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So after many years of being single after the abuse I’m officially off the market.
This guy has taken allot of time out to get to know me to make sure I’m the person he wants to be with. We’ve talked about my past he knows everything (well most things I’d need years to go into it all) However, because of my many years, well whole life, of abuse I am “unique” as he puts it. But some of my uniqueness is good but allot is bad to him. The way I behave and react to things he does is wrong he points out exactly what iv done and why it’s wrong. This is not the bad stuff our abuser would point out it’s stuff like “why would you talk about yourself in such a bad way” or “why would you think that way” this is when I’m thinking about low self esteem stuff. Also though things in bed apparently it’s very noticeable iv been sexually abused although it’s only recently iv come to terms with this and iv not really spoken to him about it.On top of all this it’s upsetting him iv made him cry with the way I behave because it’s so lacking in self worth or riddled with anxiety and fear. He points my things out in a way that helps me see things about myself.
But but but…. this man is also very dominant but he’s been dominant in a caring way. He hates distractions like TVs etc and prefers to actually spend time with the person he’s with and talk. He’s also a follow alongside me and live life the way I do although the way he lives is very different and he doesn’t allow people to walk all over him.
So what I ask is what do you think reading the situation from the outside? Should I be on guard?
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Dear bubbles, a few things struck me about your post. First of all, you said he has decided he has got to know you & that he wants to be with you. What about you getting to know him & deciding you like Him? This reminds me of myself, in the past when dating my primary concern has always been if they like me, not what i see in them.this man reminds me of my ex. My ex was the dominant one of the two of us, our time together was spent having ‘deep conversations’always about me, my fears,insecurities & issues with us.never ever did he disclose anything about himself,to this day I don’t feel that I know who I was with.I believed these chats were an abusive technique carefully designed to access my inner psychological fears & life ,to then use the information to his advantage. I can see red flags with this man, I feel it would help you to distance yourself a bit.
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It all seems to be what he wants and how he wants and how you have to change to meet his needs or his idea of you.
What about you, did you get a chance to find out who you were before this relationship at all?What happens if you disagree? How does he behave if you point out any flaws in him, or he is wrong?
Do you want the type of relationship where he is dominate and you are submissive?
I get the riddled with anxiety, I get the needing to change the script and I get the loved one trying to help.
He is not your therapist and shouldn’t try to be one.
How does he behave with others? Is he the same or different with you.
You are posting on here for a reason. Maybe you need to listen to your senses.
What would you tell a friend if you this was her relationship? Stay or Run?
If you left would you be stronger than you were before the relationship started or weaker? Would you be able to go it alone without him?
I have had to relearn a lot of things including boundaries. My other half has helped with that but as I have learnt those boundaries also include him and his behavour which I challenge.
The good thing about my un-abusive relationship is we can disagree, we BOTH are changing to allow room for each other. We are NOT losing our identities or sense of self, BOTH of us are growing stronger together and apart.
That to me is the difference, I have a voice, I had an idea of who I was before we met, he has helped me in places I struggle with, normally when I ask. He has encouraged me to talk to my friends rather than the isolation I was used to.
I am stronger than when we met, my head is calmer, my smile is happier, but the biggy for me is if we split up and why I would hurt I would be left intact and a with the knowledge I this was a good and positive relationship to have been in.
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Hi Bubbles
Something is not quite right about this relationship that you are in. I can only give you my opinion from my perspective.
I’ve been dating a man for over a year. I still haven’t told him about the abuse and my mental health. It sounds like this man is now fully aware of your vulnerabilities.
Trust me the word “unique” gives me the chills. Then he’s pointing out what you do as bad or as good. That makes me shiver and is the complete opposite of what I have learnt in psychotherapy. Then that he says things are obvious in the bedroom.
Is he a blooming psychiatrist? he can’t “help” you with your difficult thoughts and behaviours. More like helping you to come around to his way of thinking. You made him cry? What is he a 5 year old? In my head I’m thinking about crocodile tears. My abuser was really good at turning on the water works. If this man is bursting into tears when you don’t do what he wants I suggest that he has emotional problems that he needs to go see a psychologist for and not project this onto you.
Dominance and caring are two things that don’t go together.
Tell me since you have told this man everything about you, Where are your boundaries in this relationship? What are you doing to protect yourself. Has he gotten into your head, heart, soul, mind, body, home, life, children? Consumed you so that there is nothing left of Bubbles.
