27th July 2021 at 4:39 pm #129324AnonymousInactive
Ok I’ll start,( makes sense seem as I started it :))
1 getting away from everyone toxic in my life ( ex friends, family and flying monkeys)
2 stopping seriously harmful coping mechanisms, alcohol way too much , overdosing, overeating , eating things I knew would hurt my tummy, staying quiet when I should speak up.
3 now this is tough one , being aware that I was abused ( you can’t Begin to heal until you know things you felt and hated were real), feeling everything ( tears are healing)
4 knowing myself again now I remember I’m not the worthless selfish good for nothing cruel person they tried make me out to be , now I won’t be moulded into a person someone wants me to be I’m ok as I am
5 journaling , sometimes it helps to write things down as either a gratitude list or things that happened to see them from an outside perspective to see how the dynamics played out
6 being close to nature , the sea and forest I’ve found to be a very healing energy to my vibe
7 changing my diet , certain foods and drinks have an effect on my system.
8 speaking to my dr, now I’ve found a nice understanding dr( and boy it took me a while)
9 not giving my power away to anyone and when I get a feeling something/ someone is “off” to avoid and not entertain.
10 last but nowhere near least , joining this forum , it would have been up the top but I’m doing them in chronological order.
So that’s it , I do so hope you join in with me to see how far you’ve come x x x
27th July 2021 at 9:38 pm #129336WaterspriteParticipant
Lovely lovely post
– support from professionals
– headspace app
– learning that I had needs and that was ok!!
I’m still work in progress probably always will be but the healing started after we left and the confusion cleared and I could finally see him for what he is vile and can begin to see me for who I am without him x
27th July 2021 at 9:46 pm #129339AnonymousInactive
I love this watersprite , I hope I get much more like it , I wanted to keep it a positive post to see how far we’ve come and give us all a self esteem boost, thanks watersprite 🚿 🧚♀️ 💙
27th July 2021 at 9:45 pm #129338CecileParticipant
Ditto to all of the above. Cant recommend enough the access to good health professionals, long walks, keeping a journal. My precious place is coming on this forum for caring advice when my poor abused head can’t think it’s way round problems.
27th July 2021 at 9:53 pm #129340AnonymousInactive
It’s my safe space too Cecile no one can get at it or sabotage it and it reinforces a lot of things I knew deep down , thanks for joining in 🧡💗🧡
17th August 2021 at 7:25 am #130178Put the kettle onParticipant
I’m still on the healing journey, these things help me:
*No contact with toxic people
*Gaining knowledge about abusive behaviour, being able to recognise it and realising it’s not acceptable
*accepting I was in an abusive relationship
*Self reflection as to why I got into abusive relationship and how to learn from it
*Reaching out to people, friends, gp, domestic helplines, ladies on here
*Trying to eat healthier
*Self care/Simple acts of kindness to myself (doing a hobby, watching tv, reading a book favourite food, giving myself a day off from tasks)
*Being in nature
*Going for a walk/exercise
21st August 2021 at 4:34 pm #130420AnonymousInactive
Thank you so much for joining in put the kettle on I’m sure anyone reading your post will be encouraged to do those things to help themselves to healing from the heartbreak of d.v 💖🧡💖
17th August 2021 at 8:08 am #130179
Love this post ❤
17th August 2021 at 9:39 am #130187AnonymousInactive
Nbumblebee , I love that your on this forum , between everyone on it , I think the impact is underestimated the huge affect it has on the other members, through the connection of shared experiences, awareness and the help that’s given 💛🐝🧡
17th August 2021 at 12:47 pm #130195
@auriel i only hope with all my heart one day I will be able to write a post like this and help others and they are helping me. X
17th August 2021 at 3:29 pm #130207AnonymousInactive
nbumblebee, you will it just takes time 🤗😙💛
17th August 2021 at 9:20 am #130184SecretlifeParticipant
I’m not sure if it counts here if you’re still living with your abuser? But I feel I have started some healing, I’ve come a fair way from where is was 6 months ago. The things that have helped me are:
Joining this forum
Reading the book ‘why does he do that’
Learning to put myself first and do more things I enjoy which don’t involve him!
