- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
hi everyone.
im a (detail removed by moderator) single mom of one who is a survivor of domestic abuse. i do not like the word “victim” to describe me.
I have been away from my ex who abused me for (detail removed by moderator) we are going through the Family court as there is local authority involvement. My son (detail removed by moderator) resides with me in a mother and baby foster placement (detail removed by moderator) which was set up for support and to protect us from further violence.
(detail removed by moderator) i have become increasingly anxious and for a lack of a better term “living off my nerves” for the past few months since. i live every day in constant fear of the stunt he will pull next. since then my sons contact had been stopped with his father. i am glad of this as i feel he is a great risk to my son and the fact he has threatened abduction of him before terrifies me even though the visits are supervised.
i have a non-molestation order in place after he stalked and actually tracked my where about’s and managed to trace me to the previous foster placement address. i live in fear that he will continue to harass and stalk me until he finds me and i fear what he may do if he ever finds me. (detail removed by moderator) i cannot live a “normal” life even though he isnt in it because whilst we have no contact he is still being able to control my life and freedom with his actions. he is running the court and overtaking the judge which is absolutely horrendous.
i feel i am at the end of a string that is going to snap any moment. i physically do not know what to do anymore. i have instructed my solicitor and barrister and they are doing all they can to voice what my concerns and opinions are but i feel that no one is listening to me.
i really just feel i need someone to talk to or some advice before i drive myself over the edge. i have made myself extremely ill through worry and constant strain on myself and just feel some help or advice or just a shoulder to cry on would be great…
-
I don’t know a huge amount about the courts but just wanted to say I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through, it sounds horrendous and I think you are incredibly strong. The fact that you are only young too and handling all of this shows what a strong person you are so give yourself credit for that.
I’m not sure of the advice and help you’ve got so far but do you have a women’s aid support worker, like an outreach worker? If not then maybe ask your local women’s aid if they can help you. There are also advocacy workers available with some charities. Victim support gave me emotional support for a few months which helped. There is also Rights of Women who you could try contacting if you haven’t already, as they provide legal advice to women in particular. Even your GP can help and can refer you onto available services.I think you are doing the right thing logging the evidence and reporting him to the police. Are you speaking to the domestic abuse team rather than the regular police? I found the regular police not too great but apparently the domestic abuse teams are better. I think unfortunately what you are experiencing is the rubbish situation of the police and family courts at the moment which are not doing enough to protect survivors and are letting abusers control things which from what I understand is one of the things Women’s aid is campaigning about. We just have to keep fighting for our rights and protections, get our voices out there, and not give up.
In order to do that we have to look after ourselves physically and mentally as much as possible. Are you eating well, exercising and do you have a peaceful bedroom to sleep in? All of those things help a lot. Getting out for. walk everyday, talking to friends etc. It’s not always easy as survivors as we worry about the abuser turning up but as long as we are safe they shouldn’t control our lives. I know a bit how you feel because my ex stalked/harassed me afterwards and I was scared he’d turn up. But I started going on daily walks around the block and it helped. I was really hyper vigilant, had my phone and a rape alarm and looked out for cars like his. Eventually I started going for longer walks. It’s been a while now and I go out to different places but I’m still always thinking about safety but not to the extent that I let him control my life. These guys are sad losers and we are a million times better than them. They want to dull our shine but it’s important that we don’t let them.
Do look into security protections for your house, computer, phone, car etc. So for example I wiped my phone and changed my number, got someone to check my car for devices and rarely ever use the GPS location thing on my phone. There are good articles about this online.
Hopefully this helps in some way, keep sharing on here and reaching out for all the support available. I think you’re doing great, remember to feel proud of how far you have come and to be kind to yourself. And if you are fearing for your safety absolutely keep ringing the police, it is their job to protect you.
-
Nothing, darling. None of this is your fault. He’s the offender, but reining in his behaviour is restricting your liberty and peace of mind.
It’s so wrong that he is on the loose and you are having to hide. Which of you deserves to be in prison? Not you!
