What do you think to the new WA video?

[Eggshells]

Morning ladies

I’ve just watched the new video from Women’s Aid. It is on the home page.

My initial thought that I was really disappointed by it.

It starts with a women being beaten up by her husband, then shows him shouting at her. Then it shows them dancing at an event (possibly a wedding anniversary) as the perfect couple. Then it shows her being beaten up again, presumably during sex before it finally shows her running away over the hills with her face covered in blood.

Isn’t this the stereotype of classic abuse that most people already harbour? I’m not sure how further entrenching these view will help anyone to understand that type of abuse that most ladies on here suffer which is the hidden, psychological abuse.

I am concerned that any new ladies approaching the site will look at the video and decide that they are not being abused. There is a link below the video that you can click on which talks about coercion as the first bullet point but if you’ve just watched the video, you could so easily think that coercion is about the fear of violence and I don’t think it is.

I’m also concerned that this image of domestic abuse will further entrench the views of those who have never come across real abuse and leave is even less well understood than we were before.

I think it does a real dis-service to all those women suffering from phycological, emotional and sexual abuse that is not violent. Do those women continue to go unheard and sidelined?

Am I being an ungrateful grouch?

[gettingtired]

I completely agree with you and thought exactly the same. X

[gettingtired]

I think part of the reason I have stayed for so long without knowing it was abuse is because I probably had a stereotype of the classic ‘wife b**ter man. I also knew very little about emotional or psychological abuse. I just assumed it was men who outright tell you that you can’t speak to someone or can’t go somewhere. Little did I realise that it has been happening to me over the years just very covertly. For example, him using guilt and putting himself in the victim role. He exploded once when he found out one of the people I was with was a male friend of mine years ago when we first got together. Although he was back to normal after and even making suggestions for me to meet up with that group of people, that incident alone was enough to make me think twice about seeing them and I haven’t since. I’ve always made excuses when really it’s out of fear of his reaction.
Also, this may sound silly but because he has never outright p*nched me in the face, I’ve always minimised the physical abuse. Or felt like I’m just as bad as I’ve lashed out at him back. He also looks down his nose at violent men who fight so that’s probably made me think he’s separate from that type of person.
Abuse is so much more than physical (not to undermine it) and Women’s aid really could have done better! Disappointed.

[Eggshells]

I forgot to mention the scene where he is spying on her through a CCTV camera whilst she’s curled up and crying on her bed. He is also crying – presumably from remorse? Where did that come from? In my experience men only show remorse when you threaten to leave and as soon as they realise you are going anyway, the remorse vanishes like a magicians hanky and turns to denial, entitlement and victim blaming.

These men don’t just accidentally lose control of their temper and start hitting. It is calculated; they know exactly what they are doing. They may gloat at their success in humbling their victim but I doubt very much that they have a little cry to themselves.

I really hope that they take this video down.

[iliketea]

Yep! Same, only turned on the crocodile tears when he thought it was all over and he wouldnt get his supply anymore.

[Anonymous]

This is a complete disaster of an exercise for Women’s Aid. I couldn’t be more disappointed. Eggshells, was about to mention the crying, my feelings are exactly the same regarding that section. Literally, words fail me, I don’t know how to describe how angry I am with it… To someone who doesn’t know about the nuances of abuse, this gives, in my view, some wrong impressions. I’m NOT dismissing physical abuse in any way but the psychological and emotional sides are the ones that need to be made visible, there is SO much confusion, even amongst so-called “professionals”, regarding those sides. I’ll repeat the word again – disappointed.

[iliketea]

Thought the same, really depressed me to see that type of portrayal AGAIN. Just reinforces all the stereotypes and gives more power to the crazy psychological, verbal, emotional abusers who I am really really beginning to think should be locked up or something as they are the real threat to society. <<<—- sorry about the rant, am having a BAD week and day since ex has reared his ugly psycho head again and started back on it all. What do you have to do to get them truly out of your life if you have children? Im totally no contact but still he carries on? Are they mad these men? Why didnt they make a video about that, the crazy making, the change of character/persona in public and private…the subtle psycho stuff, that gnaws away at your confidence and sanity.

