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So I just realised I don’t know what a healthy, normal argument looks like.
We always hear “oh, but every couple argues”.
Yes , but they don’t end up with a black eye, or being verbally abused and being put down all the time.
And I’m wondering, maybe because we don’t know what a normal argument looks like, then we are at risk of going into relationships with the same pattern.
I’m not out of this marriage yet, but was wondering.
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To me an argument is about calmly explaining your point of view, then listening as the other person does the same. Then together as a team, you come up with a solution or fair compromise.
It is not about winning, raising voices and someone having to be wrong.
The Devil did not understand when I tried to take this approach, he just gave me the silent treatment instead. Nothing got resolved and you end up feeling like you don’t matter. I had more luck resolving things with a tree.
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Yes, thanks for your input.
Here it’s been either silent treatment, gaslighting, insults. He never raised his voice though. But he’s making his rage and anger very clear.
Having said that he’s been on his best behaviour for a while now. And it does make me doubt myself even more.Having been in this relationship for decades, I wonder if I was to be in another one (one can still dream!) if I would be able to differentiate or fall again for that.
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childish behaviour and abuse don’t belong in healthy arguments. It’s about listening, and being able to put your own opinion forward without fear. I would imagine that in a new future relationship you would have to go through that fear barrier to realise there was nothing to fear in expressing your view, and how pleasant that someone heard it without trying to deny it, shout it down and various other tactics that you have become used to.
This would be a good tactic for testing any new relationships, and yourself, being brave enough after what you have experienced to disagree with a new partner, and watch their response, it will tell you all you need to know about them.
Takes some undoing, decades of experiencing abuse, but at least it can be over quickly once you completely separate and cut off from him in every conceivable way.
warmest wishes
ts
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This is a fantastic queation. Thank you for asking iys one I struggle with. Mine is on week 4 of niceness bit there has been some wobbles which I am trying to pick through. When I say no to sex he now doesnt get nasty anymore but he still gets stroppy, sulks moans, he refused a hug unless it came with sex and is hardly talking to me. I have tried and tried to talk to him to explain how i feel but he wont listen. I am telling myself this is ok its a normal man response to lack of sex its been 2 weeks so he is getting frustrated. All men would be right? I have nobody else to compare him too so I also find it hard like you. Trying to pick our way through each day is tough eh? Stay safe sweetie xx
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After a lifetime of abusive relationships I also don’t know what a healthy argument is like. Conflicts make me feel uneasy. I’m currently feeling dreadful after criticism at work, trying to process it with lots of self care.
I’m now in a relationship with a lovely person and it is so strange not to have shouty smacky parents or an emotionally and sexually abusive bully. It’s a refreshing and pleasant change.
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