This topic contains 17 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  stepping stone 5 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #107227
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    I’m out my home as of yesterday from Sat and Sunday abuse (verbal, threats and spat in my face)Am staying in a hotel (I’m a key worker so luckily can access) and have been threatened over the phone again today to kill me and beat the proverbial out of me which he retracted when I said I’d call the police. I know I’ve got to report it so what happens when you contact the police? I have no physical injuries but lots of threatening abusive texts. Historically I also visited a hospital years ago with injuries but didn’t press charges and he was prosecuted for an assault witnessed by the police abroad but jumped bail. What action do you think police would take? He is adamant that he won’t leave our home (joint mortgage) but says he won’t touch me if I return while we sort divorce stuff out. There is no way I’m going back though.
    I’m sitting across the road from a police station at this minute scared to go in because of what may happen next and yet scared of what will happen if I don’t.
    Hope I did the right thing starting a new topic. Only joined on Saturday so not sure of the etiquette. Thanks.

  • #107240
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hey, don’t worry about etiquette, you just jump on here and post something, then we come along and answer 🙂

    Hopefully you have read the thread that iliketea has bumped up for you and you are now in the police station talking to someone who is going to take some action to help you.

  • #107263
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Thanks for the push. I just did it. Police station closed so called 101. She said police will be in contact with me tonight or tomorrow at latest. Feel a bit sick. And even more scared about what’s next. But a bit of relief too. I’ve never gone this far before. It really is the end. I feel sad as well though as we could’ve had a really nice life and been happy together. If it wasn’t for him! I’m laughing and crying at the same time because it’s just not true. I will never have a nice life and be happy with him. Should I get a solicitor now? I saw one in February who didn’t think I’d get an occupation order and I wasn’t really impressed at all. It was all money talk and I didn’t even get a free 30 mins. Would it matter using a different one? Next steps guidance from you very wise and supportive ladies would be greatly appreciated xx

  • #107270
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Are you still at the hotel? You haven’t gone home have you?

    The Police will ask you some questions about your history with him. Please answer the questions honestly. One of them will be about sexual abuse. If he has sexually abused you they will arrest him for historic offences, even if there’s no evidence. They will ask about previous assaults. Make sure you tell them he spat at you recently which is what has prompted you to leave him. They should arrest him for that assault anyway. You will need to give them a statement.

    At the end of the questions they will risk assess how much risk of harm you are from him. If this is High Risk then it means they will pulling out all of the stops to protect you. He may get bail conditions to stay away from you and the family home, which means you can move back. Alternatively, if there is no evidence to charge him they can look at a Domestic Violence Protection Notice/Order to keep him away from you and the home. These are temporary eviction notices for 28 days. If you get one of them you can then speak to a solicitor about applying for an Occupation Order and Non Molestation Order to take over after the DVPO expires. If you are fully co-operative with whatever protection measures the Police want to put in place then you are really on your way to getting through this. Sadly, many ladies waver at this stage and withdraw co-operation and allow their abusers back in the home against the conditions that are put in place to protect them and they disengage from Police safeguarding.

    This is a huge step you have taken, well done. I have worked with many ladies who have only ever called the Police once and just accepted the matter has been handed over and their future and safety has been put in to the hands of someone else. Sadly, I have worked with far more who want to withdraw their complaint and go back to the cycle of abuse because they weren’t quite ready to leave yet. The choice is yours, but sometimes, if the Police feel the evidence is enough to proceed without your consent they will do so anyway in order to protect you. This is called an ‘evidence led prosecution’.

    I couldn’t get out of my abuse without professional help in the end. My situation didn’t involve the Police, I fled to refuge, but I did as they told me and fully engaged, which led to my life that is free of abuse. Sometimes when we are so deep in we need all the lifelines we can grab to get us out. Please take them.

