This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Hetty 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #97681
     Catjam 
    Participant

    He has been escalating last few days, one minute telling me I am horrid to him the next really clingy. Silly stuff really. The other day I joked I was now a hard core b***h and he agreed and told me I had taken it too far and needed to stop. The only thing I have changed is that I try not to react when he is telling me yet again how badly I treat him.
    It all seems too pathetic to even write down but I know from past experiences that if I try to tell him how I feel it gets used against me. Even the language he uses now is in a form of things I have said previously.
    I know I am heading for a night of head fog. He waits until we got to bed then wakes me up to tell me how scared he is at losing me, he tries everything he can to make me happy but I knock him back or push him away.
    Do I continue to try make myself heard or do I carry on in the way I have these couples of months? I stay quiet, let him witter on, let him have sex then he goes to sleep?

  • #97683
     KIP. 
    Participant

    There’s absolutely no point in trying to make yourself heard. He’s simply not interested. I loved like that for too long. Round and round. He understands what he’s doing, he just doesn’t care that it’s hurting you. How long have you been unhappy and trying to be heard. They talk the talk but nothing changes. Put yourself first. My ex would wake me during the night raging or wake me really early when I was groggy and less able to resist whatever he wanted. Sex or an argument simply to make himself feel good at my expense. its a tactic and they know they’re doing it. Then he slept like a baby and I was awake for hours in shock. It really is no way to live in that kind of relationship.its exhausting and leaves no quality of life for you x

  • #97692
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Oh Catjam,

    I’ve just been daft enough to be sucked back in and I’m back to square one with the exact problem you are having!

    There really is nothing you can say or do that will ever be enough or right. Stay tough and don’t allow him to start manipulating you again, tying you in knots and leaving you feeling worthless.

    I’m starting to think I need ‘bxxch’ lessons.

  • #97695
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I know they make us feel like we are bitxxes because that’s how they control us when in fact we are simply stating that their behaviour is unacceptable or we are simply not happy. That’s not bitxxy. That’s how decent human beings communicate. Any decent human would listen and compromise and validate our feelings but an abuser will simply accuse us of something or make such a huge deal we are frightened to bring it up again. It’s all tactics. The bottom line is you’re not happy because of his abuse and you want out. He won’t change, there’s no point in discussion. Make plans without his knowledge for a safe exit x

  • #97708
     Catjam 
    Participant

    Thank you for your help. Xx

  • #97907
     Catjam 
    Participant

    Didn’t go quite how I expected. He has decided that because he hates being alone so do I but apparently I told him I wanted to spend more time with him! I nearly choked on my laughter. He even threw a third party in for good measure. But I am cold towards him, if he goes to show any affection I move away. He has to demand to hear me say ‘I love you’. Plus I am remembering wrong, we shared child care. The only time he wasn’t there was when he was working and he worked a lot. I need to start putting myself in his shoes for a change, see how it is from his side. How much he loves me, used to be 100% sure we would last but Now he is terrified I will walk away.
    Funny how they forget all the accusations of cheating, the countless weekends spent away doing his latest hobby.
    Anyway I let him rant and cry, I never said a word then after he got out of the shower I just quietly asked if he was ever in the wrong. He reacted with anger saying oh I guess I am in the wrong then. I repeated the question then walked away feeling a calm I haven’t felt in ages.
    I know I may crumble later but in my head I was ticking off all the things he was doing.
    Gaslighting, guilt making, projections and a couple more that I can’t recall. I haven’t slept much but I guess it’s small steps.

  • #97908
     Hetty 
    Participant

    Yes, I know where you’re coming from. My husband is going through the ranting then the pleading. I’ve had the lot. Mr understanding, shouting and threatening he’ll throw me out, mr I love you so much, mr this is your fault blah blah blah.
    Honestly I’ve given up having any kind of conversation with him. I too have had my own words twisted and turned on me. Their only agenda is power and control.
    My husband said he’d been crying and breaking down in front of his kids like I’d actually care. That’s how I am most weekends.
    They live in a different reality xx

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