That’s it for now, I still have a long way to go but I’m so pleased I am where I am! And, I am so grateful to all the wonderful ladies on this forum. Sending love to you all x*x
17th August 2021 at 9:47 am #130188AnonymousInactive
secretlife , it counts , you count, when you mention the wonderful ladies on the forum you should include yourself your a part of it as well, sending you lots of love back too 🌤💛🌻💙
17th August 2021 at 10:06 am #130189EggshellsParticipant
What a lovely thread. It gives hope that healing is possible despite the ups and downs. I wonder if it’s possible to heal completely?
The forum and the ladies on it
My little cat
My sister who makes me feel safe
Having my sons with me in my first years after leaving
Walks with my sons
My best friend
My empowering playlist
Insight timer app
Learning about abuse through books
Learning to love myself
17th August 2021 at 11:58 am #130192AnonymousInactive
That’s lovely eggshells I’ve not healed completely I still get bouts of depression and triggers but I don’t want to forget my abuses either cos I need to be aware in case of future predations , Thank you for your post, much appreciated 🧡💛🧡
17th August 2021 at 11:58 am #130193UpthehillParticipant
What lovely, inspiring posts 🙂
For me it was, and still is,
* completely moving away from the environment in which the abuse happened and limiting contact to ex-friends and family who did not believe or support me
* making new friends and daring to ask them for help when I need it
* the sea, swimming in the cold water
* feeling connected to other survivors – podcasts, social media
* talking to an amazing support worker
* writing and making things
* reading about trauma
17th August 2021 at 3:39 pm #130209AnonymousInactive
Uphill , these are brilliant and your really brave, we all underestimate the inner strength we have and yeah they’re inspiring, beautiful posts I’m glad I started it , it might help the survivors to remember how far they’ve come when they feel vulnerable or for the new people who’ve joined or people just reading it ☀️💦🌈
22nd August 2021 at 8:59 pm #130448WeemebreezeParticipant
I just read this chain for the first time and it’s so lovely! ❤️ Thank you for sharing. A couple of books I’ve read that have been really lovely and helped me switch off a bit – The midnight library by Matt Haig. I found it so powerful. Also, The Comfort Book by Matt haig. It’s described as a hug in a book and that’s so true. It’s filled with lovely inspiring statements. Thanks again x
22nd August 2021 at 10:15 pm #130449AnonymousInactive
Your welcome weemebreeze 💕 and Thank you also for sharing too, I love the sound of a hug in a book, I just wanted to kind of collectively see how far we’ve come , awareness of what has happened and the grieving over the losses and heartbreak and trauma is really important but I wanted to see what we’ve all done, thanks for the book share , I’ll have a look at those soon 💜💙💜
24th August 2021 at 9:26 am #130501soxyParticipant
Auriel I love this thread and it’s so encouraging to read everyone’s experiences and what has helped them. Like secretlife I’m still here but this is what’s helped me:
– Dr Ramani and Dr Les Carter YouTube Chanels.
– This forum and the amazing ladies on here, to everyone for being brave to share their story, even a little bit. To know you aren’t alone or going bonkers!
– acupuncture – if anyone can do this, then would thoroughly recommend. It has been life changing!
– Reading ‘why does he do that’ and the Freedom Programme – thanks to the recommendations on here. Again really really interesting information and once you have had the revelation – you just can’t unsee what has/or is happening.
– Exercising, but finding what I enjoy and sticking to it. No stress, just go and have fun.
– cleaning, I got to the point where I just gave up on everything. But now I have the energy and desire to do jobs, not that I love my home. I don’t, it’s not really my home. But just because it’s chaos because of him doesn’t mean I have to live like I was.
– Re-setting my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept anymore. .
– Finally realising/accepting that the few things I do have, are just that, things. If I need to get out quickly, I can and everything can be replaced.
– writing everything down from the beginning of our relationship.
– Talking to family and friends, not being ashamed to say what is or has happened.
– Realising that I’m still here, because I chose to be. Not because I am scared to leave. For now it’s a bit ‘calmer’ so during this time I can work on me. y
– when people pay me a compliment, I try to take it and just say ‘thank you’, rather than feel the need to come back with some sort of sarcastic humour designed to put me down.