  • #107285
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    No I haven’t gone home. Still in the hotel. I won’t go home unless they remove him. I’m genuinely scared for my safety as this is the worse I’ve ever seen him. It’s usually a one-off meltdown but this has been a relentless campaign, week on week abuse for over 2 months and it’s escalating. I know contacting the police will be the finish of any chance of having any future relationship as he’s so anti police, that’s why I’ve held back before. And I’m scared of what his reaction is going to be when he finds out so welcome any safeguards the police put in place. My worry more is what if they don’t take action?

    He’s already started with the nice texts (I’ve just read living with the dominator and I think he was covered in almost every section) but for the first time I actually have feelings of disgust seeing them when I realise they’re not actually sincere in any way. And when his mum said his father was the same, I just thought I don’t want the same fate for my beautiful boy who is currently the total opposite in nature. I need to stick to my guns for us both.

    No sexual abuse except pestering for sex too much. No financial abuse as such as he takes no responsibilities for the finances at all and gets annoyed if I even speak about money. Apparently I’m a money n**i.

  • #107297
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Don’t delete any texts from him, don’t reply to any either. Show these threats to the Police. Tell them about the hospital visit for the assault you have years ago, they can get evidence from the hospital for that for a historical assault. They will see there is a pattern here of escalating behaviour over time, this actually ups your risk. If he has had previous run ins with the Police and has convictions for other violence offences to other people, these again adds to your risk. Assaults in foreign countries are quite common as victims are more fearful of the legal system in an unfamiliar country so the abuser knows he’s more likely to not get reported. I mean, there’s no way I’d report a rape in Dubai, I’d get locked up for having sex outside of marriage! It’s shocking. Anyway, I digress…

    Regarding financial abuse. If he is dependent on you financially, this ups the risk. You leaving him will leave him financially hard up, leading to him being more angry with you for leaving etc. Does he have MH / drug / alcohol issues? If so, this ups the risk.

    Think about what you have been subjected to over the past two months and what led you to flee yesterday, you really need to let the Police know how frightened you are to return home whilst he is present. If they don’t arrest him based on what you have typed on here I’ll be very surprised.

  • #107300
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Hi, hope you’re ok. Definitely try another solicitor. I called 4, one did try and charge for the so-called free meeting we had, when they knew I’d gone with a different one. But just ask if they are going to charge, before and after, They don’t have a leg to stand on if you haven’t signed Terms of Business. I tried 2 women and 2 men, just to understand the different approaches. But I did manage to get personal recommendations. I asked anonymously on a local area FB group. Could you do that? Contact the administrator and ask them to post for you. There might be a women’s only group – or a mums group? You’ll probably be able to work out when you speak to them which you think is best for you. Also, if you know any solicitors or barristers anywhere in the country, its a small network of people and they will definitely be able to ask someone who knows someone in your area. Barristers are really good in knowing who the good solicitors are too generally as at the end of they day they’re standing up in court on the instructions of the solicitors.
    Hope you’re ok. xx

  • #107384
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Hi Wants to Help and Iliketea. Thought I would update you on today. I’ve been in the police station all day as they did indeed take my report very seriously. I spent hours going through all the past history and I have been assessed as high risk. They will be arresting him either this evening or first thing tomorrow before work. They were great and really supportive. I cried a lot and said I feel guilty about reporting him but when i showed all the evidence I have they encouraged me by sayIng it’s him that’s caused this not me. I know that’s right but I’m dreading the repercussions. I actually feel sick right now and awful. But I also know having spoken about all the incidents over the years for the first time today that it’s shocking what I’ve been putting up with and it’s the right thing to do. I’m so drained xxxx

  • #107386
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Well done Lifebegins, you have done so well, you have taken the first step to take back the control in your life. I did suspect you would be High Risk from what you have said, I’m so glad the Police have taken this seriously and are now taking positive action to protect you.

