What do I say..

[clarityneeded]

I really want to leave now, I am totally fed up of constantly feeling ill, the tight chest, stomach pains, being on edge in my own home. I feel like Im putting my body under so much stress. I’m doing all the right things – advice off solicitor, reading on abuse, getting support from family, friends and local WA. Ive even got a counsellor for the last few months and I still cannot find the courage to leave.
Really need advice on how to tell husband its over, I am scared of his reaction and outburts but he is not physical.
Im ready to go but just do not know what to say.

[Watersprite]

Hi clarityneeded – it sounds to me like you are finding clarity yourself! Well done – you are making all the right and safe moves. Keep moving forwards- you will find the courage it’s a journey you are on x Even though he has not been physical he is abusive and leaving is the most dangerous time. Take advice from WA and trust your gut – your body is telling you. We had to flee it was v bad I left a note. Good luck you can do this when you are ready and go NO CONTACT after x PS in my experience they only get worse

[KIP.]

You don’t tell him anything. If you do he will manipulate you or hurt you. Get yourself out and safe and away from him and then if you want to you can message him. I know it sounds excessive but believe me too many women regret confronting an abuser with this. You will feel all sorts of emotions including guilt but the very first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave, all those feelings of dread and anxiety are warning signs, your gut is talking to you so listen. Get a safe exit plan in place and lean on women’s aid for advice and support. He’s not interested in your opinion. How you feel or what you want. I’m sure you’ve tried many times to talk to him but it’s impossible to talk to an abuser or negotiate with an abuser. Get yourself out and safe. Get all your ducks in a row financially too. Get all the important papers you need. Marriage certs birth certs bank statements etc.

[KIP.]

My husband was never really ‘physical’ (trapping me in rooms, throwing things, standing like a coiled spring raging in my face, hurting my dog) or so I thought but when I ended the relationship he was arrested for the violence that erupted in him. When they lose control of you, they lose control. Never underestimate these men. Two women per week are murdered by partners or ex partners in the UK. Stay safe x

[clarityneeded]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I just wish I was stronger to leave and did not feel so trapped. I know I need to leave but its especially hard now that he is playing nice and being the perfect dad. Ever since he knows Im thinking of leaving, he has altered his behaviour and all of a sudden is taking an interest in the children, he has never bothered for years. They really want his attention and now that they are having it, I feel they will hate me for breaking up the family. Everybody keeps saying the kids will see through his games, but I know how clever and manipulative he is and I can see it working allready.
I just do not know what to do anymore.

[Hetty]

I’m sad to say the ‘mr perfect’ routine won’t last. I’ve been round and round this cycle for years. They never change. Ask yourself what you really want out of life. It can take a long time to get to a place of ‘enough is enough’. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things for yourself. It’s a very hard thing to do – to wake up to what’s really going on and to stay there while you’re working things out in your own mind.

[seaglass]

@clarityneeded I recognise so much of what you have written, I know exactly what I need to do, I have no idea why I can’t actually do it. I hope you can get brave soon too x

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