What does it mean when you start feeling anger?

[Flyflyaway]

I went to the gym today and was looking how everyone was so healthy,happy and how they didnt look tired. Then i looked at myself and thought f**k me what has happened to you, grey hair coming through, black eye bags, veins popping out from my eyes, my face looks drained like ive been sucked out of life, and ive got wrinkles which people in my youngish age group dont have. My body has got fat with stretch marks every where. It hit me so hard because a few years a go i was confident in my skin and felt i looked beautiful and didnt care what a man thought about how i looked. Now i fear no man will ever find me attractive again, i dont get eyed up anymore. I dont even recognise myself!

Then to think ive lost my money, job, health, friends, future dreams, personality, the very person i once was and for what! A man that couldnt give two s***s about me, uses me for everything he can get. Weve had a few good times in the past together but was this worth it! Im also mad how he could intimadate a women (me) when he knows i have a anxiety disorder and he knows and plays on the fact that il do anything to keep the peace, to try and keep my illness at bay (The lion and the gazelle) and how messed up my childhood was (detail removed by moderator) thinking about it makes me feel physically sick, how he can treat me so badly. Ive lost everything and hes gained everything.

All this time ive been living on false hope and fake promises that things will change but i know after the 100th time it wont!

Iam now waiting for him to f**k up as i have nothing else to lose. im getting mentally stronger every day even if it doesnt sound it.

[Flyflyaway]

I told my dad the other day the ins and outs and he confirmed its abuse with out me questioning it to him, which helped me mentally clarify it.

Hes also being very supportive but doesnt understand why i havent just left, why would i put up with my partners ill treatment towards me. Anxiety and fear of him is the answer.

I am also seeing (detail removed by moderator) tomorrow for further help and support hopefully

[Hetty]

Sadly these men can sniff out vulnerability and they latch on. I’m estranged from my parents and have no real support. Despite this I’ve done well in my career and providing for my son. My husband knows all too well of my struggles and he uses them against me. If he offers any bits of help/support I’m made to pay and he’ll tell me it’s not his fault my family care c**p. He has no problem seeing me struggle on as long as I’m tending to his needs it keeps the status quo then when I do something to displease him I get the screaming and ranting.
I’m pleased you’re getting stronger. Make plans while you’re feeling this way. Don’t let him know how you want to move forward until you have a clear exit strategy. Be prepared for the mr nice, sob stories or fear and intimidation xx

[Lisa]

Hi there Flyflyaway, it is really positive to hear that you are feeling mentally stronger every day and that you are reaching out for the support you deserve through a local domestic abuse service.

Do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Ziggy1]

I am new to this forum but I am with you all. My l life is hell. I am angry all day every day. I live with my 91 year old mother and see my so called partner every day. Hes rude critical foul mouthed and bad tempered. 35 years. What is wrong with me. 65 and no pension til I am 66. No future nowhere to go. No money. He lives in the house alone with the dogs. I just need enough to get out of town. That’s all I need. I can start again. I have done it before. I can do it again as long as he doesn’t find me. X

[Flyflyaway]

The sad thing also is about my first comment was, when he saw i was angry and distressed about the way i look, he said you can finally see it now

[Fudgecake]

Hello Flyflyaway,
What you posted, I could have written myself. I once was a confident, carefree and happy singleton with a good job and a great figure. Now,I’m filled with self loathing. I’m a shrivelled husk, a shell, I’m what’s left after he’d sucked everything out of me. If you’re still with him, go as soon as you can before your health goes. They literally take your mind, body and soul. You,me, we all deserve much more than their poison. Fly away and be free when you can go. You will find yourself again.Sounds like you have a great Dad, listen to him and take his support.
Yes fear plays a significant part in why we stay. I’ve gone a good while but I know if I saw my ex I’d automatically go submissive and right back to how I was when I left.Why? I’m scared of him. But, in the end it becomes a choice. Stay and fade away and perhaps even be fatally harmed by his hand or leave and try to regain yourself. I’m sending you hope and a faith in yourself that you’re stronger than he’ll ever be. You’ll be surprised at what you can do.Fly and be free x

[maddog]

When I look back I was pretty effing lovely at least physically. These days I am pretty offing lovely as a person. Well done you for getting to the gym. We are all made of the same stuff and it is so positive that you are finding ways to be kind to yourself. We can rebuild. Abusers can’t do that.

I grew up with abuse and I could never see myself as being ok. For most of my life I have just wanted out.

You are doing so well to recognise the positives. Please remember that you are enough. No matter what. Only concern yourself with how you feel in yourself. That’s what comes through.

I’m most certainly not out of the woods yet, but I am getting glimmers of light. These days it’s more like forever climbing out of the rubble of an earthquake and at least I can see the light. Before, the only light in the tunnel was that of the oncoming train, so it’s progress.

I’ve had to give up my job because of abuse. I’m learning to play a musical instrument which is just about keeping me sane and my teacher is proud of me. No exams yet!

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