.

I can’t remember if you have an outreach worker from your local DV charity?

[iliketea]

Hey @Buddy – yep yep yep….had all this, totally weird behaviour and totally NORMAL abuser behaviour. Have you seen the This is my Abuser thread – its loooooong now but its got some really useful insights.

I get the having to wait and get the energy, totally get that. Can you use this time to build your strength up in other ways:
1) by building a support network or professionals – GP, IDVA at local domestic abuse support agency/service, Womens Aid, counselling, work support, solicitor.

2) building yourself up – exercise is a good lifter, clean eating, that sort of thing. Be the best, the healthiest, the strongest you can be. Imagine your about to do go out into the unknown and survive…on a basic level, this is what it will seem and feel like to your subconscious, as its the fight or flight reaction that has kicked in.

3) educate yourself on abuse – this was the key for me – read or listen to key books – look on the Book List – for me Healing from Hidden Abuse and the Covert Passive-Obsessive N********t were amazing, and Lundy’s books Why does he do that and the one to do with children

4) If you haven’t already, gather evidence – two keys ones which will help you going forward but that will also help you understand what you’re in and dealing with – (i) Timeline of your relationship with key events and then recall behaviour, incidences and mark Red Flags as you see them now (ii) An ongoing diary/journal day to day, what has happened, recall actual conversations – record on voicepro if you can safely, and write down how it made you feel and if in front of children the effect on them as you saw it.

5) Where you want to be? So your legal position and how you’re going to get there. Could be radical start life in a new city or could be stay in own home and be safe… An End Plan. Then an Ideal Situation of how you would like to get there. Or if its staying in the current situation how could it be improved…what steps to take to see if he will change – Im not really advocating this as they never change but often we have to go through these steps to see it in action for ourselves. Arrange Relate appointment, or he goes to counselling on his own, or whatever it is you think you could see happening to make it/him change improve….

Knowledge is power and will give you the strength to change your situation. Im going to bump some posts that might be useful, that I wrote when I was “in” it…thinking all the same things you have been and are. Don’t worry, you’ll be ok, this will be ok, it takes deep breathes, planning, building up, staying safe, opting out of the craziness and chaos of life with an abuser and if you can and its at all possible – disengage from the circular rubbish, give up justifying, questioning, trying to get him to answer for his actions, he won’t. The IDVA gave me this advice early on. Its good advice. Its hard but in essence it frees you in part from it to give your brain space.
Sending a big hug. You’ll get there.
xx

[Camel]

Hi Buddy

I hope you’re OK. I’m sorry I came across all gung-ho and didn’t take your circumstances into account. Take the advice of the other ladies and educate yourself on what abuse looks like. So that when you’re strong enough you can take action.

I just have to say that it’s astounding how many of us are on (or have been on) antidepressants. Have you told your GP everything? Were you offered counselling of any kind?

[Author]

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