– Cutting out toxic people where I can.
These are a few things, but I definitely feel there has been a shift in me. I’ve also had friends/colleagues say to me that I am different, that there is shift if how I am. So yay, it is working – but that is a big thanks to you ladies. I feel that in the year I’ve gone from victim, to survivor and dare I say it transitioning to thriver mode :-)!! Because from here on out, whatever happens, I will be ok. I can look after myself, I work and I’m a kind person. Thank you again, we really are much stronger than we realise and we should be proud of how far we have come. Because we have all made huge steps, but we had to do that, no one else could do it for us! xx
25th August 2021 at 12:43 pm #130573ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi soxy, can you explain a bit more about where you said “Realising that I’m still here, because I chose to be. Not because I am scared to leave.”? What helped me was kind of the opposite. But I know that our journeys to leave and heal after leaving can vary quite a bit, so I thought it might help others to see that different things work for different people.
When I was in your position I was too scared to leave and I would have said something like “I am choosing to stay because at this point in time it feels like the safest thing I can do. I know leaving is the best thing for my wellbeing, but I can only leave when I’m ready, and that’s ok.” I found it helpful to realise that it was completely normal to feel too scared to leave an abusive relationship because of trauma bonding. But I wouldn’t always feel that way and taking back my power in small ways would help me find the courage to leave. x*x
26th August 2021 at 9:12 am #130599soxyParticipant
Hi Isopeace, I have only felt this in the last month or so, felt a shift in how I feel and why I’m here. I am pretty sure you were the lovely lady who pointed me into the direction of trauma bonds, because earlier in the year I was in the position of, I know it’s crazy i’m still here, but I can’t tell you why. I researched trauma bonding and also looked at ways I could practically help myself. Just for me I had to get back in control of my life, admit what the situation was and that it would never change. For me personally, taking on the advice from you wonderful lot, talking to my friends and not being afraid to say what has actually been going on throughout our relationship. Then I finally booked my acupuncture sessions and I really felt a shift in my energy and mental clarity. I was more grounded. He thought I was going for one reason, but it was for anxiety, overthinking, etc. I was amazed at how much better I felt in myself. I felt calmer than I have in a long time.
So now I think all the time I’m here it’s saving me money, but the more I stay the more I realise I just don’t love him like that anymore. I am fully aware of what he would be capable of and I just feel like it would be less scary leaving than being scared or uncomfortable in the place that meant to be your home. I am sure when it actually comes to take the leap, it will be terrifying, but I know I’m stronger than that. Does that make sense? Probably sounds crazy 😉 x
Thank you for all you do, to encourage and help and point us in the right direction. x
27th August 2021 at 11:50 am #130629AnonymousInactive
Soxy, being in an abusive situation will %100 change the way you feel about the person/persons, whether it’s friend, family or partner and it doesn’t sound crazy at all! When you’ve been trauma bonded, broken down and even the fear of what they’ll do if you leave can make you feel like the outside world is a scary place and staying would be safer, so we all understand 💜💙💛
24th August 2021 at 10:43 am #130508AnonymousInactive
Soxy Thank you so much for joining in the thread, your %100 not alone and your certainly not bonkers, but gaslighting, mind games and being pathologically lied to can certainly make you feel that way, the freedom course was huge for me wouldn’t have been aware of my family’s and relationships,if I’d not gone to that, you tube videos and google educated me also, I’m glad there are changes in your relationship, I do hope it stays that way, and if not your forearmed with the knowledge and who and what to seek out if you want to leave,💖💜💛
24th August 2021 at 4:36 pm #130520Wants To HelpParticipant
My healing journey was helped by having people around me and my son who understood our situation and wanted to help us/went out of their way to help us. I will always be grateful to those who went above and beyond all expectations to make sure we were okay.
