This topic contains 49 replies, has 20 voices, and was last updated by  iliketea 22 hours, 19 minutes ago.

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  • #106273
     iliketea 
    Participant

    I’ve been thinking about this all day. This post isn’t thought out very well but I want to go to bed, my heart is racing, I’m feeling exhausted, another day of crazy b******* – I want to switch off. I’ve read a lot of the new posts today, and I always read the Getting Out posts too, because I’m there, on the doormat (literally and figuratively), ready to go…BUT im also waiting, I’m waiting for something to happen to make me go “Right, that’s it!” “THE RED LINE HAS BEEN CROSSED”.. BAM!!! <—thats the door slamming!

    From reading today, I’m realising that we all have different red lines….I’m feeling down on myself because my tolerance seems to be really low compared to a lot of women. I’m beating myself up because he hasn’t hit me (yet). Instead its emotional, psychological, coercive control abuse…and I don’t want to hang around anymore, its messing with my head and my mental health and my children’s and I don’t want to ever see this man again, he feels like a stranger to the one I first met, and I definitely don’t love him. I feel like I’m living with a psychopath but I’m not sure he’s really that bad compared to some of you amazing women’s perpetrators…

    That’s a weird contradiction isn’t it?

    So, I’m waiting for something to happen, I’m waiting for it to get worse…I might subconsciously be waiting for him to hit me which will give me the permission to leave..But what is that about? Is that permission from society? Is that patriarchy? What is it? I’m not scared of being alone. I have loads of experience of that. I’m not scared of single parenting. I pretty much do that now anyway, and come from a single parent family.

    That’s as far as my brain is going with this tonight.

    So what I’m trying to say, that’s my red line. What’s yours?
    Is it worth having a conversation about this? Why are they all so different? And does it matter?
    Night.x

  • #106277
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    @iliketea – My red line moment, or as I call it, my own personal boundary of what was acceptable, was always going to be the first time he left a mark on me. We’d been together for a very long time before that happened, and it all came together on the one night. He grabbed me round the throat, lifted me up off the floor, threw me to the floor causing bruising to my arm, then pulled some of my hair out. My son woke up to my screams and he was only a toddler and he started screaming out “mummy, mummy”. That was my boundary totally smashed down. That was the moment of no going back. That was the start of my FLIGHT to RECOVERY with refuge being not long after that.

  • #106282
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Oh my, you had to go and do this, didn’t you? My squirrels up in the attic are going bonkers over this one. Throwing nuts at each other, turning over furniture, locking the door on me, Arrrghhh! Even stopped up the toilet. Sooo, gears are turning…. smoke out my ears. I love it when you guys really show how very bright you are because you are bright. No one asks questions like most of you do that isn’t. One thing to know for sure is that people who are abusive – don’t ask questions like this. They don’t examine their navel at all. Don’t look in the mirror except to admire themselves. I have asked the question Am I crazy before and got the answer……..Crazy people don’t ask that question.

    Excellent post here! Love it! And hopefully we will get a myriad of answers because it’s not one size fits all. But I definitely think it’s one that has to be answered and put up on the wall to be seen and examined. Can’t examine something as crucial as this if we keep it hidden, right? Sleep well my pretty, sleep well, you’ve been a very busy girl today. Hugs!

    • #106353
       iliketea 
      Participant

      Ha the squirrels, that made me laugh!

  • #106287
     KIP. 
    Participant

    That red line keeps moving. You should ask yourself when was the red line first crossed. I bet it was a long time ago x

    • #106355
       iliketea 
      Participant

      Really good question KIP, and you’re so right, it should have been the first time he punched a hole in a wall…or didn’t pay a bill…or told me I was a bad driver…or “borrowed” money that never got returned….or lied and got found out…or didn’t comfort me when something serious happened…so many red lines.xx

  • #106293
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    My red line was comprised of many things – I just had too much evidence of who they really were vs who I thought they were or more importantly wanted/needed them to be. Add being in too much pain and it affecting my child when she was in the picture. Having an abusive father was involved in some ways. If I would see the man in my life using similar tactics and having the same M.O., I was done. Education and information played a huge role, too, plus just having nothing come my way but misery.

