5th December 2018 at 12:25 pm #68198UnsureofwhattodoParticipant
When first leaving my abusive relationship I was beside myself trying to make sense of things. My therapist recommended a couple books. This first I read was “when love hurts”. I cried through the whole first chapter. After I read “why does he do that”.
Both helped me immensely. Helped me not feel so alone.
I’m in the process of reading the book “psychopath free” now, which I feel has really helped me not think about going back, and not feeling as responsible for things as I did before.
Has anyone else read anything that’s helped them?
5th December 2018 at 1:16 pm #68199SunshineRainflowerParticipant
Good idea for a thread. I loved both ‘Why does he do that’ and ‘Psychopath Free.’ The latter really helped me start healing because it described my ex to a tee and was written in a warm, supportive way. The former was also brilliant because it is helped me to understand the reasoning behind the behaviour and made me feel safer knowing experts understood the dynamic.
I also read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I didn’t find it as clearly written, but I found the information within it really interesting and is the kind of thing that should be taught in schools. He used to advise the police and is a security specialist. One of his main tasks was to interview victims of crimes and he said they always sensed something odd before the attack but dismissed it. He said it was that sense of something being off that was their warning system and talks about how it is essential that we listen to this because it can mean the difference between life and death.
I’m currently reading Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship and working through the exercises. It’s only a very thin book and perhaps a bit expensive for what it is, but it condenses down what boundaries mean and helps you really understand your own boundaries and how to protect them. So it’s like a distilled version and manages to say a lot of helpful things in few words.
I plan to share my list of boundaries on here once I’ve typed it up.
5th December 2018 at 1:48 pm #68201
Yes the Gift of Fear helped me so much. And I found ‘why does he do that’ essential reading.
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I also love ‘Women who run with the Woves (the Bluebeard story especially).
I also found great ‘He’s Not that into You’. (by Greg Berength).. ? right spelling) I found that very good for the mixed messages the abuser’s give. I also love the film with the same name!
Great thread. Information and knowledge is Power.
5th December 2018 at 1:52 pm #68202
Typo-‘ Women who run with the Wolves’ by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
and its shown mw
Oh yes and I really love and its helped me with my people pleasing tendencies and lack of self-care is ‘Why Men like B*****s’ and ‘Why men marry B*****s’ by Sheryl Argov. You can also google her top phrases from the book. I love the humour and lightness in that book when I’m dealing with the heaviness of dysfunctional behaviour and that book has shown me where I need to modify my behaviour.
5th December 2018 at 9:48 pm #68220ButterflybooParticipant
Reading “why does he do that” really helped me untangle some of the confusion, helped me not feel so alone, validated my experiences and helped me feel less “stupid” for having experienced what I did.
6th December 2018 at 10:54 am #68235
SunshineRainFlower that would be great if you shared your list of boundaries when you get a chance. Constant work always needed on my boundaries. Looking forward to you sharing your thoughts and insights on Boundaries.
10th December 2018 at 6:55 pm #68453teatimeParticipant
‘Why Does he Do that’ really unscrambled my brain. I also read another book by a lady but I cannot remember her name, it was pretty good.
I tend to read a lot of articles about psychology and abusiveness now to help me and remind me of my boundaries.
Recently I discovered the term ’emotional incest’ which is when a parent relies on a child too much as a support or crutch. It’s not sexual, it’s when the parent/ child boundary is blurred.
I totally recognise this in my own experience of growing up. I was the confidante, the helper, the little person who knew too much about adult relationships, a parent’s loneliness and sadness… I felt crushed and dazed and stumbled into adolescence letting boys pull me about and hurt me. Furthermore I was beaten up when I was young… even more trauma.
11th December 2018 at 2:23 pm #68531cupofcoffeeParticipant
Caitlin Moran “How to be a Woman” and Constance Hall “Like a Queen” I found were very empowering books for women.
11th December 2018 at 2:34 pm #68532KIP.Participant
The Railway Man by Eric Lomax. I know it’s slightly different but he’s a survivor of terrible abuse in the war and his insight into PTSD and how he over came it is inspiring.
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