[earlyfrog]

I also agree, I was very disappointed. It only reinforces stereotypical ideas of domestic abuse.

[Pinkypanther]

its really hard for women or it was for me to even realise i was suffering abuse because it was not physical it was all mental and emotional, it started small and got more and more over time it was so gradual that I didnt even know what was happeing, I just thought that I had annoyed him done things wrong that i didnt even realise where wrong. That i had to do certain things dress a certain way to please him because that’s what you do in a relationship, he was my first proper serious relationship I was only (detail removed by Moderator) when we got together so I didnt know. If there was physical abuse aswell maybe I would have realise before all this mess happened. I thought i had mental health issues but it turns out the only thing wrong with my mental health was him.
I think alot of people still only see domestic abuse as the violence if there is no bruises then nothing is happening. So many people still seem to be blind to the emotional and mental abuse, they know it happens but if it isnt alongside physical abuse they dont see it, if that makes sense xx

[Anonymous]

I haven’t seen the video but I certainly don’t want to now after all I’ve read. How has this happened? I think it was brave if you to start this thread Eggshells and say exactly what you thought.

[Lottieblue]

Can we start a new thread, which is petition style? So the OP writes that we feel the video is inappropriate and urge women’s aid to reconsider, for these reasons…
And then those of us who agree just literally write “I support this” or “i agree” or something and keep it at the top of the current topic list?

I couldn’t agree more. It took an aggressive verbal (but terrifying) incident for me to join the dots and realise that SO much of his behaviour had been wrong… while I had been blaming myself all the time. That’s the problem, isn’t it, they get us to blame ourselves. So we just don’t realise.

[Eggshells]

They certainly do. I think for so many ladies the violence isn’t there as a clue and the abuse creeps in so subtly it is really hard to spot. And without bruises, it’s hard gor others to believe there is abuse, especially when the abusers put on such a perfect public front.

“Sleeping with the Enemy” shows it really well in the opening scenes so it can be shown on video. I honestly think that it’s the hidden abuse that people need educating about.

[Same-again]

Hello Ladies,

Just wanted to add my thoughts. Mine was the full spectrum abuse wise (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial) and I’m afraid I do have to agree you with you that the video does rather feed into the stereotype of what people think abuse looks like.

I think it’s just too simplistic and doesn’t really tackle the hidden abuse which I for one think is the most damaging. It’s their desire to destroy you with maliciousness and conniving. I often think of mine as a modern day Rumpelstiltskin, dancing round his fire with an evilness I cannot comprehend.

Mine also did the crocodile tears and very effectively. The whole neighbourhood thinks it’s little old me who’s ‘crazy’. Good old victim blaming – love it.

I think the video is well intentioned, I watched an interview of Mel B. discussing it and I think she’d be gutted by our comments.

I think perhaps we could petition for a further video to tackle some of the issues raised. The police always say “so you were arguing” and the last time they said that I tried again to correct them. An argument involves two people, in the end it was just a one man rant of verbal aggression and vile, vile words (criticism, put downs, ridiculous accusations). How is that an argument? The only unpleasant thing I said mostly was “get out” which started as “please leave” and became the former after the 10th request and being raged at.

My rant over – wishing you all a lovely Sunday or at least a peaceful one.

[Eggshells]

Hi all,

I’m not really sure I’d feel comfortable with a petition but I will see if I can write to Women’s Aid and ask them to take a look at the comments to see if they can come up with donething a little less stereotypical.

I didn’t know Mel B had suffered abuse until I saw this story and looked it up so it is drawing attention to the problem. I think that the stereotype already has a lot of attention though.

