24th July 2019 at 5:05 pm #84119
I’m really sorry as I’ve posted about this before, but this is one of the most difficult and painful aspects of my situation. I really don’t know what to make of it and as I am considering making a complaint and going to the police I feel I should really try to come to terms and understand what happened as I really don’t want to push something if I’m over reacting.
I have been doing a lot of reading about coercive control ever since WA said that this is what happened to me, and I do recognise a lot of things in my relationship to be coercive control. One thing that is hard for me to classify and come to grips with is the pregnancy aspect. Not a lot of the coercive control literature seems to mention about pregnancy. I did see a reference to reproductive coercion and it seems that is what’s happened but I don’t know how recognisable this is as an offence. It seems utterly ridiculous but I don’t know whether what’s happened to me even comes under sexual assault or even rape. It’s ridiculous and I feel really stupid even writing this as surely I would know right?
When I met ‘him’ I told him that I hadn’t been in a sexual relationship for some years. I charted my cycle only on an app. I said to him I would have to use a more reliable method of contraception. He laughed an derided me for being ‘C******c’ and assured me that he was happy with that method. He really tried to convince me that he had read studies to suggest that the rhythm method was just as good as any. I was really surprised as what man would realistically say that, especially one who would later tell me that getting pregnant had ‘ruined [his] life’? We said we would use condoms at my fertile time (yeah, please no judgement). When it came down to it, he never used condoms and his friend told me that he didn’t use them with me because he ‘wanted to feel that connection’ with me even though he always used them with other women who were on a proper method. They would both say that he trusted me and blamed me for getting pregnant, accusing me of betraying his trust. It was a stick that they would beat me with constantly. He insisted that I had said I would ‘deal with it’ and have an abortion if I became pregnant, but I KNOW I said no such thing. He returned to it continually. We did talk of abortion but I told him I didn’t know what I’d do. He knew my feelings as we had talked about it in other contexts. I’m not against abortion, I just never thought it would be part of my life as (detail removed by moderator) He humiliated me as he’d told his friends really intimate details about me. Together they said how they’d concluded I was probably (detail removed by moderator) (as I spotted after sex a lot) and this unlikely to get pregnant (that hurt me as he knew I wanted more children in the future as we’d spoken about it and he said the same). He was rough with me and used to bite and hurt me and I felt like I had to go along with it as I hated to displease him. He told me he would enjoy ‘bending me to his will.’ They used the ‘trust’ argument to say that I essentially had to prove that I was trustworthy (because apparently I’d said I’d have an abortion but I KNOW I didn’t). They both knew I had strong feelings for him.
When I found out I was pregnant he said I’d ruined his life and would be worse than dead if I kept the baby. He said if I had it he would HAVE to be involved and that if I disappeared he would come and find me. He compared me telling him I was pregnant to be told he had aids whilst emotionally crippling me by saying he would want to twirl the girl he loved around when she told him she was having his baby. He said I’d tainted his vision of fatherhood for when he found someone he actually wanted to have children with. I blame them for the loss of the baby. He said he’d be with me if I aborted, then he said he wouldn’t so I said I wanted it (because I really did) and that’s when ‘she’ got involved. She knew my feelings for him and how much I wanted to be with him so she ‘fixed’ things so that we could go back to the original ‘agreement’ that we could work on our relationship if I terminated. I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to but I said I would try. I never could do it and when I found out miscarriage was inevitable I told him I’d had the abortion. He wasn’t with me and I just wish I could turn back the clock to that appointment so we could talk. As all they focus on now is my ‘lie’. I was so frightened though and they kept questioning me to ask me if I’d done it. I was so depressed at this point and I just wanted to get them off my back and be in his comforting presence rather than his angry, disappointed presence. I’m so dreadfully sad and sorry about it all. I wanted to tell him the whole time. He said he’d be with me either way but he was only there when it was convenient. He accused me of being needy all the time (well I was) until he finally called me deranged whilst I was losing my baby – whether he believed it was abortion or miscarriage doesn’t seem relevant but I feel so VERY GUILTY. I feel it’s all of my own doing. And now he’s not around to help me process the pain or to even share the pictures or anything else he wants to know.
