What are people’s experience with CAFCAS and the whole process

[Appleblossom]

So after the restraining order lapsed a couple of months ago, the ex has now decided he wants to talk to his child. She is young. Over the space of (detail removed by moderator) months he has spoken to her a handful of times, over FaceTime, and each time he’s been emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative. It’s resulted in my wonderful little girl being distraught and having nightmares for months afterwards. I’d stopped the calls, because of this. And my Girl and I have had time to recover, heal and growth from that awful toxic time and environment. The restraining order was so helpful in giving us that space. We’re in a better place, she’s doing well. She’s started singing again. I hadn’t realised that she’d stopped singing, like little girls do until I heard her belting away the other day.

So anyway after all this time. He turns up randomly shouting that he wants to see her. I was terrified. I was shaking like a leaf, called the police, and they arrested
Him.

Now, (detail removed by moderator) he’s demanding to see her. Demanding to “know her general likes and dislikes”, who her GP is. How she is doing developmentally”, and he’s concerned that I haven’t contacted him to consult him on her upbringing? What? It’s just ridiculous.
I know he’s trying to press my buttons.

He’s used his sick dying mother as leverage. It’s disgusting.

(detail removed by moderator) He never looked after her, never did anything for us. Made our lives hell.

So anyways, sorry for long post!! What are
People’s experience (detail removed by moderator) I’d really appreciate hearing of your
Experiences

Xxxx

[Lisa]

Hello Appleblossom,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have sent you a private post a few days ago but I just wanted to add you some support here. It is so stressful when you know that an abusive ex partner is trying to instigate contact simply to try and hurt and manipulate you. Please ensure that you are keeping a really thorough diary of his contact and the effects it is having on your little one and perhaps if there is a care worker involved too you can ask them to be mindful of it too. Perhaps you can push for supervised contact and for him to attend a parenting course? Your local Women’s Aid will hopefully be able to provide you with ongoing support and perhaps signpost you to some legal help. They may also have children’s workers who can help support you and your little one. Rights of women (www.row.org.uk) and the NSPCC might also be helpful.

Good luck Appleblossom. Keep us posted on how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[freedomtochoose]

I can only offer what I would do in this situation.

Looking back I dug deep and went to counselling (detail removed by moderator), solely to identity my own needs, and my child’s needs as in the fray of emotional abuse I had lost sight of these.

Engaging in this process meant that when it came to approaching court decisions which needed to be made – I was ready and able to suggest to my barrister what was a very sensible contact arrangement.

We then stuck rigidly to that, and for many years although it was difficult it protected us emotionally.

Personally I would be very careful with CAFCASS. Your ex is not being helpful and in these circumstances what some do is kick off and request a Section 7 – in the courts to be carried out. Some of us have found these CAFCASS visits excruiciatingly painful as the officers sometimes take the view of the ex and play devil’s advocate.They will interview the child as well in this. Sometimes this works out well and to your favour but there can be little doubt that the process is intrusive.

You can be strong though in this and very grounded. Do everything you can to attend school events, cultivate relationships with teachers (and the headteacher of the school too). Carry on being the strong mother that you are, observant and caring.

You will win through.
Anything else and step by step you can post here as things go along. Obviously what I am writing here is coloured by my feeligns which are differnet from yours. If my comments are not relevant please discard them – no problem, but maybe something of this might help.
all best
ftc.
x

[freedomtochoose]

and you do NOT have to tell him who your child’s G.P is.
you do NOT have to explain how she is doing developmentally, if her were a responsible father with parental responsibility he should be judging this for himself.

What he is trying to do is smash your self-esteem as a mother and make you believe you are not doing a good job.

We can see on here and from what you write that you ARE doing a good job.
Don’t doubt it for one minute. It is a painful process at times but you will get stronger.
You will.
we are with you in spirit
best
ftc.

[Appleblossom]

Thanks ladies. That’s all really helpful!