I hope the system makes you and your child safe and keeps you safe, too. These monsters look and talk like normal people at first: no blame to you for not spotting him until it was too late.
Flower x
-
Hello ladies,
I have been away from the computer for a while and I’m having trouble replying to comments (getting mixed up etc). I’ve been in a pretty bad place recently just very stressed and low. Things are eating me away. They have allowed him contact with my son. Even though (Court detail removed by moderator). I feel physically sick as I know he will not admit to anything. It’s breaking me a fair amount. I just wanted to thank you all for the supportive comments and useful knowlegde you have given to me. I am trying to move on and overcome this and get help though there always seems to be something coming up stopping me. They have also decided to only charge him with one count of breach of a non molestation order though there are over 20 in all. I feel so let down. I’m hoping and praying I can convince them that they have all affected me in the worst ways. Which they have!! I don’t feel safe knowing he is roaming the streets etc. (Court detail removed by moderator) I feel he is getting away with so much! I just hope people will realise I’m not lying! I went to the GP the other day I’ve never seen them before and they hadn’t looked at my records I had a UTI they wanted to examine me which I said was ok and out of the blue after having a look etc they asked me “have you ever been raped” I just froze I didn’t know what to say… I couldn’t even question it. What am I to think? Should I go back and speak to them? What do you think? My solicitor has asked me to as she thinks it could be used in court against him. I’m open to opinions on this….
Thank you all
(detail removed by moderator) xx
-
-
I too experience court and feel they are only interested in ticking boxes and ultimately allowing dad contact, regardless of how much you express your concerns, provide evidence etc etc.
I feel like I’m just being humoured.
Try to be prepared for the idea of him seeing ur kid and more so the level he will lie!!-
Thank you so much for your reply, it’s not good to know you are going through the same thing as I am truly sorry you are. I’m trying to get help I just seem to be reliving the (detail removed by moderator) years of abuse over and over again in my head. I put on a brave face to try and keep my sanity but behind closed doors it is destroying me. The local authority have now decided to grant his access to my son and its put me more on edge than ever…
I really appreciate the reply thank you ❤️
-
-
in my experience of the courts he should have no more avenues to go down if hes had supervised access and now its been stopped. the last resort now should be no more contact. if he has threatened abduction especially this is a huge safety concern and risk factor. i hope your solicitor is drawing the line for you. its worth looking at the european rights convention and the istanbul convention also – your child has rights too noy just him these men claim there rights and we are too scared to incase were reprimanded – you have every right to uphold you and your childs right tho xx i ended up asking are you going to take responsiblity if something happens to my child? pull ou the document 19 child homicides by womens aid children and mothers are killed due to unsafe contact that should have never been aloud no less granted xxxx
-
-
the courts do listen when you keep reiterating this they will see in how adamant you are and in seeing that your sincerity xxxx i think also they take you seriously if you know your rights and know how this works – so the crux is youve given your child the choice re contact uve tried to promote it but when it becomes detrimental to the child then it has to stop BUT u tried x*x hope this make sense x
-
There is still so little understanding in the court system about the traumatic and devastating consequences are of being a survivor of domestic abuse (I too think like you – not a victim). There is also a huge lack of knowledge about n********m and n**********c abuse. It is utterly unfair that you are the one who feels like this, it is utterly unfair that I feel like this too. But that is where strength lies… although it feels like it you are NOT the only one. Sadly you know belong to a secret society of survivors. There is so much support and guidance out there. Get in touch with your local women’s centre, call women’s aid, listen to other peoples’ stories and share yours. I hugely recommend you look into getting counselling through them because they are trained in trauma counselling. There are people who want to and will listen to you. You have already started to do that. And in doing so you will find advice tailored to this awful situation. The fact you have a non-mol is an enormous credit to you. That your son hasn’t access is an enormous credit to you. You are doing so amazingly well and even if you don’t feel it every day you are protecting you and your son like a fierce lioness!
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
