What happened to me?

[Sunrays]

I used to be bouncy, happy. Never had much confidence but what was left he damaged. Now everday is a constant struggle. Sometimes I don’t even want to get up. (detail removed by Moderator) years…..(detail removed by Moderator) years I stayed loyal. From the moment of dating onwards! My friends told me he didn’t seem right for me andthey weren’t sure of him. I knew he had issues before me and that he’d messed about. I asked him at the beginning because he was always Full On with me and I guessed he was ‘on fire’ and probably had a fruitful passed sexually. I saw all the warning flags but didn’t listen to anyone.He told me he had got in a mess with a ‘young’ girl when he was ‘younger’ and that nobody knew of it. I should of walked away then but I felt sorry for him, just thinking he had made a mistake.
I got caught up in his charm, flattery. It started off ‘back then in my mind as’ fun, somebody wanted me and loved me. He said he wanted to marry me and would care for me. I was too quick and I wasn’t comfortable about marriage. Wanted to date longer to be sure but he was very pushy about marriage. My friend told me, if he loves you ask him could he wait longer and see what is his answer is…..then you will know!!! So I did tell him. His answer….”(detail removed by Moderator)”!!! I should of turned my back then but I made so many excuses. Maybe marriage will calm him down as its what he needed physically. How wrong I was.
My family said he was too sexualized from the start, pushy, over confident, sure of himself. I didn’t see that. I just saw an exiting person, charasmatic and could probably give me confidence. He pressured me after marriage to stop taking thr pill. I wasnt ready. But he went on and on. “You promised me a family…….you’ll get too old and then you won’t be able to have any”. I believed him. I got pregnant (detail removed by Moderator) after marriage. My pregnancy made him more secualized. It was a nightmare! He treated me like meat, wanted me to do stuff I didnt want to do or make me feel stupid. I felt tired, heavy and fat, i carried big, sick all the time and emotional. I wanted support and to feel loved not made to feel like his fascination and personal play object. He was filthy and dirty. Watched too much filth which now I know he wanted to perform and reinact with me. He made me feel cheap and dorty. I always told him, I hated it, I didnt want him to behave like that any more, to stop bit he would say its me. Other people did these things and its normal. ( Maybe it is for some) but I didnt want it. He’d say other women would do it with their partners, others women are better. I sent me crazy bit by bit. I thought I was cracking up. And he did make me believe it was all me. I thought I was rubbish, that he would find someone else to entice his needs. I used to second guess myself all the time. He rubbished everything I did. Other women were better than me all the time. Then if I disputed with him he would “other people know I have problem with this and they accept this”. It got to the point I’d had enough. I hated him and resented him. At the same time he would make me cry, bully me, swear in my face, call me mental, crazy, laugh at me when I tried to ask him why he does these things. He was so so cold, unsympathetic and careless to my feelings. Theres times I tried to commit suicide. I just wanted it to stop and for him to change. I did love all the good things about him but I hated his sexual behaviour. Sometimes he would spoil a lovely eveing by springing horrible acts on me and I didnt know what to do. Sometimes I froze in a panic or switch off and let him get it over with. He would hurt me. Sometimes I’d go to the toilet aand I would be sore. At one point he enjoyed so much what he was doing he put his hand around my throat. I remember panicking and thinking let go of me, trying to pull his hand off me. The very last time was (detail removed by Moderator). We a visitor staying over in the spare room and he took the oppurtunity to abuse me because I couldnt shout out for him to stop. I told him to but he wouldnt. I went into shock and once it was finished I told him never to touch me again. I lay awake all night crying on the couch. Our visotor upstairs. Kids in bed. I didn’t know what to do. Do I call the police? What about the commotion it will cause? Who will believe me? Was it rape? Did I allow it? I did nothing and decided later to run away. I couldnt take anymore.
The next day he said “(detail removed by Moderator)”. But he kept doing it and he’d said that before. I’d had enough. I tried to leave him bit he got aggresive and nasty. The bullying started. Throwing my stuff out of the bedroom, lockimg me out, checking where I was going, hacking my phone, threatening my supportive friends. And calling me a psycho all the time. In the end he threatened that he would remove the children, take the house and money “screw” me in court. I had a break down and he filmed me on his phone, crying and breaking down into hesterics, calling me a n*****e. When I tried to get away, he followed me around the house, so I went outside. He locked me outside, laughing at me.
I cracked up. Eventually he let me in the house. I smashed the (detail removed by Moderator) because of the porn and tried to stop him filming me on his phone. And he used that footage to tell police and show neighbours that I was crazy.