  • #106294
     Weepingwillow 
    Participant

    My red line has moved many
    Time’s over the years but I never find the courage to leave. I started anti depressants (detail removed by moderator) in the hope it would numb down my confusion and yet here I am. I wish I was strong

    • #106358
       iliketea 
      Participant

      My GP put me on them at the start of lockdown as I had been resisting them but I was in a really bad fog, and she insisted it would help me through the stress that was coming. She was 100% right I’m much much clearer in my thinking. It took about 4 weeks for them to work. Could you try and change them, or lower the dose? I thought it would have that effect of numbness too, but was really surprised it just helped and stopped the confusion. Partly because I get at least 6 hours straight a night and none of that crazy 4am waking and worrying thing. Might be worth a try. I’ve resisted them all my life because I thought they turned you into a zombie. They really don’t have to. xx

  • #106295
     Catjam 
    Participant

    I have no idea what my line is. I used to think he would hit me but our kids are grown up now and would certainly raise hell if he did so I don’t worry about that anymore.
    At the moment I just feel dead and numb. The stomach churning anxiety is always present but I don’t think I have a line anymore.

    • #106359
       iliketea 
      Participant

      So get that, that tightness in your neck and shoulders, the constant waiting, and the relief when they’re not there. Stomach churning indeed. Sending strength. xx

  • #106296
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I’ve asked this question to myself so many times, wondering if I should wait for something “worse” to happen before making the decision. The worse came and still I didn’t go. It’s true that everyone’s boundaries are different BUT what your describing is clear enough that you need to go. Why wait for something to justify to yourself that it’s ok to look after yourself and children.

    A very lovely social worker once said to me.. “he’s had an affair/been disloyal, his attacked you physically many times, he’s raped you, his disregard for you total being is clear to see, and still you stay. What is it going to have to happen to realise you deserve better!?” I always go over and over this in my head.

    Your red line is already behind you, not in front. The whole floor is painted red!!! You need to leave and please don’t wait for that permission moment. Your already there!
    You deserve better
    You are worth it
    You matter

    • #106361
       iliketea 
      Participant

      THIS has stuck with me all day, the red floor! It is really really powerful. For so many reasons. Thank you. It really jolted me. xx

  • #106306
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    My red line moves constantly despite me saying to myself enough is enough. It happens again and I dumb it down in my head, wasn’t that bad was it? Been through worse. Maybe it was my fault…if I hadn’t done that…I’ll try harder next time…Sadly just becomes normal in the end.

    • #108429
       Wheresmysparklegone 
      Participant

      Me too. Wow the red line is crossed almost daily.ots not easy to just walk away. I have no idea why that is!

    • #108469
       iliketea 
      Participant

      I think its partly self-preservation, our logical rational brains can’t believe its actually happening, thats for me anyway. My IDVA told me I’m the longest case she’s had, I just didn’t believe it was abuse (its emotional/psychological) and there are all sorts of reasons for that, mostly upbringing and what you’re used to, and I have a lot of resilience, putting up and getting on with things, but its worked against me here!

  • #106322
     Balloons 
    Participant

    I ended up dispensing with a red line altogether, and I think we were in very similar positions @iliketea. What I did is a picked a date a few months in the future when I knew I didnt have to work for a couple of weeks and I could take care of the children on my own, and then when that date came I just left like it was a holiday I’d booked.. didnt want to lose my investment!! I think there is a danger with red lines as was discussed above, they will keep on moving without you ever even realising. It’s easy to say you would leave if it ever became physical, but that might start out small and you might brush it under the carpet, thinking “well that didnt really count”. It sounds to me like you’re already at the point of leaving, and maybe it’s just about taking the plunge and not letting him be in control of that moment too. Lots of love x*x

    • #106368
       iliketea 
      Participant

      @balloons, yes, I’m veering to that way of doing it, when I read that it really made me feel comfortable, like yes, that is the way I should do it, stop the waiting for the moment and run scenario which is going to be really hard anyway. And I guess he has been physical in a way anyway, I just minimise it, he pushes and shoves and I’m always in the way..and has thrown things at me but a while ago now…but I do think it was a threat..because I’m always wondering if he’s going to b**w and do something.

