What happened to me?

[Anonymous]

I would like to understand what has happened to me, as all sorts of thoughts go through my head (“was he just stressed and tired from work?”, “am I making a problem out of nothing?”, etc.).

When I was helping my now ex-boyfriend with (detail removed by Moderator) time, I had an accident with a (detail removed by Moderator). In the hospital they told me I had torn the ligament in my knee. Back home (detail removed by Moderator), my boyfriend and his mother were not pleased with the prospect of me needing time to recover. They wanted me to take the maximum amount of pain killers, so I could keep on helping. Something I refused, as I feared complications.

The result was that the atmosphere was very tensed and that I got critical looks and comments (from “you can’t be a lady of leisure here” to “you didn’t even think of making me lunch!”).

Sleeping was difficult (my knee was very swollen) and I tried to get through the nights (and bring the swelling down) by having my leg up on a pile of pillows. One time, my boyfriend just climbed on top of me, brought his pants down, pulled mine down, brought his penis in, came after a few minutes and then got off and fell asleep. He didn’t ask if it was alright… he didn’t bother about my knee at all. He didn’t even seem aware of me (no touching, kissing, talking, looking or anything to make contact).

During sex, I would normally put my arms around him and kiss him. I would participate. But what happened now was something entirely different. He wasn’t aggressive, the intercourse didn’t hurt (detail removed by Moderator), but my knee hurt enormously from having him climb on and off me. Sex was the last thing on my mind during those days and I just couldn’t believe what he was doing.

I didn’t fight or push him off me, I didn’t walk away, I didn’t scream “NO”… I froze… completely. With my mind focused on the extra pain his actions were causing in my knee and trying to get through it.

All I wanted afterwards was to leave. Which I did as soon as I didn’t need the crutches anymore and was able to drive again.

Can anyone shine a light on what has happened to me? How should I see it? How should I call it? Was it just a one-off mistake? Caused by exhaustion from (detail removed by Moderator) time? We’ve never talked about what happened. I have only one time tried to tell him how much my knee hurt during those days, but he didn’t even remember which knee it was.

[Janedoeissad]

Think about this. He had sex without your permission. He never looked for any sign that you consented. To me, that was rape.

Tiredness is no excuse fir what he did.

You probably froze as this behaviour sounds out of character but it’s still wrong.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for replying to my story, Janedoeissad.

I don’t understand why I froze and wish I had responded differently, but it might be because it all happened rather quickly and because I never expected it to happen. I struggle to understand how he thought I would be into it whilst laying there with my leg on a pile of pillows to reduce the swelling in my knee. As every little movement of my leg hurt, which he could have known.

“Rape” is so big a word though… isn’t that a word that should be reserved for women who come out beaten, wounded and damaged? Women whose vaginas show signs of having been forced?

I feel damaged too, but in a different way. It was my knee that hurt the most. And my head and heart, as I can’t understand how someone who claimed to care about me, could treat me in such a respectless, inconsiderate and humiliating way.

[Janedoeissad]

Gardengirl the definition of rape is “unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, a**s, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim”

There is no mention of being beaten. He KNEW about your injury and he also must have seen how disturbed you were with what was going on? You clearly weren’t into it and not relaxed.

You didn’t say no but you also didn’t give any hint of consenting.

I’ve been discovering that I’m in a bit of denial about my own partners behaviour (totally different to what has happened to you). ive been rationalising his behaviour and down playing it, focussing on any good traits no matter how small but the reality is, my partner has the capacity to be very cruel. I’m slowly processing that reality.

Give yourself time to process what has happened. Keep talking. Even if it’s just on here. Maybe give the number a call and see what advice they can give.

[Anonymous]

That’s what I’ve been doing too… making excuses for him.

I don’t think he has seen how disturbed I felt, as he didn’t look up to my face once. There was no communication whatsoever. But he must have noticed that I lay there like a dead person and that I was responding different than usual.

But what to do? I heard that reporting is quite pointless, as you need to be able to prove it. And then it will be my word against his, of course.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear how they treated u, but glad you away from him now, these men are vile and what they do to us that it can actually just leave us in shock, they think they can just take it when ever they want , im glad u r out now as that was him testing the waters and then acting as if it never happened . NO he wasn’t tired , he just wanted it and took it, u’d be suprise how many men think they have the right to our body as they choose

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your reply, yes, I think it was a matter of “entitlement” indeed. He didn’t care about me detail removed by moderator!) one bit. All he cared about was getting laid. (detail removed by moderator)injury or not…

[Serenity]

So sorry to hear about this, Garden Girl.

He sounds horrific. My ex was also very cruel to me when I was ill or vulnerable in some way- took the opportunity to mistreat me and show frustration that I wasn’t up to my usual, being his maidservant.

I think you froze because you were in shock that he could try to do what he did, knowing that you were in such physical pain with your knee. I know that with my ex, there were times when I ‘froze’ when facing some of his behaviour- like my mind was trying to process it, like I couldn’t believe what was happening.

I think it was sexual assault. He was preying on you when you were vulnerable. And his cold behaviour surrounding it shows that it wasn’t a loving gesture. These abusers abuse in every way: even with sex, it’s built upon a sense of entitlement and power. Intimacy and tenderness are absent with an abuser.

Don’t downplay it, especially if it is affecting you. It might be a good idea to call the Rape Crisis line: just speaking to someone about how you feel about that situation could help, and they might advise what support you might need.

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

Can any of you relate to the following feelings:

beating yourself up for having ignored early ‘warning signs’, for not having listened to your gut telling you “be careful”, for not taking your inner urge to leave more serious, for excusing his behaviour too many times, for thinking it’s you, for wondering if you’re not good enough, for forgiving him too many times, for not reporting things (rape in my case) straight away, for not wanting to admit to yourself that you’re in an abusive and exploitative relationship, for feeling ashamed to admit to your friends and family that you’re not really happy, for keeping up appearances, for not keeping the honour to yourself and for not respecting yourself more and even wondering if he maybe is right when he tells you “you’re too sensitive” and thinking you’re making too much out of it?

I’m going through some difficult emotions lately and even if I would like to report to the police, I’m afraid I’ve waited too long and that it will be pointless (plus no witnesses or evidence).

Has any of you got experience with reporting rape by a partner after the relationship ended?

It just never occurred to me to do it earlier. Mainly because despite knowing that what happened was really wrong and left me feeling extremely bad, I struggled labeling it ‘rape’ (I thought that was something for strangers in dark alleyway’s). But also because I had already invested quite a bit of time and emotions into the relationship and hoped he would change.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

We are so blown away by the abuse we don’t even recognise it ourself till too late , yes we have the thoughts this can’t be right , but they soon brain wash us into thinking we r in wrong , we provoked them , we didn’t try hard enough at relationship, we were too demanding, this is normal behaviour …. the excuses can go on , we just went into denial rather than admit we had a serious problem and needed to get out , even if we wanted to get out , we were trap , scared we wouldn’t be believed , threatened …

I personally had to take counselling up to recognise extent of abuse I received, understand what happened and to heal . I would recommend the same . It’s strange how when I started counselling one of the questions they ask is about our childhood and I thought yes I had perfect childhood ,slowly when u heal u go deep into thoughts and it’s shocking how certain could moments get bedded deep into your head and reflects how we think as adults . Report it to the police now , it took me over (detail removed by moderator) months to report historical abuse after leaving him

[Author]

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