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    • #78708
      KIP.
      Participant

      My mum always gave us daughters a wedding anniversary card with £ in it every year. After my ex was arrested and I was divorced she gave me a card with £ on my Anniversary with ‘happy divorce’ written. I’ve excused her behaviour for years and my sister says it’s her old age but surely this is in very poor taste. This is the woman who puts a photo including my ex on display in a relatives care home room. Am I only just recognising dysfunctional behaviour or am I too sensitive? Like my ex would always say.

    • #78716
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      All I know is I would never say ‘happy divorce ‘ to my daughter with a card on that day. The money could be given to you without the card and those days. I think its insensitive behaviour as your mum knows that you got married presuming, hoping and trusting your marriage would work out but unbeknown to you at the time you had been ensnared by an abuser so it could never work out with all the best will in the world. You’d have rather not divorced but you had no option.

      Also if it was me I would not display a photo which included my daughter’s ex especially knowing the cruel way he treated her as your mother well knows.

    • #78721
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      This could be viewed either way i think. I really does depend on the intent on the person doing it.

      I would have enjoyed the thought from friends and family, feeling bouyed up by their thoughts rather than being left alone with the often sort of bereftness that can follow divorce especially on an anniversary.

      If i found it weird,i think id be asking about it to find out what the feeling behind it is.

      Ask her?

      If shes doing it from a good place, would that gange it for you? I dont think its unheard of to ‘celebrate’ a divorce and try to put a positive spin on it.

      I do think its quite insensitive to be puttingup pictures with an abuser in them?!? Maybe shes one of many that really dont understand or get it. The trauma you have suffered has not really got through to her?

      Again,maybe make it even more clear what youve suffered, if you want, or don’t. Its all up to you now to make your choices. Good luck with them, and sorry to hear of your experiences, it is a positive its over, that you are now legally apart from him and hope you can go from strength to strength in moving on.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #78729
      maddog
      Participant

      I don’t think you’re being too sensitive at all. It is a horror to see a pic of your abusive ex when you visit your relative in a care home. It is at best insensitive especially if you are expected to visit. Families can be complex and murky. I know that my own family of origin is spectacularly dysfunctional and a place of hell to grow up in although from the outside it looked ideal. People don’t change unless they have brain melt like dementia or another serious disease.

      Are you able to see her behaviour in the context of other things growing up that upset or perplexed you?

      Are you able to speak to her about it? I know that often this is really out of the question and it’s so difficult to find a kind way of saying it hurts. Your anniversary may be a date that is stuck in her mind and she’s trying to soften the blow.

      My ex was threatening to out me to my family about our divorce so I told them. It was pretty awful having to do it under threat. My ex laid into them anyway.

      I’m sorry you’re being triggered by your mum’s behaviour. It is so positive that you are allowing yourself to be angry. Bide your time and put it into the context of what came before and hopefully, hopefully your mum is meaning no harm.

    • #78732
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi KIP,
      I think it does indeed depend on the intent behind the gesture, but with the photopgraph I have to say that’s a big pill to swallow. Some of the horrendous things he did to you.. you shouldn’t have to ever worry about seeing his face let alone on a photograph when visiting a relative, in my opinion at least.
      I think it’s so admirable that you know those of us who have been abused can become more sensitive to some things than others and we can certainly explain why those things can be hurtful to us, but I also think that those who claim to care about us, would know that this might be upsetting or at least broach the subject before putting a photopgraph of a horrible man up for display? I think it sounds like a boundary you are building, and I think it shows your strength rather than sensitivity. As the other ladies have suggested on here, try and broach the subject even if she didn’t and see if the photograph can be understood by her. Then perhaps talk with her about her motives behind sending the cards. I truly hope there is no ill will behind any of her actions as you have suffered enough.

    • #78735
      fizzylem
      Participant

      It’s difficult to see the intentions behind her actions; but I use the rule of the thumb ‘if it’s not ok for me it’s not ok’, guess then you need to ask do I want/need to do anything about it yes or no x

    • #78736
      KIP.
      Participant

      Thanks again. I pointed out the hurt of the picture in front of her and she slammed it upside down like it was my problem. The pic then disappeared for several months but it back now 😭

    • #78737
      KIP.
      Participant

      I remember reading something about the only regret I have is allowing abusers to stay in my life for as long as I did. I won’t do that again. Even if she is my mum she’s already thrown in my face the financial and emotional support she gave me. Guess there’s not much point in discussions. Just keep my distance.

    • #78745
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Yeah, it’s likely ingrained whatever it is; I have difficulties with my mum too – I find I am always best to ‘not step into the crazy’, don’t get embroilled or emotionally tangled in it. I will challenge her sometimes if needed, you had to say something about the photo didnt you, but yeah, is it really worth it with the card. Clear, firm boundaries at arms length works for me x

    • #78751
      KIP.
      Participant

      Just back from my therapy. She thinks I married my mother. Don’t know whether to laugh or 😢 cry.

    • #78756
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear KIP

      Her response was an angry one for whatever reason, and although responding to your words resented doing so. She put her picture bac up despite knowing it upset you, which is hurtful ad shows lack of compassion yet she was there to see the harm he caused and supported you through sme dark times. She clearly thinks you should be over it now; i thought id be over it so many years later, but im not. I think if i hadnt gone through this i might expect someone else to recover quicker and move on. I feel bad that i would hear his mother talking so badly of his father, that i had little knowledge of, and felt awkward because she would rant in front of her now partner. Im not sure shes over it even now, or might ever be. I would find it extremely trigering to see his ugly mug up anywhere.

      You have good strong boundaries now, you know what you need. She doesn’t.

      Warmest wishes

      KS

    • #78774
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I think because we tolerate s**t from a parent we are more likely to not spot the signs in our partners because with somethings it seems normal or familiar to us, so we don’t question it, e.g. having our boundaries disrespected and trampled. I learnt from my mother to be fiercly independant, overly self sufficient, to always put others first and to neglect the self. I also had no voice for many years x

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