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So after a few weeks of peace this past week has been horrible. Weve been (detail removed by moderator) and he tells me he no longer wants to (detail removed by moderator). I am devestated I cant do it without him. But this week the pure hate and venon ive seen in his face has shocked me. He threw something at a wall and called me a (detail removed by moderator) when i said no to sex he had a go at me shouting and screaming when one of our kids (detail removed by moderator) blaming me for over working him he even stopped me from (detail removed by moderator) to go find them. Once we did find them he just laughed and asked for sex. And he has thretened me and scared me twice. Im reading why does he do that like many of you suggested and wow oh my gosh i see him in there although still even now as i write this i am doubting nyself wondering if im just writing this for attention Im lonley i asmit that but Im not imagining this Im sure im not making it seem worse than it is he did these things he said those words thats not normal right? Theres no point at all to this post I just needed to get it out Im trying so hard not to hurt myself so Im using this as a way of letting it out instead sorry and thanks for listening.
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Hugs to you.
I don’t think you’re looking for attention. Just validation and identification / connection with others who understand how it feels to live like this.
I often used to wonder “what would someone need to do to make ME rage and punish like he does for no reason at all’. And to the brush over it and expect no conversation or consequence (ie you being upset / physical closeness to stop etc)!is crazy making. My ex used to get in a prolonged rage if I cried or if I tried to talk about how his behaviour affected me. That was me ‘making him feel like s**t’ so I learned never to talk about it and just be grateful when he snapped out of it. It was a massive elephant in the room. What a life!
What do you think you will do long term?
GR
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Hugs.
Do you think a future without him would be as horrible as the present is with him?
My ex was very strident in telling me how I’d never cope without him and telling me how useless I was at everything. However, I seem to be findibg that I’m much more confident and capable now i dob toneed to listen to him and his critiques, and put all the energy I used to spend on treading on eggshells into more creative and fruitful endeavours. I never realized quite how much he exhausted me until I left.
GR
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@greyrock if i am totally honest totally i dont want to stay i dont want to live like this anymore but i know i wont leave and that hurts me more than anything knowing this is me. Its been too long I couldnt start over again and i wouldnt know where to start. This is me and ive gotta find the best way theough i can i guess.
Seeing the pure hate in his face this week and how his anger seems to be getting worse after weeks of quiet has really shaken me. I think you are amazing for breaking free truely amazing. -
Hello nbumblebee
I am so sorry to hear how awful your week has been. I know only too well what it feels like to have some decent weeks and then for everything to all fall apart and all hell break loose – usually for the slightest of reasons. You are not alone and its good to post and vent off. I am still with my husband, or rather abuser, but I am making plans to escape. (Detail removed by moderator) I was lucky enough to meet up with two friends and had a lovely day, it reminded me what true happiness feels like. I never feel like this when I am with him, and I know I never will. They drain our energy and it is exhausting living like this. I tell myself that life is precious and I need to be happy, I am building strength. You are stronger than you think, you’ve put up with his behaviour for years and brought up your children, he does not deserve the beautiful person which you are. Think about how wonderful and carefree your life could be without him in it. We become so entrenched living in misery it is hard to visualise another life – but there is one – we need to aim for this. Would your children (I think they are grown up)? be able to help you get out? They must see how horrible their father is to you, even though it is never mentioned. I hope you have a better day today, and I’m sending you strength and love xx
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@secretlife Im so sorry you are going through this too I really am. It eats away at me every minute of every day its all i can think about. Have you read why does he do that? Its a hard read but my goodness things makes sense more now. I know deep down what he is doing is wrong and I know if a friend came to me with my worries id tell them to get out but its not that easy is it?
I cant see a future where im not here its been so long and im so scared. Im lonley im lost and i just feel beaten.
I just love the fact you are making plans to leave am i allowed to ask what they are and how? You dont need to go into detail i just wouldnt know where to start. You are truely amazing for making a start you really are and i hope you are proud of yourself for being that strong. Thank you again for the reply. Take care xx-
nbumblebee I’m so happy to hear you’re reading Why does he do that? I know you were really scared to open that can of worms. This is a really big step for you – well done! Don’t underestimate the courage it has taken you to face what’s going on. You have just opened a door that can’t be closed (not permanently anyway). I’m not saying it’s plain sailing now, of course, but I am really proud of you. xxxxx
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@isopeace it isnt an easy read is it? Makes me cry it really does but I need to read it for myself to understand all this. Thank you so much for your support x
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Am sorry I just needed to add something, (detail removed by moderator) hes poorly (detail removed by moderator) which isnt at all like him, and as much as ive looked after him Ive had such a calm chilled out nice day because he isnt well enough to talk moan or want sex.
How bad is that? What a cow I am when ive had a nice day because he is poorly now i feel full of guilt and shame. Anyone else feel like this?-
I would translate this into “how sad is it that he makes your life so miserable, that you can only be happy when he is unwell?”
I don’t mean to dismiss how you feel at all. It’s totally understandable that you feel like this. You have spent years being convinced that his wellbeing is more important than your own. He wants you to not be ok unless he gets what he wants, because that means he always gets what he wants. The guilt and shame has been dumped on you by him to keep you trapped. He doesn’t want you to contemplate the idea that you’d be happier without him.
I 100% believe that everyone has the right to look after their own wellbeing. Any time you’re in a position where you feel pressured to sacrifice your wellbeing is a big red flag. It is absolutely ok to grab this opportunity with both hands and enjoy your day. You deserve it. 100%.
Maybe having a nice day while he’s ill is the start of seeing how much better life could be without him. He wants you to focus all your energy on him, but allowing yourself to do something good for you is a way to take power back from him and teach your mind that you are worth looking after. XXXX
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Yeah sadly it didnt last long just a (detail removed by moderator). It was great to be able to do what i wanted eat watch tv read anything it was such a good feeling. Now i feel so sad that I had that for just one day but yeah maybe just maybe i did see a glimpse of how it could be one day how i get there i still dont know. Big hugs and thanks for being here again, dunno what id do without you ladies xx
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I meant to add, yes, I too have read the book “why does he do that” – it changed my world! The knowledge and understanding I gained from it has given me a lot of inner strength, I know now how he ticks and I feel I am now one step ahead of his abusive thinking patterns. I hope it makes a difference to you after reading it xx
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@secretlife you are amazing thank you so much i appreciate it so much however please dont do anything that will make things rough for you.
Yeah im gonna stick with the book its something i really need to do. Thank you again stay safe x*x
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