  • #106323
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I’m going to sound like the weak one here but I can only be honest. I do admire these women who drew the line and acted. I never did no matter what he did I begged him not to leave that’s how vulnerable I felt. I know now what I was feeling was not rational. I think this is a very important topic because this is why women are murdered due to dv x something else no one wants to think or talk about but it’s real. He left me once I was freed I then stood back and saw it clearly. I new I didn’t actually need him. I’d only we could see when were so deep in the mess they create ? Disrespecting us is enough reason to leave any situation. But we know it’s not that clear cut 💕😘

    • #106369
       iliketea 
      Participant

      Yes, I agree, its weird that all we go through and there are still taboos for us on this topic, well from society I suppose, how we’ve been conditioned to act in a certain way. Its not weak its brainwashing, its conditioning, its abuse which wears you down so badly. But you got out whatever way it happened! You’re strong! You did it! xx

    • #108467
       Wheresmysparklegone 
      Participant

      These posts are great. The Red Line, wow, never looked at it this way before. Yes, my whole floor is RED. Having read these posts I think I have just moved the red line again in front of me, saying next time that will be it. But he does something again and I just sit there and keep the peace. My partner is controlling. He doesn’t think he is. I also get the evil face shouty face. Its awful. Sometimes shouted at for hours it’s exhausting. Thats just for being friendly with the neighbours. Its ridiculous. Reading these posts is really helpful 🧡

  • #106405
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    Iliketea

    I like your post, as in they are interesting points to raise but it was admittedly an uncomfortable read.
    Braelynn made me laugh out loud with the squirrels, yep this one definitely made me sit up.

    I lived for years before leaving, through some of the most important years of my children’s lives.
    The red line was years before I left, the old me would have got up and gone there and then but…
    Well, without even knowing it, I was already in deep by that point.
    It’s all very complicated (it is for all of us,+ for many different reasons) and I’m not quite there with sharing fully just now, I’m still processing a lot of it.
    By the time I left, I was…on the floor but not through constant physical abuse. I can’t think how to describe on the floor to you, like the lowest of the low. Like dying would have been a welcome release, I do not say that publicly lightly but that was the reality.
    There was something/things that happened that brought things to a head but…(I’m not ready to share)

    Joining this space and starting to share, if I thought for one moment that any woman might look at my experiences and think- I can’t leave because I don’t compare to that.
    I’d get it, they do get you so confused, questioning everything, feeling so very low and worthless but my intention of anything that I share, having got out, would only ever be to support and encourage women to leave/end abusive and unhealthy relationships.
    To focus on their own safety and well-being and that of their children’s.

    We all have different experiences to share. We all have skills and strengths to offer to the cause. There is so much to strive for.
    ‘Until women & children are safe’
    The women on here who have sought out this site, signed up and started sharing on here. They are brave and clever- that’s you by the way Iliketea. Building a support network before they’ve left, reading up- knowledge is power, getting supportive, professional advice and working out the options and next steps. That takes courage when you’re in the thick of it and it’s a really smart move.
    I didn’t do that, I was in a position that I knew very well about the site and the support out there but I didn’t have the courage, couldn’t admit it to myself.
    I’ve a huge amount of respect to all women taking those steps, researching and making a plan, asking questions.

    Ultimately, in the short time that I’ve been on the forum, it has helped me to see how far I have travelled- that there’s no going back. Not that I’d ever go back there but I’m heading onward and upwards and whatever is thrown at me, I’m going to make sure I survive and thrive.
    There is hope that there is strength in numbers, in that, yes the numbers are awful but there’s power in numbers too.
    So basically, the more people we can support to safety, the stronger we become and the emphasis for me would always be to encourage people to get to safety as soon as possible.
    Hopefully before abuse escalates, or is repeated.

