What is abuse to you and what are the effects?

[ISOPeace]

Hi ladies,

There are (understandably) lots of posts on here asking whether they are experiencing abuse. I thought it would be interesting to start a thread for us to share how we would describe/define abuse. Just a few words or sentences. Don’t worry about trying to make it perfect, I think collectively we’d end up with a pretty good reference point.

I thought it would also be good to share the effects, because so many of us wonder if what’s happening to us is normal.

So for me:

Domestic abuse is….
– invalidating my thoughts, feelings and boundaries
– using threats, intimidation and manipulation to make me put his needs ahead of mine and at the same time make me feel like it’s all my fault
– using threats, intimidation and manipulation to ensure that he has the ultimate power/authority in the relationship

The effects of domestic abuse for me…
– total lack of trust in my own judgement
– fear of asserting boundaries in and out of the relationship
– generally poor executive functioning (organisational skills, time management etc)
– believing there’s something wrong with me and if I tried harder things would be ok (until I learnt about abuse)
– feeling overwhelmed
– feeling like there must be something wrong with me to have taken so long to leave (until I learnt about trauma bonds)
– huge exacerbation of anxiety

I’m sure there are more but I’ll stop there. xxxx

[Emptybutfree]

I’m going to explain my experience of abuse… then if others are unsure or whether or not they’re being abused can see if they can relate.

Abuse comes in many forms but my experiences are…

– feeling inferior
– feelings of self doubt
– being made to feel as though I’m crazy
– being made to feel my instincts are incorrect or invalid
– given the silent treatment (usually as punishment)
– at times being discarded when I asked him to self reflect on his behaviour
– unable to express my view or opinion
– if my views or opinions are expressed to expect to be assaulted
– walking on eggshells and surrendering to my ex’s hurtful actions and behaviour
– blaming my ex’s behaviour on myself
– thoughts that if I was a better person/partner, I wouldn’t be treated this way
– after violent assaults, being made to feel as though this would never of happened if I’d of acted in a different way.
– finding myself apologising just for the peace or so that he didn’t leave me
– feelings of uncertainty and instability

These are my personal experiences, I know everyone is completely different and it doesn’t make it any less or more abusive.

If we know they are treating us badly, if we feel bad about ourselves, if we are second guessing behaviour, there’s a very strong chance it’s abuse and it doesn’t need to be tolerated xx

[nbumblebee]

I still cant use the word abuse it doesnt feel right.
Im here because my husband
Says nasty hurtful things about how i look and dress
Never has a nice word to say about me
Belittles me in front of friends
.akes me feel so guilty i can never go on a night out without him as its just not worth the hassle
Constantly picks at me all the time little tiny digs that go on and on
He wont let me work without him
He shouts and has terrible mood swings
He ignores me often
He hates the word no when it comes to sex and often gets nasty if i say it
He does nice things only if he gets sex in return
He is selfish
He accuses me on having affairs every single day
He makes me feel so bad i self harm.

The effect on ne
I hate myself
I hate my life
Im sad all the time
Im a mess
Im scared to do anything without him
I worry all day every day
I feel guilty all the time
I walk on eggshells everyday.

[ladiesand gentlemen]

All of the above

[Eggshells]

Belittling the things I like, the things I do and the things I say.

Telling me that I wouldn’t have done as well if it wasn’t for his help and support (there was no help and support – would have been easier without him)

Mind bending gas lighting.

Constant coercion into demeaning sex, when that didn’t work then rape.

If I tried to make a decision he didn’t like then going through all the potential negative effects so that I became terrified to make any decision.

Lies, false accusations and more lies.

Clenched fists, clenched jaw, aggressive tones, the look in his eyes, humming songs with covert meaning. (That was a good one, he could do it in public and no-one but me knew!)

Nice in public, nasty in private. The switch could be instant.

Turning on the charm when he sensed he was losing me. A gradual, creeping towards the nasty.

[Anonymous]

Abuse:-
-Total control over everything, even had to stand on exact spot he said and my opinion had to be same as his;
-isolation and refusal to allow me to attend medical appointments;
– Set times and began to count down if children and I getting close to deadline;
-Coercion. Intimidation and threats of leaving, withdrawing support, refusal allow me to eat, threat of physical violence, eruptions of uncontrollable temper. Everything punished, fined for breaing his rules or abandoned far from home without belongings;
-Gaslighting. Every incident rewritten and fictitious account presented to me repeatedly as fact. Told I mad and neurotic if doubted his version;
-Moved goalposts without telling me but expected me to comply with changed arrangements even if I did not know them;
-Insults, belittling and contempt. Public humiliation. Called neurotic, hopeless and mad;
-Public outbursts of screaming, swearing and threats drawing crowds;
-Never stood up to him. Instinctively knew it was a very bad idea to fight back;
-If he was in a good mood then I walked on eggshells, pre empting any triggers, acquiescing and making him happy;
-If triggered then even one look could cause terror, couldnt speak properly, visibly shook and trembled inside, then acquiesced and placated fast;
Summary – tyrant and terror