In return, I have tried to do the same. I have read up and learned about domestic abuse in my personal time, been on accredited courses in my professional life, worked with victims, volunteered my time to help others and found that helping others meant my experiences were not wasted. I have turned a negative in to a positive. I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I have not been on this journey, and I am actually proud of who I am today. 🙂
I love to continue to learn about DA from various sources. I learn lots from the variety of advice on here and from the experiences of you all and take it on board. I enjoy watching self help videos and ways to continue to better myself and what to be aware of in future relationships. My current favourite is watching Matthew Hussey on YouTube – if you’ve not heard of him he’s worth checking out (the fact he’s drop dead gorgeous helps too!) Actually, he’s my ideal man… if only…
24th August 2021 at 5:55 pm #130526AnonymousInactive
Wants to help, I don’t know you but I think I love you everything you posted was sooooo beautiful I nearly started bawling 😢 it’s exactly what I want to do too, when I get a good hold of my fibromyalgia (brought on by revenge porn taken without my consent and knowledge) and stalking and harassment, i will be doing something to help others, your so lovely, Thank you for posting, your an inspiration to survivors 💗🌸🌈💜💙
24th August 2021 at 11:31 pm #130555Wants To HelpParticipant
Bless you and thank you Auriel. You are already doing something to help others by posting on here 🙂
I have a couple of friends who suffer with fibro too so I know how debilitating this can be some days, so you look after you first and foremost and enjoy your own recovery to happiness x
25th August 2021 at 8:35 am #130565AnonymousInactive
Wants to help, thank you sweets 💖💖💖
25th August 2021 at 12:22 pm #130571EyesopeningParticipant
Hi all, Lovely idea,
Here are mine:
– The amazing supportive women on this forum. I truly have gained so much insight, strength and knowledge from you and I am so so grateful.
– Books & YouTube to educate myself on abuse.
– Acknowledging all the tactics he used, identifying them, knowing what his aim was with every incident, starting to Grey Rock. Acknowledging the abuse and realizing the nice guy act was the same person.
– Keeping a journal (Containing how I felt, not just the events – extremely important)
– Reading self help books
– Eating well, sleeping as well as I could, generally looking after myself as best as possible.
– Doing gentle exercise like walking & yoga, not pushing myself.
– Taking my attention off him and onto myself, doing things I enjoy, watching things I like, treating myself, getting back to me, my hobbies, my interests.
– Contacting WA and my Local DA services.
– Gaining support from friends and family, knowing I was not alone. Realizing that even though he said ‘Go out, see people’. I has still been isolated.
– Taking some time off work. Leaving was not possible whilst I kept working. The first 4 tries I thought I could just keep working at the same time. Not possible. 2 and half weeks was the bare minimum since leaving to take off.. More would have been better. But I am trying to take it easy and I am trying to gain the courage to also tell my manager.
My Next Steps to recovery:
– I want to start telling friends and family the real story (and my manager)
– Time and rest to heal
– Reconnect with hobbies I stopped
– Be completely no contact (nearly there)
27th August 2021 at 8:45 pm #130659
Hope you dont mind me asking but whats grey rock?
28th August 2021 at 7:43 am #130677EyesopeningParticipant
Hey, it’s about being as non responsive as a rock.
Not letting their tactics
get a rise out of you. Not reacting. Dr Ramani has a vid on it you can check it out xx
25th August 2021 at 3:50 pm #130578AnonymousInactive
Eyespoenig thank you so much for joining in the thread your so brave getting ready to tell people what happened, I know it’s not easy , the more you tell the people the easier it gets and yes the ladies on the forum are a lovely little bunch, I thought I might a couple of responses on the thread but the responses have been amazing, I’ve loved reading all the different things you’ve all done some similar and some different, it’s been brilliant! Lots + lots of love to you too 💖🌸💜
27th August 2021 at 3:45 pm #130634iliketeaParticipant
[Posted this in answer to someone’s post but thought might be useful here].
I listened to Shannon Thomas in secret on Audible and it was life changing for me. I still go back to it to remember and remind myself. Getting over it will take time, and learning about what you’ve experienced. There will be a lot of unpacking to do. Especially if you were together for years. Have you contacted your local domestic abuse charity? See if you can have trauma counselling. That should be available to you. If not there, ask your GP, or self refer via talking therapies. Also search your local area and see if any places offer reduced rate or free counselling sessions, some are at the moment to women who have experienced DA, as they recognise the impact Covid has had.
