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    • #94246
      Lovetravel
      Participant

      I left my ex (detail removed by moderator) months ago and still haven’t figured out a way to move on.
      I have moved to a different city, started working in my dream job and finally have some independence however I still feel really messed up in the head.

      How do I cope with what the relationship has done to my mental health, I felt so uncomfortable when I tried counselling.

      Any suggestions would be gratefully received
      Thank you

    • #94247
      KIP.
      Participant

      For me it was education. Read Living with the Dominator and Healing From Hidden Abuse. Have you looked at the Freedom Programme through women’s aid? Maybe you weren’t ready for counselling or it was the wrong counsellor. But it’s important to talk about your feelings with somebody who understands. Mindfulness was also good for me to relax. The Body Keeps The Score is also a good book about trauma.

    • #94258
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Hi Lovetravel, what a gorgeous name 💕

      Well done on having left him, moved to a different city and gotten your dream job and your independence. This sounds fantastic to my ears and is your solid foundation to rebuilding your new life. I want to tell you that what you’ve reached so far is truly amazing, not everyone is able to do that, so be aware of your efforts and do cherish them.
      Now that you have sorted out every practical aspect of your life you need to catch up mentally and emotionally, understandably.
      We tell each other on here to take it step by step, that way you’ll be able to reach your next goal successfully.

      You can do lots of things to help yourself.
      Educating yourself about Domestic Abuse is indeed your absolute starting point. Understanding what happened to you in order to sort out your thoughts is very important. Here on this forum, on websites, youtube, books, there is a lot of information out there. Reading about the cycle of abuse, abusive power and control, trauma bonding…

      I want to tell you what you may already know but still want to make sure you do. Nothing, absolutely nothing you did contributed to the abuse. It was never ever your fault. You were and are a great lovely intelligent woman, who fell for an abusive man you thought was genuine. The abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. Always.

      Therapy is a good way to learn how to deal and fighting depression and anxiety. It helped me getting out of it, not staying into that dangerous black sucking hole, although I personally rarely talked about the abuse itself. It still helped me getting out and remaining above the surface, not drowning into my own thoughts and emotions. I don’t particularly enjoy therapy but still do recommend it because surviving abuse is that important 💪

      Learn about self care and learn redirecting the focus on placing yourself first in your life. What is self care and how does it translate to your own needs? Rediscover yourself. Place yourself first always.

      Learning about ‘personal boundaries’ to explore your own weaknesses and strengths, to protect yourself against future predators and staying safe and be able to stay yourself. It’s great info, check it out 👍

      Keeping in touch with other survivors, joining a peer support group such as here helps you feel less lonely, you feel connected to others and your faith in humanity restores slowly but surely, I find connecting to others keeps me sane plain and simple.

      Staying No Contact with your abusive ex (s) , perhaps the most important criteria of all, as without No Contact your thoughts are focused on his BS manipulations, hindering your recovery.

      Another very helpful tip when you do feel very low which helps immediately is to think of three things you are grateful for. Three things, right now this minute, today, to keep your mindset in a relatively positive frame of mind. Force yourself to do this exercise especially when you feel low. Multiple times a day. This won’t make you feel like heaven but it will prevent you from spiraling further down into dark thoughts and gets you through to the next day. Where you will feel better.

      So I think that’s it for now, lots of options as you can see.

      Take care and keep posting darling 💕

    • #94259
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Wow you’ve done brilliantly so far, holding down a job is not easy, I haven’t worked for a few years now. You’re on track, not only have you got a job it’s your dream job, and independence, a big part of healing is getting the life you want, in each and every aspect, so this is a great start isn’t it. So what’s next? How else would you like it to be? Work this out and take the steps towards making this happen. When we have the life we want we guard it with our life, meaning no one gets in unless we feel pretty sure it will be ok, and we know that if things start to smell a bit off we’ll act – as we have learnt to always respond to the self and be true to self at all times.

      I was thinking the same as KIP, it’s likely it was the wrong time or the wrong counsellor for you. Counselling can feel uncomfortable sometimes too though, especially in the beginning, we’re not there to drink tea and chat are we, we feel vulnerable and bare sometimes during the process, that’s why it’s important to find the right counsellor, someone relaxed who knows their stuff, who asks the right questions and gives us what we need – can hold us. Find someone you want to work with, is credible, then once you have been a few times you start to relax more and then feel more able to talk about why you are there, can take a bit of time finding the right one, see a few, so you have a comparison, by doing this you also start to narrow down what it is you are looking for. Find someone with experience in trauma and domestic abuse, the approach is not important, their experience and knowledge in these issues is.

      It needs to be someone you like and feel you want to work with – someone who gives you some of what you need right from the get go. Go to the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy website (BACP), there are some guides on there that tell you how to find the right therapist and what questions you need to ask. When you find the right one you even start to look forward to going eventually. With therapy comes self awareness and this arms us for life – and this is another important element in healing.

      Sounds like you’ve been focusing on moving forwards and the next but now feel a little stuck so therapy could help you with this. We all need a wide support network as well, so maybe this is something to develop if you’ve moved towns. It’s important we feel well supported as this helps us to feel safe, and we need to know who to ask when we need help or where to go or that we have the skills to find out who or where this is – we have a range of needs to meet so we need different people and services to assist with this – which can take a bit of time to build. Have you seen the Wheel of Life? Could Google it. Can help to identify which needs we are meeting and which we need to work on meeting.

      Perhaps you’re at a time in life now where you need to stop and reflect and process what happened, workout what it all means to you – overcome – adjust a bit more – work out how can I protect myself in the future – so that you can move forwards feeling confident about your choices and get the life you really want – feel peace and contentment x

    • #94262
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Definitely recommend educating yourself. I bought books like “Power” that I would have laughed at before this life. It was like reading my diary. Showed me my nightmare was not a unique experience unfortunately- it’s a known phenomenon of (detail removed by moderator). It really helped me understand that nothing I did or could have done would have meant a different outcome.

      I also joined yoga and meditation groups that before I would have thought was baloney. Anything out there to try and give myself headspace.

      You have a beautiful blank page to write a new story on so make it a good one.

      This time on year has been really tough but also so freeing. I have had time to grieve and finally do not give a d**n about the monster. You only have responsibility for you and what you do. Embrace it. Xx

    • #94264
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Coming on here and reading the posts everyday really helps me a lot to love on from my abuser ex and deal with the aftermath such as affects in the children and in my situation my housing and financial difficulties that he had created on purpose to get his thrill out of knowing the children and I will be worried and anxious about. This Forum really helps to minimize the damage on us and move on from this damage.

    • #94265
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Typo- to move on from

    • #94266
      Escapee
      Participant

      Hi Lovetravel

      I am at the exact same place as you…..I could have written your post. Practical stuff ticked, now the emotional stuff.

      I have read lots. Education does really help.

      As does therapy but like the others say, the right therapist is so important. And yes, it is d**n uncomfortable and not nice but a good therapist will only push you so far and it’s up to you how and what you talk about. Sometimes I go into the eoom smiling and think I’m ok but within 5 minutes I’m a wreck (we’re very good at hiding our feelings and being brave and strong…..therapy helps you let those brick walls drop for a while and be vulnerable and that is so important for the healing process).

      I am struggling with the letting go, I just think I’m starting to get there and then I’m back to holding on for dear life!

      And the isolation is hard too.

      Mindfulness has helped me too.

      And I can’t agree strongly enough about no contact. I haven’t achieved this and I can definitely tell the difference in my coping between not having spoken with him for a while and when were in contact.

      Good luck you amazing lady.

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