Honestly, I think that Mel B is a beautiful, brave and talented women. She has the ability to tell a story of abuse that is not so similar to her own story. I think that she could really effectively tell a story of hidden abuse that really gets people thinking and engaging.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I agree with the disappointment about this video. I was really hoping for something reflecting the growing awareness of coercive control and psychological abuse. Maybe it is harder to display on screen whilst the image of physical injuries has more impact? I think women who suffer emotional, psychological abuse and coercive control struggle to find validation from themselves or others, so reinforcing a stereotype is a backwards step. Well intentioned and hard hitting though.
BTW baffled by the tears. In my experience, entitlement not remorse. The only tears would be for himself.

[ISOPeace]

I thought the same when I saw it. Yes it highlights the general issue of abuse, but in a way that perpetuates the stereotype of the woman being too scared to leave just because of violence and that abuse is overtly violent/aggressive behaviour. I suppose the fact that they have a big house etc challenges the stereotype slightly.

I read something about the video and it said it’s trying to show how victims put on a brave face in public. While I can see that in the video, I don’t know that I’d get it if I didn’t already know that’s what victims do. If I did get it, I’d assume it was all about shame. I would have no idea about the trauma bonding, manipulation and brainwashing.

I think it would definitely be a lot harder to show coercive control and psychological abuse in a short video in an engaging way. But I’m sure it’s possible.

I wonder whether Women’s Aid thinks that awareness of abuse is so poor that they needed to start this low. That in itself would be very depressing.

[Lisa]

Dear all,

We have been reading your comments and are listening. Our Patron Melanie Brown worked on this project with the composer, and based the content on both experiences of what other women had told her about, and her own experiences. Melanie is a survivor herself, and wanted to reflect this, and both the physical and emotional/coercive forms of abuse. It is a music video rather than awareness film, and within this format there were limitations to what could be shown. Over the coming month, we will be releasing more video content, showing a range of abuse. Please keep giving us feedback and we will try our very best to reflect this in our communications.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[KIP.]

Just watched it. Absolutely dreadful. Triggered me so I couldn’t watch it all but so far from what most of us experience. Get beaten up to arty piano music?
Bring back Kiera Knightly. Her video was great.(detail removed by moderator)

[ISOPeace]

It’s interesting that the video was created using experiences of other women, but everyone on this thread is disappointed by the video. Is there anyone on this forum who thinks it was good? Please share if you do, it would be good to hear another perspective.

I think I’ll show it to some non-survivors and see what they take from it. xxxx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Here are my thoughts about this so-called awareness video.
I am appalled and furious WA chose a physical violence example to portray Domestic Abuse!! Such a waste of resources and quite insulting to the intelligence of everyone concerned by DA, from the Survivors themselves to DA charities, Police force, Courts, Law makers, GP’s, psychologists, general public etc…
I have hardly any words other than seriously? should I expect the support line to ask “has he hit you? No? I’m going to hang up then, I have more serious cases than yours to deal with.”
I thought the whole point of raising Domestic Abuse awareness was to educate everyone of the insidiousness of the abuse, of the constant oppression, of the accumulating incidents which in isolation don’t make sense to anyone, least of all to ourselves. It is the pattern and the accumulation over time of subtle hidden forms of psychological, financial, verbal, sexual abuse in the context of power imbalance which is draining us into involuntary submission.

Surviving on constant high alert, on flight, fight and freeze mode shuts down all rational thoughts, hindering us to think straight, to have a chance to make sense of the gaslighting, the love/cruel cycle, the core reason he does it (power and control). Walking through an utter FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt – and trauma bonded tying us to him longer than we actually wish…
All the anxiety, stress, depression his abuse causes us, leaving us depleted of essential positive brain chemicals (Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, Endorphins) affecting our long term memory, our motivation, our social wellbeing, our health, our happiness. No possible outlet to release stress and anxiety or to simply relax, breathe and let go for a minute due to constant walking on eggshells which over time creates psychosomatic symptoms, panic attacks etc…
And that is all happening during AND after the relationship.