    I’m not surprised you are drained. Giving these details for statements is exhausting, you are having to recall some horrific incidents over a number of years in order to give a ‘snapshot’ of what your life has been like. Feeling guilty is a natural reaction too, but you know what, it’s not your fault he’s going to be arrested, it’s his. If he hadn’t have done all of these things to you then there would be no report for you to make. You will also be an inspiration to other ladies on here who are reading these posts and who now may think “you know what, if Lifebegins can do this, so can I.”

    Being classed as High Risk brings in a whole level of safeguarding for you with the Police Domestic Abuse Team. I hope you are back in your own home with your son soon. You deserve to be there, not him. He can be excluded from the home because he is too dangerous to you to have the right to be there.

    The next few days are going to be an emotional roller coaster for you, but buckle in and hang on to the safety bar! Good luck, keep us posted.

  • #107388
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Well done Lifebegins a new life starts from today. Good luck to you, and now too you can do your grieving for your mum in peace💞 Take care of your health, stay safe, and thankyou for being there for others in all this and at a very difficult time and as a very valued key worker💞

  • #107417
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Police just called. They arrested him. I’m shaking like a leaf. He’s going to be so mad. Reality is hitting home.

  • #107528
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Lifebegins

    I just wanted to show you some support, you have done the right thing and it took so much strength to contact the police.

    The police should keep you updated and let you know what is happening. You could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends) and discuss the next steps, they can signpost you to services that can help you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

    Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are

    Lisa

  • #107549
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    Thank you for your message of support. I was too tired to post yesterday as it was a long day and I’d had so little sleep for the previous 3 nights. Thankfully I was back in my home with my son last night which was a little scary but a relief too.

    To update, the police called me first thing yesterday morning to run through the process with me. I’ve got to say so far they have been fantastic. The officer who took my statement was really kind, patient and supportive. Indeed whilst I was in the station other officers popped into the room to see if wanted anything, tea, coffee, water etc. I’d never been in a police station before so it was scary walking through the door but they put me at ease.

    I digress…yesterday morning first thing the police called, updated me what was happening with my ex-husband (that feels good to type that!) and I agreed to meet them shortly after at the property for them to collect evidence and for me to enter. As soon as I arrived, another officer from the domestic abuse team called and went through safe guarding measures with me and arranged for a panic alarm to be installed later that day. I will be having the locks changed on Friday morning (I arranged that not the police).

    Then 2 other local officers came to the house to collect evidence. They also gave me security advice. By this time I’d/they’d spoken to the investigating officer who’d said my ex was likely be bailed that afternoon with conditions not to contact me or come onto our road so the local police who were with me at the time kindly spoke to my neighbours to let them know if they saw him, to call 999 straight away. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to do it. All the neighbours were happy to do so (my next door neighbour even knocked later to drop in some raspberries from his garden). what I’m starting to see from this whole process is that i was always ashamed and embarrassed to speak out but now that I’ve had to, no one is judging me or not willing to help. I wished I done it sooner.

    Hasn’t been all sweetness and light though. My ex’s family have gone from being so called supportive to distinctly frosty once he was arrested. My son was staying with my mother in law whilst I was out of the house and in a hotel. She was very cold when I FaceTimed my son in the morning. when the investigating officer called me to say he was being bailed with conditions so I needed to collect my son within next couple of hours I emailed her and she came back “is that really necessary as we had stuff planned for the day?” I replied “yes it is because the police have told me to do it”. Then his sister dropped my son at the prearranged place and didn’t speak to me. Nothing like victim blaming! As the police and social worker said to me when I told them, if their son/brother hadn’t done all these awful things in the first place, he wouldn’t have been arrested!

    The police basically were in contact all day keeping me updated on what was happening with my ex. They advised me to pack some stuff for him (enough so he’d have no reason to contact me) and when he was bailed they would call so we could go out and they’d attend our home to collect his stuff and work van. He would not be allowed in the property so I got 2 suitcases, a black bin bag and his medication boxes ready by the front door. They took my house keys and my duplicate car key from him.

