What is wrong with me!

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’ve chatted about it, I’ve read about it, I know it’s abuse.

I grew up in it, promised myself never to put my own children through it even myself.

I know my kids are affected and all of us have anxiety and mental health issues.

So what’s wrong with me?

I post on here, my kids, my mum all say it’s wrong even if they don’t identify with it actually being abuse.

So why don’t I get him to go, why do I stay and why do I except what has happened and carry on?

Will I ever g be real away?

I’m at a point where I feel I’m loosing support as it’s same old song I’m singing but doing nothing about it.

I did try few years back several times.

What’s made it harder is it’s less obvious from getting drunk and calling me names or being horrible to me, to now being critical but with justification in his eyes. He’s says he’s no longer abusing anyone as he doesn’t drink and do those things anymore. But his moods and reactions are the problem.

The way he treats our two eldest kids is not right.

He says our relationship is normal and I should start each day fresh, not hold a grudge. But when your hurting?

I’m scared to get help as I feel guilty I feel that it’s bad but there is worse, I can’t except that the man I’ve spent half my life with is not my soul mate.

Please share your experiences x

[nbumblebee]

Hey, Listen theres nothing wrong with you nothing at all. Im sitting here in my car as i dont wanna go home in case my husband is there ive had a nice morning at (detail removed by moderator) and i knkw if hes home i will be in trouble for going.
See im here still too, all my kids have anxiety ive ruined their lives by staying for decades i didnt see then but i do now but still i stay.
I still believe he will change that I can change him. I dont love him but i wont leave i cant i wont. Silly eh? Everything you are feeling I feel too and I know we are certainly not the only ones.
You are not alone we have got you.
I also feel alone as if im losing support i only have one person out here that knows and he has stopped asking stopped checking in on me which hirts so much I am now alone totally trying to deal with this apart from the ladies on here, who are amazing. I have no advise they will do Im sure you should listen to them, read posts on here read books suggeated arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can to help you live and cope with this. Maybe one day you will feel strong enough to reach out and gain support from womans aid its just a phone call and can be a real lifeline i believe. People keep telling me that we dont have to live like this we can change our lives if we are brave enough to take those steps no matter how small they are no matter how long it takes us. Break things down into small baby steps then one by one take those steps.
But sweetie there really is nothing at all wrong with you. You are hurt and you are fighting and you are doing what you can to stay upright to stay safe and you are doing a great job.
Sending hugs x

[Ariadne]

Hi, Chocolatebunnie!

I would say it is concerning that he says to start each day fresh. It seems to me that it is a way for him to not take accountability for his actions and their impact on you. Imagine he abused you every day – would he then expect you to just pretend like nothing had happened the next? That is him not wanting to look in the “mirror”, i.e. not wanting to see the impact of his actions on you.

On top of that, him denying his abuse and now enacting it with justification or a greater sense of entitlement is a sign that he is increasingly objectifying you, so that he can ignore your pain and still feel fine about himself. That is what I am most concerned about here. Substance abuse does not make an abuser, though it might simply make him feel like he has an excuse or feel less inhibited to show the feelings and behaviour that were always a part of him.

My ex had a phase where he abused alcohol somewhat. He’d get home from work and have at least 2 big bottles of beer, trying to numb whatever pain or stress he had from the day. Eventually, and luckily, changing circumstances in our lives made him quit on his own. But I never noticed a difference between the before, the during and the after of his substance abuse. I think it’s a great step from your partner to deal with his alcohol issue, but to end abuse it does not stop there. Nor is alcohol the scapegoat.

So I would say that you should keep considering the effects that his behaviour is having on you and the children, and seek support, as it seems like it might just get worse from what you are indicating in this post.

All the best, and take care of yourself x

[Bananaboat]

Nothing is wrong with you!

We have ALL asked ourselves this question and many of us still are. We aren’t dealing with rational people, we can’t have two-way ‘normal’ conversations and reach mutual decisions. We know we won’t be allowed to just pack up and go, and know he won’t go.

It’s also not consistent behaviour if he was drinking and horrible everyday it would feel easier, but I bet it’s interlaced with good days which give us hope and our brain goes well…. We are addicted to the highs/lows chemically and we are programmed to survive. You’re not intentionally hurting your kids, I bet you try to shield them!

It’s a journey to leave these relationships with many highs and lows, you are NOT a bad person, you’re a strong, kind and caring one who is trying to achieve a happy home but with a parasite invasion.x

[Everhopeful321]

This is just so how I feel – it’s there in front of me, I can see it slowly breaking me, my children but I stay because I can’t bear the thought of what me leaving will do to him, how I feel it will ruin his life. I have the same conversations with my mum, in my head all the time but feel paralysed when it comes to taking action. It’s like I’m holding onto an ideal of what could be, what things could be like but I know rationally that things have never been that way and never will be. It’s just overwhelming sometimes, you seem to feel this too – but this space feels to me like somewhere that it’s ok to feel like this, it’s ok for decisions/actions to take time x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Think we can all relate to each other here then.

