What happens when the authorities find out?

[Cant Breathe]

Hi I am new here.

My doctor noticed my bruises the other day. She asked if my partner was violent and I denied it. She didn’t believe me. But didn’t push the subject. She did tell me that if she is concerned that I am in danger she will have to inform authorities. What does this mean? Will my partner find out? Can I have help without him knowing? She directed me to women’s aid and refuge. I haven’t confirmed to her that anything is happening at home but I am worried because I have a baby she will be more likely to act. I am very aware of the issues around having a child in an abusive environment so please don’t lecture me on that – I’ve already drilled it all into myself. I know I’m a bad mother for not leaving already.

I guess I am just looking for experiences? If that’s even possible without risking exposing yourself. But what happens? What do the various authorities do? What rights do I have to ensure my partner doesn’t find out? I am at the start of this journey and afraid of all the unknown.

Thanks a lot in advance for any support and stay safe x

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid. They can support you all the way, whatever you decide to do. No pressure. And if the doctor does refer you then you’re already engaged in a process to safeguard you and your baby. When we are being abused our thought pattern just doesn’t function properly and sometimes when we are in danger and don’t recognise that danger then the authorities will have to step in. The police intervened and arrested my abuser and gave him bail conditions and that gave me the space I needed to work out that I was being abused. Have you read Living with the Dominator?

[Cant Breathe]

At the moment I’m just so afraid of my partner finding out. I want to get my head straight before anything happens.

I’ve not read Living with a Dominator. I’ll google it.

[maddog]

How lucky that you have an observant GP. Can you get a cheap burner phone for making essential calls?

When the abuser has been clocked, it is so much more dangerous. This is why you badly need the help and support of the professionals. Don’t worry about Social Services if they get involved. It’s a really difficult time when we first realise that there’s something badly wrong in our relationship.

If you need to call the police in an emergency and can’t speak, dial 55. I think they understand about asking for pizza as well.

It’s a very tumultuous time, and you will have to get safety plans in place. So many of us here absolutely understand the fear of a partner knowing that you know.

Don’t worry about getting your head straight before calling Women’s Aid. Please don’t. Just call them. There’s lots of stuff on youtube about abuse which you may find helpful if you are safe to watch it.

It took me a long time to realise and for it to sink in that my ex’s behaviour was, and always had been, abusive.

You will get through the other side and there are so many people to hold your back along the way. Keep going. Baby steps.

[KIP.]

Women’s aid won’t tell you partner. They absolutely understand how dangerous this would be for you. In fact they ask that you do not tell your partner that you have contacted women’s aid. There is a national domestic abuse helpline number and an online chat service on this forum. Talk to them and they will guide you. I understand the fear of your partner finding out so make sure he’s not put any strange apps on your phone or tablets and computer etc.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I am in exactly the same boat as you, under no circumstances did I want my husband finding out that if spoken to anyone. He would have gone crazy. Eventually he was arrested after an incident and I was too scared to not do anything, but I got a third party to report. I begged Witt them whilst interviewing that they didn’t disclose anything that I had said or shared.. they were true to their word.

He was bailed but retuned home and things aren’t great but I need more confidence and reassurance to leave.

[Lottieblue]

I’ve just come on to encourage you to contact Women’s Aid as well. They are so lovely. The very reason for your existence is to help protect you from your abuser so they would never to anything to jeopardise your safety. You will be amazed and relieved that they understand a whole load more about your situation than even you do!
I called in to mine. My oh never looks at phone bills or anything like that, he sees that sort of household management as my job, but I am terrified of him becoming suspicious and starting to check up on me. I went to WA while I was out in another errand, so when he asked me where I’d been I could say in all honesty – doing whatever it was.

I went back to WA a second time in order to phone a lawyer to make an appointment. Again I didn’t want there to be any chance of the number being traced. I can’t tell you how lovely they were. As someone has already said, there’s no pressure. They are so understanding. They will listen and if they feel they can advise you on steps you can safely be taking them they will. Their primary concern is always your safety.

I would do it as soon as you possibly can.

[Lisa]

Hi Can’t Breathe,

Welcome to the forum. Reaching out today on here and sharing your experiences means now you can begin to get some very good insight into what options you may have and know that you are not alone.
As others have suggested, contact your local domestic abuse service as they can talk you through a safety plan in more detail. You can locate your local service here. You may want to go into a safe house/Refuge to leave quickly and safely without him knowing where. You can find a variety of good information on safety panning and refuge services here. Women’s Aid have compiled some useful information for support during COVID that can be found here.
I hope this helps. Please do continue to post when you can during this crucial time for you.
Stay safe,

Lisa

[Author]

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