WA is usually always spot on and very innovative but unfortunately completely missed the mark here. I won’t share this video with non survivors as I am very ashamed of the stereotype it portrays, one from which we are trying so desperately to distance ourselves from and instead rather shine a light on the invisible forms of DA which dearly need to be articulated and validated.

You can create so many different types of awareness videos, e.g. from a GP’s perspective (medical and biological), from a lawyer’s perspective (using the new Domestic Abuse Act and Coercive Control law), from Police perspective etc…
I also absolutely wish to see an empowerment message at the end of such an awareness video.
E.g. In this video, by selecting a physical violence example, you could have ended it
by utilising the new Domestic Abuse Act showcasing the new powers of the Police by serving the perpetrator a Domestic Abuse Protection Notices to protect the victim/survivor.

[Lottieblue]

Brilliantly written @HLJ. X

[gettingtired]

I agree that this is written brilliantly.
I did actually call a local domestic abuse service last year and when I told them about the physical abuse (no punches or being beaten up but bruises from being restrained etc) I was asked how long ago that had happened. When I told them it was probably around (detail removed by moderator) ago I was told sorry that’s too long for us to help?!! I was told they are for women escaping high risk violence, I was even told he may need anger management. It took me months to build up the courage to reach out again after that x

[Anonymous]

gettingtired, I think a few of us have had that experience. There is only 1 DA service in my county/area. When I rang them before the pandemic they were only interested in 2 questions – has he hit you and is he in the house. When the answer was no, then they just said lock your door and can’t help you. It didn’t matter how dangerous he was, how much control he had or how serious his behaviour. Talking Therapies were appalled and did a second professional referral pointing out the high risk. I never heard anything in response and I ended up letting him back in, so prolonging everything. It is v depressing.
Sorry this appears a bit off point, but I think the point is the over emphasis on violence (I accept violence incredibly serious but the spectrum of DA is wider than that). Most domestic homicides occur in situations where there has been severe coercive control which is the biggest predictor of escalating future harm.

[ISOPeace]

@marmot, your point about coercive control being the biggest predictor of domestic homicide is such a good one. I think I heard about it in a promo for the Jane Monckton book In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder. I think I’ll read that book now it’s been released 😊

I’ve also read that it is very rare for violence to occur in relationships without coercive control and by the time the violence occurs, there will have been a deeply trodden pattern of controlling behaviour. It is so disappointing that the video doesn’t get across that control is the issue that underlies everything else.

I’d love to know that the video is trying to get across where you see him cry. As well as all things raised in the comments on here, for me it raises the (f-ed up) “romantic” idea of a crime of passion i.e. that you can love someone so much that you kill them/hurt them. “He loved her so much, he couldn’t control himself”. It makes me want to vomit. It’s not love, it’s obsession and IT’S ABUSE!!!!

[Eggshells]

Hi again

Well, I’ve been in touch with Women’s Aid and they have replied.

Both replies said that they are listening. Unfortunately, the replies did not reflect that we are being listened to or understood. They explained and justified the music video but at no point did they say what they had understood about our concerns. They certainly aren’t going to alter the video with it’s confusing messages or disassociate themselves from the video.

I’ve met my fair share of professionals who have read all the books, taken all the courses and passed all the exams and still fail to show that they understand the women that they work with. I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect to encounter this from Women’s Aid. They just keep saying that these are the experiences of real women. I wonder how many. There are alot of women desperately trying to communicate hat they are very unhappy about this video. I don’t feel listened to, I feel fobbed off!

[KIP.]

I’ve been reading the comments at the bottom of online news articles and they’re not very sympathetic. I think WA have misjudged it this time. But it’s just a small part of an otherwise wonderful organisation. Us survivors will just need to keep on educating others when we are able x

[Eggshells]

Feedback from my non-survivor friends so far:

It glamourises it.

It’s all about the violence. There’s none of the other stuff in there.