    From there, it is supporting each other in our recovery because it is a roller-coaster but I am also interested in how survivors, once feeling at a good place in their recovery, can become voices for change. There is much work to do on that front, on so many levels. Never-mind supporting perpetrators to recover (bit late)- how about protecting mothers and children properly first so that the cycle doesn’t continue…and don’t tell me that there isn’t a cycle, that it isn’t passed down. Biggest load of distracting Piffle-supporting perpetrators indeed, as if that should take any such priority. Prevention not cure.

    Soulsearcher18

    • #106439
       iliketea 
      Participant

      @soulsearcher18 thank you for your thoughtful reply, really sorry if it was a challenging question to post, I think I was a bit tired and perhaps not thinking it through and what triggers it might have for people. Thank you for replying and yes you are totally right. Strength in numbers and it does feel like that with this forum. There are a lot of women here, over 6k active users yesterday, and yes you are right, its 100% about safety before the abuse escalates, and that’s why it is such an amazing forum to be able to discuss, learn from each other, ask questions from the reluctant experts that we all are – thanks so much for saying what I was trying to…so much better.

      I think my thought process was going further too but I was so tired and foggy that I couldn’t articulate it. What I think for my situation is that it’s not that I’m expecting something worse for the permission to leave but in my mind it feels as if society is. I was told by the policewoman I spoke to that it would be so much easier and straightforward if there was something to photograph. That in CC relationships which she had no doubt this was, the evidence was harder to stick. A week later the solicitor said the same, she apologised afterwards but she still did say it. So now I’m sitting here thinking, I want to go but what happens if the court doesn’t see it that way and then its out in the open for him, his abuse then escalates as he’s vindicated and then there’s a child custody battle. I don’t understand why the system is so unfair. Or maybe it isn’t and Im just picking up on those stories.

      And yes, yes, yes, I think that’s another reason why this forum works so well, because there are advocates on here, who have been through it, and are supporting us and are the voices of change. Thank you @soulsearcher18 you chose a good name there.

  • #106422
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    What a beautiful, soulful post, Soulsearcher! Too true, every word. Glad I made you laugh! Hey, we have to laugh right? Is important. We are a living breathing organism here, aren’t we? Much activity, change in motion even if only reading and thinking… I so know there are those at the back of the room listening. Silent for now but very attentive. Sometimes all you can do is observe, read, hide in the shadows. But watch out, you in the back there…. truth will get under your skin. Highly contagious! Sooo if you start to feel a little fire burning inside you, don’t stomp it out, it’s a good thing!

  • #106542
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    Absolutely Braelynn- I’m sure there are plenty in the back reading and taking it all in, or just some of it at a time. Great. That’s a start. That’s a step further each time they join and read.
    It can be really, really difficult to actually pick up the phone to speak, fill in the form to sign up, type down the words and post but reading up is a great start- forewarned as they say.

    Iliketea, not uncomfortable in a bad way- I think this forum is a good space to just write openly and get people thinking and sharing. I find it quite refreshing as in all other areas you have to be on your guard a bit in case people don’t get it, or your thoughts and experiences don’t quite fit their party lines.
    I guess once you leave a situation, when you read of women who are experiencing abuse, you just want so bad for them to see it can be different and to help. It can be easy to forget all the anguish that you yourself actually experienced before leaving- perhaps it is easier to focus on how things are better now and encouraging others to take the leap, instead of reflecting on that time because it was messy and painful and there is regret (as in why didn’t I do it sooner, how did it happen to me…so many questions).

    Iliketea, the systems are messy, frustrating and not fit for purpose- I’m not going to lie. That’s all the systems by the way. All I can say to you is, yes there are things I would do differently in terms of gathering evidence. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. How realistic that would have been given the nature of the type of abuse- you’re heads messy. They are the puppeteer holding all the strings and running the show, so how you get above that when they’ve already brought you to your knees and to the floor. I’m just not sure how realistic that is?
    I mean it is too much to expect a victim to gather evidence. If police could put cameras in to record and stuff, maybe? but I’m pretty much guessing that would go above and beyond anything they’d actually do.
    From what you say, you’ve got professional advice that what you are experiencing is coercive control-from the police too.

    Society…society tells us to be a good little wifey and stay in our place doesn’t it? That’s what keeps so many of us in for so long I think. Society is …need to use a harsh expletive…not going too…Society needs turning upside down and shaking up.