I’ve got to get out, my eldest got pushed out of the family home, not his child.

Now it’s ‘our’ eldest who is getting it all. My eldest has complex needs and confronted my husband with they way he was talking to them, it escalated and my eldest was told by their dad that they are the aggressive one and everyone agrees.

I just freeze, trying to make sense of it all and feel so guilty. I feel so guilty I’ve not gone through with getting out previously when I had tried.

My child says if I don’t do Something I’m as bad as my husband and I know they’re right.

I’m petrified of my next moves.

I thinking about how I will get him to leave, kids don’t want to stay with him due to their needs they should stay out so husband needs to leave. We rent council how does this work?

I will miss the good times

I am scared for my youngest children, no dad living with them, but he’s irresponsible so I’m concerned about him having them weekends etc.

Do many things I’m scared of, money, benefits, repairs to the home. Running the car, parenting just everything.

I’m frightened I will never meet another person to share my life with and if I do I will make wrong choices

If it was physical the abuse then people would say get him out. As it’s emotional I feel people won’t understand, it’s sexual I can’t tell, financial then I should be working (I can’t due to kids needs)

[nbumblebee]

You will be believed abuse is abuse end of.
All i can advise is to call or email womans aid talk to someone who can guide you give you options tell you what options you have with regards to him leaving they really do know their stuff and you will always be believed however if you are worried at first you dont even have to give your real name or details just reach out and talk to someone who can and will help you.
Its hard I know i really do physical abuse leaves marks scars that others can see emotional abuse only we see only we feel however it doesnt make it any less hurtful you matter You deserve more.
Reach out grab some help x*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

I did it, made contact and now have a support practitioner who will be in touch. Felt horrible and felt good at the same time was genuinely frightened and shaking.

Thank you all for your support x*x

I need to do this for my children if not for myself. I found out my contact last time was overlooked when my support worker left her role. I’ve been thinking it might be because I wasn’t in a abusive relationship but that’s not why.

The lady I spoke with thinks I’m downplaying what’s happening due to conditioning, I agree it’s me coping.

It’s not going to be a quick fix but it’s a start.

[nbumblebee]

Wow wow wow how amazing are you?
A huge well done sweetie for taking such a huge step you really should be so proud of yourself.
I hope now you can open up accept more and get out heal and grow.
Sending you hugs xxxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you for your support huge hug to you too x*x

[Getting their 12]

I don’t know if I’m being abused my ex boyfriend who I still care about doesn’t care about me. I have been thier for him throughout the years whenever he needed me I was thief to listen to him when he spoke about his upbringing but when I need him he tells me it’s not a real problem or an adult problem I need to grow up it’s childish, or he says I don’t care. Which leaves me feeling very low and I feel like I’m a waste of space and time. When I told him that I didn’t like the way he spoke to me he blamed me and said I’m too sensitive and I’m always playing the victim and I’m ruining his day and it’s annoying him. Because of this I feel very low in mood, sad and I feel like I can’t breath his words stay with me am I being sensitive am I being childish? I don’t know what to think anymore?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Sort to hear this getting their 12

Your ex is dismissing your feelings, not supporting you. Red flags.

When you told him your problems he should have listened and shown he cares he did not instead he chose to put you down.

Keep posting and avoid your ex find people who are there for you and provide you with support and kindness, you’re worth so much more sweetheart x*x

[Getting their 12]

Thank you I will find people who support me is this classed as abuse or me being sensitive?

[Grey Rock]

It sounds emotionally abusive to me.

Have you read the Pat Craven book, Living With a Dominator? That might be a useful read for you. When we live with abusive people their behaviour becomes normalized and we become exhausted with tiptoing on eggshells trying to keep things calm, which is hard because they’re very difficult to please and the goalposts keep changing. Plus abuse is cyclical, so they might have bursts of lovely behaviour which we can’t enjoy because we’re waiting to crash back out of.

Take care. Xx

[searchingforhope]

Wow chocolatebunnie, huge step ringing, hope you get the reassurance you need now.
I know exactly how you feel. It’s exhausting and endless! But can’t find the strength to tell him go as I’m afraid to hurt the kids. Hiding it all from them, wondering am I imagining it all!
I’m too used to operating on auto-pilot and putting my head in the sand. Thinking for years, because I’m married and have kids, i’m stuck there now. This can’t be it though. There has to be more to life.
Take care of yourself. Keep talking, take baby steps!

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