Of course all this is my speculation. Maybe you have boundaries. Like maybe he doesn’t have access to your children. Maybe you only see him once a week. Maybe you don’t spend hours a day talking to him.
Are you just with him because he is the first man to come along who you know went through a difficult time also and has as you say taken the time to extract all information about you?
You sound stressed about it. Relationships shouldn’t be stressful. Seems more demanding than you can cope with right now.
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I think only you can tell if he is delving into your inner psyche in an intrusive way with the possible motive for using your fears against you or if it is that he genuinely adores you and wants you to see all the wonderful qualities he sees in you
Does he share such deep and personal things about himself? If it is all about you and not him then I’d worry that he might be stockpiling your issues for later use against you.
On one hand he could be crying because he actually feels so bad that you’ve been treated so badly, on the other hand it could be an emotional manipulation to gain your trust
You say he doesn’t allow people to walk over him, how so? Little signs can be a clue. Is he rude or dismissive or aggressive to waitresses or shop staff, other family members or friends. How does he respond to different people and different situations. How does he react to stress, confrontation, criticism.
Only you will know. A lot of us are super guarded and defensive because of how we have been treated, but maybe he is a genuinely loving man who cares for you. We can’t tell you that. You need to observe things and weigh it up. Keep posting though, because you typing it out can sometimes be enough for you to read back and find your own answers, or there might be red flags we recognise.
Keep a little bit of yourself back for yourself. Don’t be an open book. That also raises the question, are you always talking about you and your issues? It sounds intense. Do you have fun, carefree times and chat about other stuff too. Does he laugh, at himself, at a joke, at life in general?
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Hello ladies
Thank you for your time and responses.
I met this guy some time ago and I kinda thought “your abusive” I went to go s e him as he was a friend in need at the time and I was helping him through his personal issues. He does talk about himself allot and his past but until we started seeing each other regularly did he start discussing deep personal things. I barely knew a thing about him or his personal life beforehand!
Mainly I asked this because I cannot and will not waste any more of my time on an abusive relationship and since there were so many strange things about this guy he peaked my worries.
See it’s how an abusive relationship is in the way of if he actually turns out to be the guy I think he is, now, in the beginning this could turn out to be a very rewarding relation ship. Which is what you could say about an abuser.
It’s a very scary concept for someone like me as you’ll all understand to get involved with someone again I always swore I never would after what happened. I needed a perspective from other survivors.
My best friend doesn’t dislike him just says she want to set me up with a good guy one that is more stable in life and says I can do much better.
I think I need to back off and get to know him specially after hearing what you all have to say.
Thank you x
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It’s difficult isn’t it? What we think of as our new love interest treating us wonderfully and spoiling us, we now know is what they call love bombing. When we think our new fella is taking an interest in us and wants to know all about us, we now know is how the abuser Sussex out our weaknesses to later use against us
But how do you tell the difference between the abusers tactics and a genuine guy who might have actually just fallen for you? I can’t imagine trusting any guy ever, that’s bad I know but like I said, how do you tell the difference, and what if you suss it out too late?!
Do you worry that by protecting yourself from future potential abuse, you might at some level be pushing away someone who is genuine?
Me, I’m struggling to actually believe there’s a nice, genuine and selfless bloke alive. Clearly I need to adjust my thinking and avoid men until I work through my issues!
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One thing which stood out to me, Bubbles ( and maybe it’s because my ex did this too) was him not wanting the TV on because he wants you to talk to him.
Now, it might just be that he doesn’t like noise in the background, but someone not allowing someone else normal, relaxing distractions and wanting them to focus wholly on them worries me.
I was oblivious to it until he later said things to indicate it, but it seems my ex was passive-aggressively seething with rage that I used to date to sit and watch a TV programme or / God forbid- read a paper in his presence. I realise now that he expected 100% attention and worship, all the time.
But that is exhausting for anyone, too intense and demanding.
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Yes serenity, there’s that word again… intense. Is that one of the red flags we should be on the lookout for?