    I wouldn’t advise any victim to wait for society’s approval. Right now there is a spotlight on DV due to the increase in numbers with lockdown and it’s going to be interesting to see how They wriggle out of excusing this significant increase. I’d advise women to trust their gut, think of the safety and well-being of themselves and their children, get out of the relationship whilst they can, build a strong network- sign up to all the professional and voluntary support available on all levels and make the support work for you. Go zero/as minimal as possible contact with perpetrator.

    If you’ve found yourself in this position, it is likely that you have a sincere quality about you, that you’re someone who is caring and wants to help. Once you realise how much these qualities have been exploited and how much hurt that has caused, it is likely that you will always want to be a part of trying to prevent that kind of awfulness from affecting others. Your experiences will inform change and it’s likely that you will join to work for that change to happen in some way but staying put and waiting for that change to happen…if I had done that, then my children would never have known anything different.

    I wish that the systems were different and changed already, they’re not but I still wouldn’t stay. I have no regrets, only that I stayed as long as I did. Whatever the outcome, I can look my children in the eyes and tell them that I’m sorry, I made mistakes but that in the end, I stood up for them and I fought for them. For their childhood and for their recovery.
    If they should come to any further harm because of the ineptitude of the current systems, there are many who will be accountable and I will be the first to hold them to it. But, I have shone a spotlight on that absolute …wolf in sheep’s clothing, a big burning spotlight and have no fear, I’ll not let it fade. Ever.
    Time and Karma.

    Sorry, bit forthright but again a subject that gets me going- society and the systems!

    In solidarity Sister- always
    Soulsearcher18

  • #106549
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Iliketea, he’s already left marks on you, you can’t see them because they are not on the outside. The worst scars I have are from the psychological abuse. Trust me, coercive control was what damaged me the most. if you have physical damage, the body will heal itself. If you have metal damage, it’s a whole different ball game. xx

  • #106551
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    Eggshells, I keep hearing that repeatedly from different survivors and I have to agree too.

  • #107247
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping 💐

  • #107406
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping x

  • #107428
     Cecile 
    Participant

    The law is in place but the process isnt, the usual split for victims. Unless you have n actual live feed of him beating you up then sorry love we cant help (and even the best physical evidence is twisted and diminished). Iliketea you are tired. I suspect with the lovely medication that your brain n has put its feet up by the pool for as few days to think about things rather than being in a state of panic 24/7. The post you have put up here shows that.. you are processing your thoughts with clarity and building your argument. I know this because the same thing happened to me when I started on anti depression meds. I wasn’t depressed I was s**t scared , in a state of trauma 24/7 and the tablets helped to suspend that and my thoughts slowed down, and my heart and soul and body, so I could build up to leaving with clarity and certainty. Its like spraning your ankle or breaking a leg- you might not feel it at the time, then the pain kicks in and the tablets kill the pain and help you think about how to get out.
    the mental damage is far far worse than a leg break. he does not have to hit you. there is already neurological damage. The needs for the medication is already proof of that. I realised my floor was painted red all over and hot as hell when I fell and shattered limbs and lots of other things, and he discarded me like a piece of rubbish. It was when I saw the horrified reaction of NHS staff to him that I knew something was wrong with my ability to feel for myself, and recognise danger. Well here I am free but still on the tabs, playing “I will survive’ REALLY loud and confusing the pets by dancing and they are so unused to seeing me so happy. Listen to what your thoughts are telling you. Your rational mind is now trying to tell you that you KNOW you do not need to be physically hit. A lot more abusers are getting clued up, like mine did, and using non physical forms of abuse very effectively, and consciously. XXXXX keep posting xxxx

    • #108336
       iliketea 
      Participant

      @cecile, so so true, thank you for writing this and explaining it. Keep dancing!! xx

  • #107434
     Rubymurray 
    Participant

    So helpful….very grateful for your initial post and all the great replies.. THANK YOU ALL xxxx

    Just as im get really really stupidly close to somehow leaving… tenancy drafted, awaiting date and feeling so sick thinking HOW im going to do this still with a little one too…
    Terrified, overthinking…..need all the help, advice