Did she change dress? I thought he was angry about his suit.

A very confused message (I agree, I’m certainly confused!)

And one more that’s unprintable.

[ISOPeace]

I just saw a bit of an interview (detail removed by Moderator) in making the video. She said she thought it does show the controlling side of abuse. When she said that the clip showed the husband taking clothes out of (detail removed by Moderator) wardrobe. I wonder if anyone else thought that showed control. He just looked generally angry to me, which I think misses that a lot of the coercion is done in a way that isn’t overtly aggressive.

I also looked at the YouTube comments on the video and they were overwhelmingly positive. I mean, people were talking about it breaking the internet and how important it is to share it. Some of these described their own experiences of abuse. So, what are we missing here? There must be a reason we all think the same, whereas so many others don’t, including survivors. We might learn something really important about perceptions of abuse if we can figure this out….. (full disclosure: I can get a bit obsessed with figuring things out! 😁).

Maybe the difference is really understanding the controlling side of abuse? I know people who have experienced abuse but didn’t really understand the controlling/manipulating element until I explained it. Maybe when you really understand how subtly and insidiously it creeps up and what a fundamental role it plays in abuse, the video just misses the mark. Whereas if you have a more vague awareness that control is involved and see it as a type of abuse that may or may not be present, the video seems much better? xxxx

[HunkyDory]

Agree with all of you. Dreadful portrayal of domestic abuse. The abuse I suffered was mainly physical but also financial and emotional. coercive control and isolation also played a big part and I see none of the hidden abuse tactics being portrayed in this video.

I admire (detail removed by Moderator) courage in speaking out, but the video is totally giving the wrong message about abuse. X

[Eyesopening]

I agree, I don’t think we need any more awareness about physical abuse at all

[Eggshells]

I think there could be a few things that have made the video so popular on YouTube.

The most worrying is that people are buying into this idea that domestic abuse is all about the violence and that is one of the real problems with this video, it reinforces that idea so that the majority of people will continue to misunderstand abuse and abuse survivors.

People also seem to love a good celebrity scandal and even better if there is a hero or heroine to get behind.

If someone is sympathetic but has no idea about abuse, I can see why they’d get on board with this and let’s be honest, if anyone really hates the video, are they really going to be brave enough to say so on a YouTube feed? Wouldn’t that open them up to all sorts of accusations and trolling?

Don’t forget that this video features a well loved celebrity who has a dedicated, global following of millions. That alone could explain the popularity of the video.

[Wants To Help]

I have read this thread with interest and watched the video, and here’s my thoughts on it…

This doesn’t reflect my experiences of domestic abuse exactly, but some elements do. All of our experiences are unique to us, yet all have similarities. I believe (detail removed by Moderator) would not have taken part in this production if she didn’t agree with it, and maybe she feels this video reflects her experience?

I’ve seen the hidden meanings and can relate to them…

The horrors and unhappiness at home, but putting on the ‘perfect couple’ display when out socially, the admiring looks from others who think your life is perfect.

The piano music, to me, is the peace that hides the reality. If you first experienced the video with your eyes closed, you’d have no idea what the images were showing, so this portrays the harmony we can show to the outside world whilst covering up the brutal reality of what is going on underneath the facade. How many of us don’t really want our family, our friends, our colleagues knowing the truth? We often do our best to hide it.

The ending is what I found most poignant. To me, this wasn’t just about a rich woman running from an expensive house in the country, it was the stark reality of a moment that you can make your escape from the relationship, only to find there’s nowhere to go to, no one around to help you and how much you are on your own, isolated and in despair. Not just physically, but metaphorically.

I think this film has many hidden depths.

[Emptybutfree]

I’ve just watched the video. That hurt.
When he was chasing her, I could relate to so much of it.. but I understand how others might not. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the permanent scars left on the soul are much harder to heal than the scars on the skin. Some people have a good support network, others don’t. At least we have each other. Sending lots of love x*x

[Author]

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