Have you tried running or cycling? Either could help with your palpitations, which are possibly due to anxiety. Something that gets the blood going and endorphins will really help. I’ve experienced that too. Listen to a funny podcast or something educational about DA, either I found made the time go really quickly and made it 100% worth it.
Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? That could help you too, joining a group of other women to learn about DA, the different aspects of it and to have support locally. Some are back to running face-to-face groups, some are online.
And post here, ask ANY question, someone will answer, and usually really quickly. Search through old posts.
Things that have helped:
1) Educating myself about Domestic Abuse, N********m, Co-Dependency, Trauma, Parts Therapy and trauma bonding
2) Getting all the professional support possible – from Domestic Abuse Charity, IDVA, GP, counselling, talking therapies, school, work, solicitor, police etc
3) Podcasts – short ones on DA by Caroline Strawson, bitesize about all different aspects, eye opening, down to earth. I’d say don’t be tempted to join any of her paying groups as its all there on the podcasts for free 🙂
4) Exercise – Exercise and eating properly have both really helped.
5) Getting out into nature, gardening, anything like that, away from people, to ground yourself.
6) I’m slowly realising that I have a lot of very similar n**********c/abusive friends in my life, not on such an extreme level as my ex but in very similar ways, make me feel the same, i behave the same around them – so, as lots of people here have said they have done too – I am slowly de-toxing them too.
7) Self care – self love – looking after yourself, treating yourself, however small, every day. Something nice. To make you feel worthy, because you are.
8) Journaling every day, and also write it all out, your experience with him, I did this for the legal part, a historical time-line, it can be scary to see it on paper, but it is also very therapeutic, eye-opening. It will really help to get it out of your head. And you can refer back to it in the future if you ever feel you are wobbling and questioning yourself “Was it that bad really?”.
9) LEARNING ABOUT BOUNDARIES – this has been the number one helpful thing to me on this healing journey, I had not a clue about them, how they worked, what they are, why we need them.
Stay strong, it will get better, you will feel like you’ve moved on soon, life will feel safe and happy and secure. Take small steps. Put yourself at the centre of a protected golden circle with your children in there too. And guard that circle very carefully and monitor who you let in and who you don’t. You will be ok, big hug. x*x
27th August 2021 at 3:50 pm #130635iliketeaParticipant
Forgot the most important one – NO CONTACT!!!
Our Family Wizard and there are other non-payment Parenting Apps, or a willing and able Third Party who is totally on your side.
You don’t need direct contact with an abuser to Parallel Parent – Remember it is IMPOSSIBLE to Co-Parent with someone who abused you. Impossible. May be one day when they have found a new victim but they will probably always want to find a way to Control you as you have left and got, as they see it, one over on them by escaping!
27th August 2021 at 8:24 pm #130651AnonymousInactive
Thankyou I liketea, I was on number one day and night so much it got heavy, but worth it, now I don’t need to learn I just need to avoid those types, and number 6 is so clear when you become aware, for me it’s been like swimming in a pool of sharks, unfortunately those sharks have included my own family, I started putting the dots together and realised how much they’d been influencing people around them and me, twisting facts blame shifting and downright lying, all in the name of one up man ship, ego preservation and secret keeping attempts for downright evil behaviour and yep I agree, no contact all the way it felt like and still feels like I’ve had the best bath ever! Thank you for your post 💛🧡❤️
5th November 2023 at 2:00 am #162915StrongLifeParticipant
– High amount of professional workers ie social worker, counselling, Drs, various agencies
– help from social connections
2nd December 2023 at 4:43 pm #163731SportygirlParticipant
I’m new to the realisation that I’m living with an abuser. I honestly don’t have the will power to eat well all the time, I’m depressed, and very isolated, no friends, no family. I really want to start healing on the inside while I’m still here with the abuser for now. I want to learn assertiveness skills, how to have boundaries etc. Even though I’ll only use these skills outside the relationship for now, so as not to escalate, it’s vital that I do. It’s one thing to know I need them but how do I learn them? I never ever want to go through this again.
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