I am free of him now. I ran away to get out of it. But now I have nightmares, flashbacks its hapoening all over again. I feel sick when I thinl about it and him. No matter what I try, relaxation, calming tea, music. It doesnt go away. I think about the attack every single day and I felt depressed. I should of reported it but I was scared I wouldnt be believed. He is my husband and its hard to prove. He told all his friends and old neighbours I am a liar. He continues to tell people I am crazy and it makes me so angry.
He cheated on me through our marriage and I took him back. I was so stupid to believe he would ever change and be decent but i stuck with it for slong it made me a shell of what I used to be. I don’t feel like I will ever properly recover. Sometimes I want to go back and I wish I never got involved with him.
Now I have to deal with him for my kids but I don’t want to ever see him again. I want him just to dissapear but I can’t because of the kids.

Many people dont understand how this rollercoaster of emotions is. I hope there is.someone out there that knows Exactly how I feel even though I would never wish this situation on anyone.

I had to release this. It won’t go away.

[Watersprite]

Hello Sunrays Thank you for your bravery in writing this post. Well done for getting it out! Pulling a thorn out is the first step of healing. Remember this when you are tempted to go back. My experiences are very similar. No wonder you’ve lost your sunshine your ex was very abusive he raped and degraded you. He gaslighted you and shifted the blame. Not surprising it eroded your sense of who you are. Well done for leaving and now for moving forwards
– Could you speak it to your GP it is possible you may have Talking therapies can help?
– Have you had support from women’s aid?
– Can you get a third party to assist with child contact? You shouldn’t have to face hin again ever
Reporting to police is personal it’s not easy and the threshold for evidence is high. His abuse is definitely illegal. I reported in the end as he wouldn’t leave us alone.

Most of all lovely be gentle on yourself it takes time so rebuild from this so nice things that help you feel safe tiny treats they don’t have to be expensive it could be a walk and enjoy getting into your own bed safe at last. I get it all of it you are not alone x

[nbumblebee]

Hey there what a brave lady you are well done on getting it all out.
You are amoungst people who understand here we can all relate to your story whilst we all have different experiences we all certainly understand. Im still here (detail removed by Moderator) years in still fighting him every day.
My story is similar to yours and i dont regonise myself anymore i am not the person i once was because of him.
You are out thats fantastic and a very tough brave thing to have done now maybe you need a little help some guidance and my gosh i know how unbelievably scarey it is to talk to share to re visit all that they did and do but sweetie i think it really will help you.
I self harm and see a counsellor i never ever in my wildest dreams thought that id ever see a counsellor thats not for me i dont believe in all that self love rubbish but do you know what right now its the one things thats holding me up.
Im lucky that i can pay and i am abke to hide it from my husband but i am aware not many ithers are so lucky, maybe you can talk to your gp ask for a referal, contact womans aid they may be able to help just because you are out it dkesnt mean that you cant and shouldnt get some help you have been so brave and now you need to learn to be kind accept yourself find who you are again learn that none of what happened none of it is your fault you survived and you will continue to survive i just think you need someone to talk too who can help guide you through the next stage in your life. Keep talking keep getting it all out every single one of us here gets it we really do and we are always here to listen.
Take care of you sweetie xxxx

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