24th July 2019 at 5:44 pm #84123
Here’s just my thoughts. I’m going to be blunt so please excuse me, I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m trying to help you realise that he doesn’t have your compassion , empathy or feelings. It’s all about him and his selfish desires. Hard to believe if you’ve never met his sort before but there are many many out there. He simply wanted sex without using a condom, as many men do. And he coerced you into doing that after your initial decision. Abusers don’t care about pregnancy, my ex raped me when I was a teenager and I could easily have got pregnant. Didn’t enter his selfish entitled head. In law, you cannot consent to someone assaulting you (to my knowledge) so if he admits to hurting you, even though you consent, I believe this is illegal. Immoral too obviously. He is a liar and so is this flying monkey of his. Do not believe a word either of them say. Their goal is to discredit and destroy you and they simply don’t care how. I know your pain, I had a miscarriage myself and it’s a lot to deal with, especially on your own. His behaviour especially over this is the ultimate betrayal and exposes his absolute lack of care and concern. I’m afraid you fell for a manipulator, an abuser and a predator. Nothing good will come from further contact. It’s all about you now. Your health both physically and mentally. Please believe me when I say you will feel totally different in a while once you’ve recovered your rationale. You’re thinking from a place of hurt, pain and guilt. Try to look from a place of strength and healing and accountability. Love yourself, heal yourself and the rest falls into place. If it helps you, take a week off from thinking about the whole situation. Every time it pops into your head, tell yourself, I will deal with this next Thursday. Meantime I’m doing something else x
24th July 2019 at 6:33 pm #84127
Thank you KIP and it seems like you might be right about the assault as I found this on the CPS website:
“The House of Lords held in R v Brown (Anthony Joseph)  1 A.C. 212 that in the absence of a good reason, the victim’s consent is no defence to a charge under the Offences Against the Person Act 1861, ss20 or 47 ; the satisfying of sado- masochistic desires does not constitute such a good reason.”
I have some pictures of bruises he inflicted on me. I sent them to him as the incident really hurt me (physically and emotionally). I sent them because I wanted to see what he said. He replied that he was shocked that he’d done that but was kind of satisfied. I was really hurt, but I’ve probably undermined myself there as I simply replied that yes he had done it and it was ‘sexy’ that I was going around hiding marks he’d inflicted on me. I’m such an idiot as I didn’t really feel like that but I was surprised by his response then didn’t want to anger him by saying what I really felt. Always I undermine everything. This guy had me under his control good and proper it seems. I hope maybe his social media account where he talks in detail about his thoughts of dominance and getting off on the power and strength of knowing he can hurt someone will help as that’s all independent of me.
24th July 2019 at 7:12 pm #84132
I just wanted to reply to your post Beauty, about the coercive reproduction thing. It definitely exists. Some men are obsessed with having children and getting their partner pregnant. Its quite creepy. It can often be about being seen as a real man and also as a way of keeping their partner dependent on them. A way of preventing their partner from leaving. Some abusive men see it as some sort of game something funny to do to see if they can get their partner pregnant. A lot of them are obsessed with getting you pregnant so they promise the earth but once the pregnancy is there they insist that the woman gets rid of the child. Its horrible they don’t see the woman or the child as real people. They are cruel and unfeeling. They will say anything to avoid using a condom, whether it is because they can’t maintain an erection or because they don’t like the feel of it or so they can feel close. All rubbish. They are just selfish. They don’t want to use one full stop. My first partner got me pregnant after saying he would withdraw. I stupidly wasn’t on birth control. I was very young. He got at least one other previous girlfriend pregnant too. He didn’t want either child. I lost the baby and he would say things like you will be a good mother but he refused to have another baby. My second partner was creepily obsessed with his married female friend and her children. He had a child of his own. I sometimes think he was obsessed with the children because he got attention from them and he was obsessed with her because he knew she could breed. She had three. I know that sounds awful but that is what it was like. When I first got with him we were kissing passionately and he said how many kids do you want. I said none because of my age and disability and he did not like that. I made sure I got contraceptives with him, even then he wouldn’t wear a condom. So its just as well I took the pill. However I didn’t even think about STIs as it was a long time since I had been in a relationship. It never occurred to me. How stupid is that? Once we were in the car and we passed a pregnant woman and he said “super sperm!” Creepy.
Your ex was crafty and being an absolute liar when he said he had read “studies” that that the rhythm method was reliable. It suited him so he didn’t have to wear a condom. He took advantage of your inexperience and naivety.
” his friend told me that he didn’t use them with me because he ‘wanted to feel that connection’ with me even though he always used them with other women who were on a proper method. He shouldn’t have been discussing your private sex life with her at all. That bit about wanting to feel that connection with you and he used them with other women. The word that comes to mind is b******s! What a liar. Just like my two exes. He won’t have used them with other women. Some one said to me that these men will say anything so they can get what they want i.e. in your pants. They are like immature adolescents. Its awful. I understand how humiliating this is. Who the hell does that idiot woman think she is? What has any of this got to do with her. She is a fool being fed loads of garbage by him. He is twisting things trying to blame you and refusing to take accountability.He is gaslighting you about saying you had discussed abortion. He is trying to twist reality. What a delightful specimen he is.
I totally understand you posting lots about this you are trying to make sense of this because it is so absurd. You are like I was analyzing every little detail trying to understand. If it doesn’t make sense it is because it is a lie. Its good to continually write it out to help it become clearer in your mind.