I’m very worried about this whole situation. He’s good at manipulating people and twisting things round. I was supposed to have heard by now if he is putting a claim in but it’s all gone quiet again. I’ve been on tenterhooks, but based on your advice and sharing your experiences, I’m going to write everything down and have it ready for if and when he does. Getting the restraining order and the process was harrowing, not looking
Forward to this at all, but I’ll do the best I can for my little girl.

Thank you again, you wonderful people xxxx

[Goldengirl]

Hi, Apple. If you read through posts on here, you will discover that, in the majority of cases, Cafcass are biased towards contact with the father in order to have a balanced family – even if this is not in the interest of the child. Add to that, the fathers are usually very charming and it can get very frustrating. My experience of cafcass is that I told her how he was with me (with evidence) and what he had done to my child and she didn’t want to believe me – I was the one poisoning my child against the father! I was lucky in that my child was old enough to speak for their self (detail removed by moderator). However, my friend is going through a terrible time with all this and cafcass have been awful to her too – I have put a post on here for advice for her. My advice to you – keep as much evidence as you can about any contact whatsoever from father (either to you or through a third party); keep a diary of your thoughts and memories (you will not remember important things at the time you need them); get your child to keep a diary too (with help from impartial person, if you can) and, very importantly, record the interview with cafcass. This is to protect yourself when they make judgements against you. This might all sound frightening but just try to stay calm during the interview. The most important thing during the interview is to keep it TOTALLY about your child. Keep your answers to his behaviour towards your child and how your child feels about it all. Do not mention anything about how you feel or think about father as one sentence will be used as evidence as you poisoning your child against father. I hope I haven’t frightened you. My only intention is to forewarn you. Good luck and keep us all posted. Hugs to you!

[Goldengirl]

On a further note, it sounds like he has been to see a solicitor. The questions he has asked are ones solicitors get fathers to ask so they can be seen as caring and doting fathers.

[Surviving]

I have just had an awful experience eith cafcass. (detail removed by moderator) I knew from the start she was strong on fathers rights and said the past is the past. NO IT IS NOT. My (detail removed by moderator) old is now having to have child physcologists and mental health help due to all the abuse and the mind games.
Unfortunately because of the cafcass report my (detail removed by moderator)year old daughter now has to have (detail removed by moderator). The boys are old enough to say NO. We have been left in a situation where he can still control and abuse us

[Surviving]

(detail removed by Moderator). Sadly my daughter only gets (detail removed by Moderator) with me and her brothers. Holidays are to be discussed between us. He is now demanding and telling me he wants half of every holiday evennthkuhh he is working most if it. He is just doing it to hurt me as he will be giving her t9 his girlfriend to look after. I said I’m happy for him to have her on the days he has off but nope. Holidays are to be agreed between us

[freedomtochoose]

Just a few thoughts. Be strong hon. This sounds really difficult. Keep on posting here please.

You, can object, as a parent to people your child is spending time with. This is not regulated by the courts but if you really wanted to, you could object to your child spending time with his girlfriend. And my understanding at present of the courts is that if you felt the need you could object in law. Someone please correct me if I am wrong. ladies.

Second, you mention ‘he wants half of every holiday’. As it stands this does not seem to be part of a court order. So you have some leaway I feel to insist on what you think is best.

Withstand psychological intimidation. I of all people know this is not easy believe me, but you are not alone.

all best
ftc.
x

[freedomtochoose]

And is possible to phrase this positively i.e. you feel it is really important that he spends time with his kids as a dad and doesn’t palm this off on others. x

[Surviving]

I’m not aloud to do anything upset him because cafcass seem like they really want to give children to their dad’s regardless of the abuse he caused everyone. (detail removed by Moderator) So I have said I dont agree to him having her that week as he said he won’t be there to have her therefore it is best for child to be with mum and siblings and not passed around to others as shebwas gone through enough upset and confusion.
And he hasn’t given me (detail removed by Moderator) weeks notice either

[Author]

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