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My ex had a very weird way of controlling me. He would never state his wishes, he would go along with everything I suggested and then would go silent, sulk, or sabotage because he was doing something he didn’t want to do, but hadn’t said beforehand that he didn’t want to do. But he would NEVER make a suggestion about anything – whether it was what to eat, what to watch on TV, or where to go on holiday. It was infuriating.
If he ruined a night out by behaving atrociously he would say afterwards “I didn’t want to do that/go there/meet those people anyway!” I was always confused about what he wanted or what I was doing wrong. Nothing was ever straightforward. Even though he agreed to everything I suggested, I still had to literally walk upstairs beside him at bedtime! I have no idea how he managed to establish that!
I was with him for quite a few years but am now I am out of it, but my head still has a confused feeling inside – foggy, cotton woolly. I don’t expect people to make much sense anymore. I often wonder when they are being real, if they mean what they say. I was never like that before. I hope I can get back to normal.
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I’m glad you’re out of it. Did your health deteriorate too? I was constantly ill before I left and now all those illnesses have gone. I too had this type of weird control – it’s sneaky and very clever and designed to make you think you’re going mad. Kept in constant doubt, confusion and submission inevitably leads to walking side by side up the stairs which I had to do when he wanted to go to bed not when I did. And I had to hold hands constantly when we were out. It’s romantic he’d claim whereas in reality I was like a dog walking to heel at her master’s side.
A lot of controlling limiters were put in place in the name of love and romance. -
Hi Fudgecake. Yes, I developed chronic pain and a lot of muscle tension, and was always exhausted. I often felt down and burdened by trying to figure out how to keep him from being sulky. Always doing what I wanted made me feel selfish and demanding – but he would never suggest anything. I felt like it was my responsibility to make him happy, by doing lots of guesswork to ensure a meal out, or time with friends wouldn’t be ruined. It was bizarre, because although I got to do whatever I wanted, my focus was always on him. It wasn’t a partnership – it was a weird out-of-step dance that eventually led to broken bones (mine) and a trip to A&E where I lied to a doctor. And STILL I kept going!
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That’s a good way of describing it- A weird out of step dance. I’m sorry that it became violent for you but you’re out and safe and stronger for it. I left before the physical abuse started but I could sense it was coming soon. And always there, right from the start, was an underlying threat he could and would get physical to the point I was living in fear.
No way to live, is it? -
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It has affected my health terribly, I’m in a lot of pain and have lost so much weight. I haven’t long left but when I was sofa surfing I started to feel a bit better but since getting my own place I’m struggling again but it is very early days and I suspect it’s my programming kicking in and I’m panicking about the house, cooking, the bills and whether I’m capable of looking after myself.
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I suffered terribly with infections and I also had high blood pressure. I was constantly tired too and suffered body aches.
Physically I’ve recovered but mentally I haven’t. Now after some time out I’m dreaming of him a lot and in some dreams I’m reliving the abuse and in other dreams he’s
Love bombing me. Mentally I’m still on the rollercoaster. -
Hi, sorry to hear about your experiences. I was in a very strange controlling relationship with a n********t. I managed to get myself back from the depths of his control and I started seeing a new guy. This guy is controlling in a different way. More like this ‘sulky’ way. He doesn’t say I can’t do anything or that he doesn’t want to do something, he just says ‘you can do what you want’. Then when I do it he sulks, as in blocks me on his phone and ghosts me for a few days to a week. If he said he doesn’t want me doing something it’s much easier to handle and manage, but the fact he just says I can if I want makes me think ok I will hen. So Confusing.
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So this!
It’s such a sneaky way for them to make us take all the responsibility on isn’t it? I can think of so very many instances where he would make all his miseries my fault because I had decided to go to a certain place/event, with or without him, and that had been a catalyst for him feeling ‘down’, drinking heavily, starting up an emotional affair, and on, and on.
Always when I attempted to discuss going places or doing things he’d say ‘it’s up to you’.
Now and again there’d be the opposite, just to chuck a curveball at me. He’d want to go somewhere, knowing I would be feeling particularly exhausted or in pain at that time, I’d agree to go and then that day he’d sit about making no move to get ready and not mentioning the event until it was too late to go. Then he’d blame me for us not going and say it was because I hadn’t bothered. On using it against me at a later date that story would become that I had deliberately avoided going, and had suddenly said I didn’t want to go. (None of which happened).
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My ex ruined his own birthday. We were supposed to be going out to dinner. He was running so late and complaining that he wasn’t feeling well but still saying ‘yeah we’ll go’. I ended up cancelling as it got so late I felt bad on the restaurant as they were waiting for us. It was then all my fault as I had cancelled the reservation.
Yes they are very sneaky and twist and manipulate everything to being our fault. That way not only do they get to feel high and mighty… but we also stupidly apologise to them.
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