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    • #134778
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Hope everyone is doing OK- I’ve actually this week actually told my husband exactly how I feel that i don’t want to have sex anymore and how i can’t tell him I love him…I wasn’t expecting to have this conversation so soon but he sent me a horrible message because I’d said no to sex the night before so I thought this is my one opportunity to fight back…he’s not happy and said I can’t split our family up threatened if we did he’s taken one of the children! The part I hate is I felt so close to feeling we were splitting up and now he’s sending me tons of links to marriage counselling and getting us closer together again…I feel like he’s going to win again I’ll get ground down and give in and everything I said will be for nothing:-( xx

    • #134780
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Tell him you’d like some individual counselling. If you’re already having that, say you’d like some more.

      He’ll probably be delighted by this as he’ll interpret this as you taking the blame and the responsibility. He’ll assume you’re working on yourself to become a better wife.

      Try to find yourself a counsellor who will help you escape this abusive relationship.

      Trying to make you feel bad about splitting up the family and then threatening to split it up even more by keeping one of the children is totally twisted and it is coercive control. Your children are people, not assets which he can split 50/50 as part of a divorce settlement.

      Please do not go to marriage counselling with him. He will pretend he’s learning and changing but he’ll just end up manipulating the counsellor into believing you’re the problem and he’ll use this to ramp up the FOG in you. xx

      • #134872
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Yes I would go with this approach or simmilar.

        At this point it is like a very dark game of chess.

        You will need to stay several steps ahead, I’m afraid.

        Please be careful as from what you have described you may feel strong now but it could get a lot nastier.

      • #137118
        Gazebo
        Participant

        It’s been a while since I’ve been on here but thi has are no better and I stupidly agreed to marriage counselling we started on (detail removed by moderator) and I hated it 🙁 giving us little projects to work on and typically he’s getting obsessed with it andnoushing to do it all when I really don’t want to. I feel sick tonight as he’s planning a date night indoors I’m actually dreading it and going to try and drink though it. The only plus to come out of all this since I told him how I felt is I’ve not had to have sex with him which is a big relief xx

      • #137119
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Hey @gazebo Ive been wondering how you are doing.
        This counselling can you maybe ask if you can have a session each alone so you can maybe talk to them and tell them how you are feeling? Maybe even send tbem an email or a letter just so they are aware do you feel able to do this?
        Have you been able to talk about his abuse to them? I cant imagine how hard this is for you bless your heart. I know it doesnt help but my god i hate date nights and have stopped planning nights out together which he moans about all the time but my skin crawls when he is near and I dread bedtime.
        Thinking of you sweetie im so sorry I have nothing of use to say. Hugs xxxx

    • #134781
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Also, please consider keeping a digital voice recorder on you and record all of your conversations from now on.

      You never know what he might say that woukd benefit you in the family court – if it comes to that!

    • #134784
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Stand firm sweetie youve been so brave to talk to him now hold on to that and stand your ground as hard as that may be.
      Tell him you want individual counselling first, tell him that you each need to work on yourselves before you can even consider working together, this nay bide you some time to get your eggs all in a basket.
      Then talk to womans aid who im sure can help you with advise on your rights with the children like eggshells say record and write down everything he says this will help you.
      Now you have started this conversation dont go back, remember that one moment of braveness that you found to talk to him hold on to that keep that with you at all times and keep moving foward with this. You have made a step towards freedom sweetie a huge well done now to keep stepping foward no looking back. Xxxxxx

    • #134810
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Thank you so much both its so hard as they completely put the guilt trip on, and suddenly he’s now trying to help out more oh I’ll put the kids to bed ill get up with them..its all a bitnyo late though and within 24 hrs of me saying he needed to back off with the messages I had 3 digging at me…..he’s (detail removed by moderator) I’m absolutely dreading it xx I have spoken with women’s aid and she is going to organise me some counselling so I can definitely use that to help me. Does anyone know how things work with tht house its joint mortgage but my money doesn’t cover the bills his do I couldn’t manage it on my own would we have to sell up….. xx

    • #134811
      Eggshells
      Participant

      He can buy you out or you can put it up for sale. In most abusive relationships, the abuser stays in the family home.

      If you want to sell, you’ll need to try and get him out of the house before it goes on the market as he will make it as hard to sell as he possibly can.

      I’m not sure about the mortgage. It’s probably best to contact your bank and disclose domestic abuse. I’m told that some banks have specific policies to deal with this these days.

    • #134814
      Gazebo
      Participant

      He’s so convinced we will sort things out….dreading my evening evening much as he’s going to be home 🙁 no way I can buy him out he could probably afford to keep thr house as he pays the bills now xx

    • #134816
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Go you, massive well done! In a similar situation where I’ve said it’s over and he’s acting like either he hates my guts or he’s trying with the kids and helping round the house, like you it’s too little too late but apparently we’re the bad guys. So glad you’re getting help x

      • #134826
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Exactly what mine is doing putting the kids to bed tonight can’t remember thr last time he did that and has brought drinks and nibbles but I feel tht same all to late xx how long have you been together/ when did you say it was over to him xx

      • #134969
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Not sure how much detail is allowed but just under (detail removed by Moderator) years. I told him on the last big fight if it happened again I was finished this time and less than (detail removed by Moderator) weeks later another episode happened, something in me just gave up/broke and I’d had enough. He keeps trying to act like nothings happened and I find myself thinking it’d be easier to just follow suit but then I remember and, well i feel like I’m stuck in a mental washing machine at mo 🤣 x

    • #134825
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Your bravery amazes me you are incredable time to believe in yourself xxxxx

      • #134827
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Thank you I feel guilty sometimes but then I think I’ve put up with this for so long I want to feel happy and I know inwont straight away but I can’t live like this forever xxxx

    • #134828
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      The guilt is his not yours he does this to you.
      You have amazed me at how much you have grown in strength and courage, you and your babies deserve so so much more sweetie.
      Your strength and bravery will see you through this just keep going keep reaching out and moving foward. You really have got this you can do this ibreally believe you can just believe in yourself. Sending you much love sweetie x*x

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