Effect
During relationship- constant terror or fog. Life about survival. Woke every morning wondering if that day was day I would die and felt resigned to this; stress, anxiety, depressive episodes;
Since end relationship- anxiety, health anxiety, PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, no confidence nor self esteem, cry at slightest issue, overwhelmed, paralysed with indecision, analyse and reanalyse my every move to check I have not done something wrong, doubt my judgement and ask everyone for reassurance, phobias, difficulty concentrating, multiple mistakes in basic tasks, curl up and cry when faced with conflict, cannot face meeting people,aged considerably. Multiple therapeutic interventions needed.
Summary – an intelligent, professional woman reduced to a shell of her former self

[Eyesopening]

Oh Marmot, I’m so sorry even after leaving it is still such a struggle. I wish for you to recover and find yourself again ❤️
This is a good idea Isopeace and quite hard, makes you think, I’m not 100% confident with all the terms, but a good exercise.

My experience:
Total love bombing and adoration one moment,
The next moment belittling comments, ridiculing alone and infront of friends/family, name calling, minimizing my thoughts and feelings,
= complete and utter CONFUSION & exhaustion
= trauma bonded – he who abuses me is the one who consoles me
-Being lied to blatantly (‘i have never been there’ / – i know he has as he paid with my credit card there)
– being treated like an idiot, me: why did you spend money on my card and not tell me?
Him:‘Because you’ll see it on your statement’
-Gaslighting – ‘I didn’t say that’
/ ‘You have been there’
-Being SCARED of him, his reactions, what he is capable of.
-Being his SLAVE/maid/mum
– not being able to tell him anything, feeling lonely. Feeling like my feelings should be swept under the rug. Better to avoid confrontation, he has taught me well – never stand up for yourself or standup to him or you’ll be sorry.
– living with an alcoholic/drug addict
-Being financially taken advantage of
-Being told I’m not good at relationships as i should show him more love
-My body is his to do as he pleases – have a child / dont have a child / dont complain if i hurt you
-My life is his to do as he pleases – ‘we are doing this’, ‘we are doing that’ ‘we are moving there’
–

[Lottieblue]

I have been thinking about this thread since it was first posted. If I had to put it in a nutshell, it would be “Power over”. That’ what abuse is. For some people it’s physical, for others it’s sexual, sometimes financial. And/or. But I think for everyone it’s about Power. For me, I’m not sure there are many things that are that bad on their own, as one-offs. But yes, it’s how it made me feel (still does, even though I’ve left). For many years, I was made to feel like I didn’t matter, like my opinion was irrelevant, like I was a slave. I eventually started trying to pretend that I wasn’t there in order not to attract attention to myself and my inadequacies. I lost my core, my soul, my very sense of being. I wanted to stop existing, because I wasn’t allowed to exist as an individual, I was only allowed to be what he shaped me to be. Subservient.

Now, I am out. I was incredibly strong and incredibly brave and I still can’t believe I did it. And he maintains that I left with no warning and no explanation. I am amazed at what I have started to find – a new me, or is it the old me? He thinks he did nothing wrong but he destroyed me… almost but not quite.

[DinkyHorse]

I can relate to and agree with a lot if not all the above comments so sorry if I repeat.

-One minute being fine then all of a sudden boom into an argument about the smallest things (and I mean really pathetic), and not letting things go before asking me a billion questions about why I did/did not do something or why I did it that way, causing me to become upset and really angry about why he’s being so pedantic.
-Controlling what I eat by making little comments about my breath after eating certain foods or making me feel guilty about eating junk food.
-Controlling when I go to bed/sleep (waking me up every time I fall asleep in front of the tv, sometimes in really rude ways, nudging, tutting, slapping)
-Controlling what I do by asking me what I’m doing every time I go on my phone. Making comments about me being boring when I read, making me feel guilty for doing anything that doesn’t involve him e.g. going for walks, meeting friends or family
-Threatening self harm
-Controlling how much I work by making me feel guilty for working too much
-Being funny with me if I don’t text while I’m at work
-Is very negative about anything I say/suggest
-Silent treatment (think the record was three days)
-Having an answer for everything, no matter how right I think I am, in some way I’ll be wrong so I’m the one that ends up apologising
-Being slave/maid/mum as I do everything and everything is my responsibility
-Getting the blame for absolutely EVERYTHING, not always directly but making me feel like things are my fault
-Gaslighting
-Being made to feel stupid when he uses words he knows I won’t know the meaning of

Effects-
-Making me feel inferior/less important (Often feeling like a little kid being told off during arguments/a naughty dog that’s raided the rubbish bin, skulking up to owner with tail between legs when I apologise)
-making me feel like my wants/needs are not as important
-Making me feel like I can’t make my own decisions
-Sleep deprivation
-Less productive at work
-Not wanting to go home
-Dreading time off work
-Constant guilt
-Feeling like I can’t talk to him about anything, hiding things, lying, avoiding telling him things because of his opinionated negativity
-Wishing I’d never met him
-Imagining my life without him

I could go on for days!!