It’s disgusting that he talked to his friends about personal details. My second ex did this. It is humiliating. He talked about something I had never done before(nothing weird) to the female friend and she said I had had a sheltered life. What has it got to do with her? Her father asked him if he had taken me to bed yet when we first got together, its horrible. How dare your ex and his friends conclude anything? I used to spot blood after having sex with my first ex. It was because he was rough with me and he hurt me. It was probably also because I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t with my second ex. I wasn’t peri menopausal.” He was rough with me and used to bite and hurt me and I felt like I had to go along with it as I hated to displease him. He told me he would enjoy ‘bending me to his will”- this shows his true colours right there. Horrible man. The next paragraph in your post shows me he was torturing you playing mind games, dangling a promise of a future if only you behaved properly. And how dare she get involved? Who does she think she is? God those two are vile. They were bullying you, plain and simple. It is a common tactic for abusive men to question your state of mind and to call you needy. You are not needy, you are not deranged. He is the one who is deranged. You are not to blame for this at all. None of this is your fault. It is his fault. He is only trying to confuse you so he can avoid accountability. You are so d**n lucky to be away from him believe me. x*x
24th July 2019 at 7:42 pm #84136
The first time we met up he did talk about how he wanted children etc. I guess it was all mirroring to make me think I’d found my dream man as that is truly how I felt.
(detail removed by moderator) I only came across his social media account after he left me. I wish I’d seen it way before as it’s disgusting some of the things he says all under his professional name too. Perhaps if I’d seen this I could have saved myself and the baby.
You’re so right. They are both so vile. They really bullied me. And everyone is telling me my complaint won’t be heard. My ISVA who is attached to the uni (but allegedly independent) has really let me down today. (detail removed by moderator) I don’t even know who to go to about this. I feel so let down and all my support is being withdrawn because I’m finished. They way they’ve treated me is awful and makes me feel defeated and like no one believes that I even have a case.
Thank you so much for your words. It’s the brutal truth but validating x
24th July 2019 at 9:42 pm #84143
Also what you said about them wanting to be seen as real men is scary. He said to me on more than one occasion that he was glad to know he could get someone pregnant as he was worried about his lifestyle. I thought it was absolutely sick when he said it.
24th July 2019 at 7:48 pm #84137
Sometimes people in organisations will just lie to get rid of you. It’s easier than dealing with your complaint. Gaslighting you again. Ask for their refusal to deal with your complaint in writing. And the reasons why in writing. That will get them thinking. And worrying. Whatever their opinion I’d get my complaint down and send it anyway. Also ask for a copy of their complaints procedure. Again they will start to take you seriously. Don’t give up. He’s counting on that. You deserve justice. Even if it’s just the justice of getting your story heard. Power to you x
24th July 2019 at 9:39 pm #84142
I really think you’re right about that. It does feel like they are trying to get rid of me. I feel humiliated and embarrassed as I feel like I’m making a fuss as they don’t seem to take it seriously which make me doubt whether I have a cause to complain or pursue police action. It’s absolutely gaslighting and I did say this to my ISVA a while back.
I think I will try to pursue it to it’s conclusion because it’s only right. I have the complaints procedure but they seem to be a law unto themselves. (detail removed by moderator) What’s happened is dreadful enough without institutions covering it up.
24th July 2019 at 9:45 pm #84145
I think the ISVA is basically ******** herself because she knows she has done a c**p job and doesn’t want to get into trouble or she wants to hang onto her job with the university. Speak to Rape Crisis, they don’t just deal with rape but with domestic abuse and they have ISVAs too. The university are panicking too.
24th July 2019 at 10:13 pm #84149
I could be wrong but it feels like I lost a lot of good will when I sent my letter. I have been so desperate to sort things out with him and obviously the role is about supporting victims and I went and put myself in a vulnerable and undermining position by grovelling to him as I have been doing 🙁
25th July 2019 at 8:49 am #84165
Perhaps the ISVA at the University doesn’t really understand trauma bonds or what it is really like being in a relationship like that. All the training in the world isn’t the same as having lived and experienced it. Try a different ISVA away from the university.
25th July 2019 at 10:41 am #84181
Blue eyes is right. I married my rapist. Try explaining that to someone who’s never been raped and abused. We do the most unbelievable things when we are abused and traumatised. A miscarriage alone is enough to destabilise us, even with a good support network. That’s his shame not yours x
27th July 2019 at 2:52 am #84403CamelParticipant
Your experience is truly appalling and I’m sending you a supportive hug.
It sounds as if there is a load of trauma you’re putting on the back burner while you pursue legal justice. You’re also talking about complaints procedures while still looking for an organisation that will take you on. You must be exhausted!
I hope you won’t take offence at this. Can you find out what the statute of limitations is on this kind of case? Is there anything you really must do now, like make a police report? Then, after gathering up every scrap of evidence, put it to one side for now?
I’m not for one moment suggesting that you’re wrong to want to ‘out’ him (them) but does it have to be right this minute? You won’t be letting him get away with it – just postponing things until you’re strong enough to bring him down.
I hope you won’t let this consume you when I think what you really need is distance to gain perspective and time to heal. Can you put in a call to Women’s Aid? You won’t need to fight with them to be heard and believed. x
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