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I don’t know if it really changes anything – but I’m starting to think he has some real problems. He’s been OK for a bit – but this last couple of days he’s been really weird – intense, and everything is terrible – and I think we’re going to have a bad time again. His job is changing but it is a good, well-paid job. But it’s never good enough – he’s done this before – whatever he’s doing isn’t enough. The GP told him in (detail removed by Moderator) he scored highly for depression and moderately for depression – but he’s done nothing about it.
I’ve talked to a solicitor and family services and they’ve all backed me up that the way he can be isn’t acceptable for me or the kids. But how do I deal with him if it is depression? When he’s harping on about perceived career problems – but I know he’s actually messing up his family life. He’s not going to listen.
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My ex also had depression and was later diagnosed with a personality disorder. However what I learnt after several years was that it is not acceptable to use the illness as an excuse for abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is a choice and there is always a degree of control. Does he abuse his colleagues at work? If he is well enough to work he must have a degree of being able to control himself and function in normal life.
I guess it is useful to acknowledge that there is a mental health problem there but it is his resonsibility not yours to get help and sort himself out. For so many years I was made to feel responsible for how my ex felt and I had to do everything for him and then it was still my fault when he abused me, because I hadn’t done a good enough job in caring for him.
You may choose to support him and give him a chance to overcome his problems but if you do just make sure you set some boundaries about what is and is not acceptable behaviour towards you and the kids, and keep yourselves safe.
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Thanks Go green light. Sorry you had something similar. You’re right that it’s only us that are ever the target of his moods. I don’t feel I can support him – I’ve tried to be there for a long time and it’s never got anywhere. Sometimes he has days where he’s going to sort himself out and I sit there listening to him going ON and ON – but it never comes to anything. I just feel like I’ll be blamed if I reject him/don’t stand by him if he does have mental health issues. But then if he doesn’t do anything about them, I can’t do much. He’s spent a lot of time in recent years on projects for himself – at first I was supportive but now I couldn’t care less. I’d rather he’d spent more time and effort on practical and emotional stuff with the family. And now I think it’s too late – but I don’t know if I dare make the break.
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it was the same for me, undoubtedly he has problems but it only ever me who bore the brunt of his problems, he functioned normally with everyone else,albeit with a short fuse, I was the only one called names and shoved around, he never sent his mates those vile texts, called his colleagues or parents those horrid names, he never said they were stupid…I asked him to leave because of this behavior, but I ‘abandoned’ him when he needed me the most and his mental health took a downward spiral….he still went to work every day, to the gym, football, pub but it was my fault….mental health isn’t an excuse for bad behavior…stress played a huge part no doubt.. please be careful and look after yourself xx be kind to you
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Mental health problems ..is no excuse for abuse
I have depression and anxiety but no way would I hurt a human being ..I feel my ex had huge problems due to mental health but I will not forgive him for abusing me
..he’s history now ..I happy I made the escape ..good riddance to the n**c -
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My Ex had crippling anxiety and Depression. I thought for years that I was not doing enough or being supportive enough. It took me a long time to see that his mental health is separate from his core beliefs. He believed women were weaker and less. So even if he had miraculously cured his Anxiety and depression, he would have still been abusive.
Also I can now clearly see the difference between him having a bad day with his anxiety and depression and his abusive behaviour. A bit of an extreme example would be, him asking me a million questions an hour in a demanding fashion about a certain problem? probably his anxiety. Him threatening me with violence because I didn’t want to do what he wanted? abusive behaivour.
My partner could not hide his anxiety or depression from anyone either. He got into trouble with work because of his behaviours. However, even then I could see he treated women differently to men. He had a serious issue with women in authority. So again, I think he just had issues with women and he claimed they didn’t understand his condition.
Its very hard to distinguish between the two sometimes but if you look carefully you will see some of his core beliefs come out and they are nothing to do with mental health.
Hope that makes sense!
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For me, I saw the underlying patterns emerge in the emotional abuse I was subjected to, which helped me to realise he was abusive even more than the fact that he was hitting me. He would go straight to particular strands of abuse if I was looking like winning an argument, the abuse for not cleaning properly depended entirely on his mood and were unrelated to how much tidying and effort I made. And he memorised things that I told him I was insecure about and saved them for months and then worked away on them to make me more insecure. All of these were abusive behaviour. Which I think he justified in his mind because he deserved ‘more’ from life – he didn’t have the grades he ‘deserved’ from university, he didn’t get the jobs or payrises he ‘deserved’ at work. And I never heard the end of it. Sure, he had mental health problems, but they didn’t cause his mindset, and they didn’t excuse his abuse. He tried to use them like that – the closest I got to an apology was ‘I am sorry my illness made me hit you’! It just so happens that at the moment all my best friends have mental health problems. None of them hit me. None of them even undermine my confidence. Depression doesn’t cause or justify abuse.
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He is so NORMAL at the moment. Does anyone know what I mean??
Apart from a really intense, self-obsessed evening last week, I can’t point to anything he’s done for a good month that would give anyone concern. He’s being fine with the kids and they’re relaxed and happy.
But he was horrible for months on end before Christmas – I know how he was then wasn’t right. I’M NOT CRAZY. He didn’t take any notice of anything I said then, didn’t care about the effect on his kids either. (It’s all verbal, nothing physical.) Then it stopped. Like in one row, he dismissed what I’d said completely, then the next day said (some of) the things I’d wanted him to say for months. Should be happy shouldn’t I? But I’m not. It’s all still about how he thinks it should be. He dismisses my points and concerns. I don’t know when his bad side will come out again. I can’t relax.
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Google the cycle of abuse. They seem to know when they’ve gone too far, then their behaviour changes to the honeymoon period and we think he’s changed but it never lasts. So the anxiety in us builds up, waiting for the day when he explodes again, then the honeymoon period and round and round we go. Inbetween that they are like Jeckly and Hyde, it’s harmful to your mental health walking on eggshells.
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