    Then a social worker called. Again very kind and supportive and confirming I’d done the right thing. As I’m fully engaged with police and not going back with him, she felt no part for social services to get involved with but did point out, that they would get involved if I did go back, as they have to safeguard my son.

    Now the most important bit, my son. He was quite upset having to leave his nanny’s when he was off to the beach and because she had told him his dad was at the police station. I was really annoyed at this as of course I was going to talk to him about it but not the minute he got in the car. I explained what was happening and said that his dad shouting and screaming at me, calling me abusive names, threatening me, throwing me out of the house etc (he has never seen the physical violence) is not right and not allowed by the law. Then he hit me with the heartbreaker “but it’s not really that bad to call the police for”. At that second I had no doubt at all that I’d done the right thing. All the years he’s been witnessing this, it’s become kind of normal to him. I spoke to the social worker about it and said I hoped I hadn’t left it too late to leave that it had adversely affected my son for ever. She assured me not as he’s young and they can arrange counselling with the school. But it hit home that not only was I a victim of his abuse, so is my child. That alone will keep me from ever going back.

    Had a long conversation with my son at bedtime and I think he’s actually relieved we’ve split. It was a terrible atmosphere in the house for months. He could actually pinpoint the dates of periods my ex has been ‘angry’ and latest period has been long! He also could recite all the disgusting names my ex called me. I said it’s not right or normal to call your wife those names or make her feel scared or throw her out of her own home. I’d never seen my dad or brother do that. He seemed to get it and we went to bed on a good note but who knows what he thinks?

    Today, I’m contacting my GP, solicitor and hopefully IDVA will be in contact. The police have also said they will be in touch. Then I’m taking my son and his friend (who’s in our bubble) to the beach for some fun.

    I’ve written an epic message today because I wanted to let you ladies who are thinking about doing this what has happened so far. I was always so afraid of the unknown and embarrassed and ashamed but it’s not been anything as bad as I imagined. Early days though. My finances are a complete mess but you know what for the first time, I don’t care. I’ll sort something. I know he’s definitely going to play dirty with child contact and money. I’m also worried of violent repercussions from him. I will have to be vigilant. It will be one day at a time and I’m going to grab every piece of support going. My stomach has been in knots for days but it’s not the same kind as knots of fear and walking on egg shells.

    Hope this is of use to you ladies. It’s been good for me to reflect on writing it down. Take care and stay strong xx

    • #107555
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      🌞 Good Morning Lifebegins. And thankyou💐 You will have helped so many women reading your post. And importantly your have helped you writing it. I am happy for you now! The shame and embarrassment you mentioned, is felt by many here and me too! at what we secretly endure or fear is outed! seen? by neighbours! from those abusing us. Let alone the rest of society! Our family, friends, etc. You have been so brave! Yes, you know the difficulties you face now ahead, but you are stronger now! remember! Have a fun time at the beach with your son today👩‍👦🏖️ and a wonderful new life together! Good luck with everything!💞 Hazydayz sending love💕

  • #107551
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    You should feel so proud of yourself! It’s all very overwhelming atm and emotions are running high BUT you did it and I’m so pleased you and your son are safer.

    Stay strong and massive hugs

  • #107556
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Thank you so much. I hope you are very very proud of yourself and the freedom you’ve given you and your son. I feel a bit teary reading your post and so so glad you’re out. Enjoy the beach, switch off the day, you really deserve it. Amazing. So strong. Thank you for posting too, really helpful. Xx

  • #107867
     stepping stone 
    Participant

    Thanks lifebegins for the details you shared. I wish you all the best for the future, regarding finances call a free debt charity like Step Cgange for advice on how to proceed etc, you might even be eligible for a mortgage break just to get you back on track.

  • #107869
     stepping stone 
    Participant

    Sorry meant Stepchange, hugs.

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