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    • #100153
      Goingthroughit
      Participant

      So I know blaming yourself is a very normal occurrence in these abusive relationships but the more I’m reading the more I’m torn
      Because yes he did tell me how to dress,who I could and couldn’t talk to and sometimes even the way I spoke I was told I just wanted publics attention I was u Dee the thumb so to speak
      But I did get angry if he did something like hang the washing wrong but I can blame that partly on my ocd but unlike him I would never ignore him as he would me.
      He used to trash things and demand I clear them up if he couldn’t find something in the house because that was always my fault I would never do that I felt like an animal however I don’t one thing very wrong in the relationship I spoke to my ex who broke my heart to get closure but I told him about it because I felt so guilty and he always held that against me 5 years after even he used to threaten me with leaving if we ever had even a small argument he would set me off then blame me and said i scream everyday and I’m teaching my daughter that ok
      I never questioned his wear about or told him what to do or who he could speak to he has hit me a few times over the years but wouldn’t say I was beaten he did this when I spoke to my ex and other times if he didn’t like my tone he would shove his finger hard into my cheek of really hit my nose I always hit back I’m just feeling low like what if I’m the abuser and I’ve hurt him
      (detail removed by moderator)

    • #100183
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi there Goingthroughit, I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling. You are so right, it is very common to blame yourself. However, it is so important to remember that you were not responsible for his behaviour and his actions.

      You don’t have any reason to feel guilty. Asking your partner to do something differently, such as the example you give about the washing doesn’t make you abusive. You deserve to move on with your life without fear and abuse.

      If you think it would be useful you could access some support from Women’s Aid through the Live Chat

      Best wishes

      Lisa

    • #100237
      Quietgirraffe
      Participant

      Hi GTH,

      I am in a very similar boat right now and it’s true, abusers always try to spin things to confuse us and make us think we’re the ones who were in the wrong, and because they damage our self-esteem so much it’s easy for us to believe it. But what you describe sounds like abuse for sure, no one who loves you would ever try to control you in the ways you describe. And even if he hit you only once, that is still abuse and even just that is a good enough reason to leave. Maybe try writing out the things he’s done to you and then going back and reading through it when you start to feel your clarity slipping. I’ve done that and its helping – it’s not always easy to read through those things as they bring up painful memories but it will help reinforce your mental clarity and give you strength to understand that you are not the one in the wrong. It’s not easy but you will get through it, stay strong!

      • #100441
        Goingthroughit
        Participant

        hi quietgiraffe
        yes your right hes not talking to me right now only calling to talk to little one i am going to write down all the things he has done might take my mind of my breathing i used to suffer with ocd,healthy anxiety, panic attacks and they are all back since the lockdown i get up everyday and im fighting,for now he needs to get to the back of my mind ive been taking positive steps to make it real like called tax credit removed him im sorry your going through something like me i wouldnt wish that on anyone its scary how many women have and still are
        i wish u all the best with your outcome
        stay safe x

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