    Thank you thank you thank you x*x

  • #107454
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Im at the same stage, we need to get our thinking hats on as to literally how to do this practically. I think we also need to take the advice about not telling. Not a word. As much as it goes against our own reasonable thinking as decent human beings who know wrong from right to just walk, we have to. The reason? Because we are not dealing with people who think how other people think. And it is not safe. I am 100% coming round to the fact that I do not know this person. Therefore I am living with a stranger. Therefore I do not know 100% how this person will react in this type of situation. This is very serious. Much much better to just walk away quietly and safely. At the end of the day I think we need to think of all people as wild animals at heart – how do wild animals behave when their property is taken away from them?

  • #107464
     Same-again 
    Participant

    THE RED LINE?

    A really thought provoking post.

    I haven’t read all the replies but some.

    My red line? Well, I obviously don’t have one. Hence the problem. I would also say (as people have previously) that your red line isn’t always what you think. Surely that’s one of the most complex and misunderstood elements of abuse. Not misunderstood on this forum I might add, society at large as in the ‘I wouldn’t put up with that’, why does she stay brigade.

    Your red line (boundaries) moves (crumbles) or at least mine has.

    I think the ‘if he hits me I will leave’ is usually an illusion. A self-deception which will most likely evaporate along with the last remnants of self respect and dignity.

    An observation:-

    Mine (and one before) have been abusive physiologically and physically and both fairly severe on the old violence.

    The head twisting, shouting, lying, raging, belittling monster is far and away the worst to endure.

    He hits me, it hurts (I sometimes hit him back) then it doesn’t hurt and I have to put some makeup on.

    The pain of the other abuse, god that lives on and on and is a constant horror.

    I’d take a broken rib(s) or a broken nose over that anytime. Oh, in fact I have ‘taken’ them. Hahaha. Bit of black humour there.

    Anyway, I’m looking out of my patio windows and the sun is shining. My flower beds look beautiful and HE isn’t here. Am hoping I’ve drawn a line. Maybe a red one!?

  • #107479
     dustypink 
    Participant

    The real Red Line was when he first shouted at me. I remember this so good even it was many years ago, probably because i was shocked. He seemed nice and calm person, I fell in love with him, he looked so different from my ex.
    And then he’s been shouting at me for at least an hour. I’ve been shocked, cried, but he didn’t care. I’ve done something wrong and he’s been punishing me. This is where I had to go away without questioning myself. This is where I had to trust my own feelings.
    But I stayed. i thought, I’ll be more accurate next time and will learn from mistakes. I thought I really done something bad, because he is nice and calm and this is me who made him angry. I thought relationship is a work and it’s not always nice. And he was nice and kind again next day… So I stayed.

    There have been hundreds of similar situations. And i crossed that line again and again without even noticing how I am breaking my own borders and losing my own personality.

    And in the end… There wasn’t another Red Line which made me to quit. I’ve crossed all of them already. I just thought I will die if i stay. I’ve been feeling so bad… I started to read. My first intention (of course) was to read something to learn how to improve our relationship. But the book I bought had opposite effect and opened my eyes. Not opened really, but I started to doubt, maybe there is everything ok with me? And I just started to read about this, about abuse, educated myself. And started my long journey.

    So my answer is – don’t wait for the Red Line. You’ve crossed all of them many years ago. You are master in crossing them.
    There won’t be any miracle which will make you brave enough to quit. You need to do it yourself. You need to take responsibility for your own life and to make this decision. Be adult. It’s extremely hard, but possible.

    xx

  • #107662
     iliketea 
    Participant

    A Friday night Bump.x

  • #107675
     Rubymurray 
    Participant

    I keep coming back to this post…. so comforting 🙂🙂🙂🙏😘

    @balloons – so i also really like your reply in how you planned it and treated the end, the main goal as a planned booked holiday.