[ISOPeace]

Wow, thanks for your replies ladies. I found them so moving. I hadn’t really thought about how I’d feel reading your replies and I’m a bit taken by surprise by feeling so sad. I guess it shows how easy it is to put the reality of abuse in a box. I’m a believer in the ‘you have to feel to heal’ approach to healing, so thank you all for bringing up feelings that I needed to feel. xxxx

[DinkyHorse]

…Oh thought of another big one
-I instantly just say no to things (work related or social) that I want to say yes to because I just know it’s not worth the hassle, he won’t like it, won’t agree, won’t want me to etc.

[Keepbeingbrave]

Abuse to me was the following:
Physical abuse (especially after he had drank) strangling, slapping, banging my head against walls, gripping my face, biting my mouth, pushing me over, throwing things at me.
Emotional abuse: I had to tell him where I was at all times, I couldn’t socialise with other people unless he was with me, I had to wait at home until he came back from work for me to go out, comparing me to his ex, commenting on my appearance, it was ugly, too thin. Name calling, insults. Telling me how my failed relationships were my fault…the list goes on.
Controlling abuse: checking my Facebook, checking if my friend lists had increased or decreased, checking comments and likes. Installing a camera in my home, coming into my work place to watch me at work, dictating who I could speak to, how I could behave. How I could dress, if I could dye my hair, paint my nails, how I could dress. How I conducted myself…the list goes on.

The effect this had on me was absolutely horrific.
I went from an outgoing social happy girl to an absolute shell of the girl I used to be.
I used to look at the floor, wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone.
I was a prolific liar when it came to injuries, when I had struggled to lie before in my life. I was constantly over explaining my actions to justify them and prove I was telling the truth.
Saying sorry all the time.
Nightmares
Anxiety
Anger issues
Self doubt
Desperation
Depression
Pts
Panic attacks

An abusive relationship leaves a huge amount of scars. And I think although everyone’s story is different. The men that cause this are the same.

[Hereforhelp]

I have left him only a few months ago, today the self doubt came into my head, is it me? Am I mad and just don’t know it? Would everyone be happier if I got back with him?

Abuse… Maid, servant, sex used as currency for him to be nicer and then I could go out as he had marked me. Told not to drink alcohol.

Telling me my clothes were too revealing and getting angry/moody.

Physically made himself bigger, wouldn’t let me pass, held my child down as a show of strength, laughed at me, called me mad until I repeated it all the time as I believe it and possibly still do doubt my head. I can go on but I don’t wish to.

I was a happy, bright, intelligent, confident woman.

Being nice and kind then angry and intimidating for no reason. Telling me what I thought he said wasn’t right as ‘you know I get my words mixed up’ Gaslighting!

I am now a nervous wreck full of self doubt. I do not trust my judgements, I am often sad and zoning out, anxiety, ptsd, depression… I am not the same person, yet!

[Whyohwhy]

To me it was living with Jekyll and Hyde, one moment he seemed like my soulmate like he really understood me, the next moment he’d be ignoring me for something but I’d never know what. I was made to have an abortion early in our relationship even though he knew I was really against it, I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. Later in our relationship I went on to have several miscarriages and wasn’t allowed to tell anyone so had to deal with it all alone. Then when I fell pregnant with my daughter I had to conceal it for the first (detail removed by Moderator) months and wasn’t allowed to buy anything till she was almost due.
I was rarely allowed to visit family and when I did put my foot down I would be expected home by a certain time which was never long enough. If I was longer he would be calling me to find out why I am late. He would also drive past to check where I am and who else is there.
He would never come to family with me, so I would usually reject invites to anything knowing it would cause trouble.
I was always being told if I was putting on weight, told my clothes were too low cut, too tight, too revealing. It even got to the point that he would question why I was having a bath or washing my hair.
We always watched what he wanted to watch, listened to his music, went to places he wanted to go, ate what he wanted to eat.
I did all the housework and cooking which went unnoticed, but the jobs he did everyone knew about.
I wasn’t able to have friends in all the years I was with him.
The results of all this was constantly walking on eggshells.
Changing myself to be the person he wanted to be although he still wasn’t happy.
Being alone in times of emotional crisis.
Losing conversational skills from not talking to many people.
Having a feeling of dread every time I see his car or when the phone rings.
Still feeling like I have to please him even though we aren’t together.
Then there’s the lack of social skills in my daughter and also he now talks about her weight (she is perfectly average) and her clothes.

[Author]

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