How interesting about the tv issue, thinking back my ex always had to have the tv on but only on his stuff. Anything I wanted to watch i.e. Documentaries, were rubbish or boring, and he’d pick and pick until I used to just say to him fine turn it over. He’d moan about my love of reading as I was ” obsessed” and didn’t give him any attention
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Bubbles, when you first met him ‘you kinda thought “you’re abusive”‘ I think that’s all you need to know. That was your gut instinct talking to you loud and clear. Don’t ignore that even if you don’t feel you have enough ‘evidence’ yet of why you felt that way. My guess is you’re likely to find out one day. Please be careful xx
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I ended it last night. I went away for the weekend i drank and went to the casino he asked me how my weekend was and what did i do? I told him and now I have a drinking problem and a gambling problem according to him then when i said “look i was having a weekend away” he went all “you’re an adult you don’t need to explain yourself to me” so iv told him it’s done!
Yes i do worry i will push away any good guy “just in case of abuse” I’v kinda come to terms with the fact i am me and solely ME never to be a we again because i just don’t have the energy to put into another relationship! There will always be a red flag that will pop up with any guy to me.
This man was different to any other he thought more like a woman analysed and tried to figure people out every conversation would be later scrutinized and picked to pieces when he was alone. I know this because I’v seen him do this with other people not to throw it back at them as an insult but to analyse the situation. This is exactly what he was doing with my “what happened today stories” and I guess i put his weirdness down to this.
The guy was apparently “reformed” an ex heroine addict and spent allot of his life in prison but was supposed to now be making a real go at life although the reason i met up with him was because he was in bad shape physically because he’d (Detail removed by Moderator) (apparently after taking no drugs) but then he never really admitted what happened i’v just had to put the pieces together.
Thankyou ladies x
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Hi Bubbles.
I think it was for the best.
This is a typical mind f**k thing to do.
1. Ask you a question.
2. When you honestly answer it, criticize you for telling the truth and then gaslight you as to the “problem” although a rational reasonable wise person would see no evidence of said “problem”. My ex’s favourite was that i needed to be put in a straight jacket and locked up because I was a psycho because I had mental health problems. All doctors and evidence to the contrary but no he was the expert…yeah right.
3. When you stand up for yourself and be assertive due to the said criticism, make out that you are being “sensitive” “defensive””aggressive”.
4. Thereby guilt tripping you and kerfuffle your mind and it’s all your fault.Being an addict means that you know how to bend, manipulate and twist the truth and even lie outright to yourself and others. Even when you stop the substance abuse, the neuro pathways in your brain are still there for this kind of thinking.
You should have said thank you for your suggestion but as an independent adult I am allowed to feel like I need to explain/express myself if I want and I don’t need you to tell me what I should and should not do.
I would say that mentally he is not quite there. This isn’t a bad thing but it can be taken out on others. (Detail removed by Moderator) is not a good sign drugs or no drugs. If I thought about (Detail removed by Moderator) right now I would be straight for my sedatives and if they didn’t work, on the phone to the mental health crisis team or 101 or the ambulance and I would know that something has gone seriously wrong with my mental health. When I’m stable and functioning normally I do not think about such things or never mind actually do them.
Well done you for ending it. You don’t have to jump into a relationship. In fact I don’t recommend it. I recommend slowly dating a few different guys. I’m not saying you have to have sex with them. I’m saying getting use to having neutral not personal topics of conversation. laughing, not having any obligations and not having to worry if they don’t call the next day. Also from my perspective, it’s nice for me to dress up and feel like I’m attractive enough in looks and personality that another person would want to spend a few hours chatting to me over a meal or sat next to me in theatre play or stand next to me in a museum or walk next to me along a river. And because you have the experience of different guys you can contrast and compare. This has been my experience. So when people try to give me the excuse of “men are like that” I can say I have met men who are not like that. It helps your self esteem and also your interpersonal and social skills. I work with men and I didn’t want to become really negatively skewed towards them so I had and have to find a way to talk to them and know which behavior is acceptable and which is not.
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PS. I don’t have the energy for another relationship either! I can barely look after myself and fix my leaking washing machine! Lol! I have enough energy for 1-3 dates with different men a week and definitely not long conversations over the phone or by text or email. I can barely remember when I get paid!
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Iv done the dating thing i just cannot allow myself to have feelings anymore it’s a natural thing in me. This guy wasn’t supposed to be anything but the way he waited about to find out who i was the more i let myself feel for him! it was not good. It’s been a few years single now i’m not lonely i’m not bored infact im still enjoying being free from the abusive ex! i don’t know if i’ll ever get over being able to be so free as i was so restricted with him. and i certainly will never move anyone in my home ever again unless they have proven themselves to be very special.
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