    I will pm you to chat more if thats ok x

    • #107676
       iliketea 
      Participant

      me too @rubymurray, somehow it stuck for me and I’ve been doing just that. I even just bought some coloured nail varnish, got a note to remember sunscreen. Its sort of taken the focus off it being horrendous, maybe subliminal subconscious thinking I really am going on a nice holiday… Suppose it is in a way.
      xx

  • #107771
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping for the women who are doubting, for the women who are wondering, for the women who need some reassurance. Reach out when you feel comfortable, there will always be somewhere here to listen. xx

  • #108257
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping for the new women on the forum.xx

  • #108269
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Yes, this is a really excellent post. I have been back to it several times and read it through start to finish each time. I’m not entirely sure why it’s so good. I think perhaps because it makes me realise that that Red Line question is one that we all grapple with. Isn’t the not feeling alone such a big part of our battle? Doesn’t that inject us with a dose of liquid strength?
    Whoever said that the red line moves/adapts is so right… but the more we read about how other people are dealing with it, the better, I think, a grasp we are able to get on how to just lay that line down. We are better to recognise that Red is Red, and that’s ok. A small hit is as bad as a big hit. Metaphorical or literal.

    I’m going to throw another thought out there… while I have an idea of my Red Line in my head, I am actually thinking that, in fact, it might not be as I imagine it… I think that maybe, in a rather Harry Potter-esque kind of a way, it might just drop from the sky in front of me me and say “that’s me, it’s me! I am your Red Line!! Do it now!!”

    Has it happened that way with anyone? X

  • #108273
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Yes Lottieblue, that’s exactly what happened to me. I did not know my red line was going to be my red line until I’d already crossed it i.e. another abusive incident.

    I nearly escaped previously but went back and so so so regretted it. With the latest incident I just thought I don’t want to be here again in a week/month/years time wishing I’d taken my chance to escape. I finally realised it is never going to stop. And it is never going to get better. In fact, it was getting a lot worse.

    So with the help of these good ladies on this forum I did just that-escaped. Not planned (I would suggest planning if you can but sometimes you don’t have that luxury).

    And I can say for now, even though I’m exhausted and overwhelmed, I don’t regret it one bit xx

  • #108275
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Weirdly, I think my red line has become boredom. I’m just so sick of living like this, like a shadow of my former self, downtrodden, heart racing, constantly on the lookout, reading endless books on abuse, the whole fkn thing, Im BORED!!!! (not of any of you lovely ladies) I just want a normal life, like normal people, doing normal things, laughing and joking and enjoying life.

    So, yes, the red line moves.

    But apart from boredom I think it is also Fear….the more I learn, the more I have this very bad feeling about everything, like this is train crash in slow motion…an accident waiting to happen….its like that slow motion falling glass has suddenly gone full speed…..my gut is suddenly saying GO.

    • #108279
       Cantmakedecisons 
      Participant

      I think you should listen to your gut, our intuition is a strong and powerful thing so please don’t ignore it.

      You’ve spoken about this ‘red line’ before but as I said also the floor is all red for you and a line no longer exists – now the room is filled with red and red is a warning colour/sign.

  • #108276
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    So do you think the boredom is going to force you to go, rather than crossing a line per se?

    • #108335
       iliketea 
      Participant

      Sort of yes and no, that is a red line in a way, I just can’t do it anymore, its no life, I feel like a prisoner, I’m reading a book about a woman who was in a concentration camp, so many similarities…
      As KIP pointed out, and for me too, the line has been crossed many many times, I kept on moving it, so many lines really, so many red flags, as cantmakedecisions pointed out the floor is red, red it a warning sign…its a warning sign in nature too. So for me, nothing major has happened in terms of the situation particularly, apart from another spin around the cycle of abuse…No, what has happened is my education and knowledge has just risen exponentially in the last month. And that has created a massive FEAR. That fear is the red line. For me and for my children. And although I am also scared of the can of worms I will be opening. The fear of him (who has not yet hit me) is far far worse. My gut is saying get out. 100% this is over. Get out. Something bad is going to happen if I don’t.

  • #108299
     Same-again 
    Participant

    So may red lines I have allowed to be crossed.

    I remember having the worst anxiety/panic attack and honestly in my minds eye I could see the evil. His evil face in an almost hallucination kind of way. Powerful. My body warning me. I often don’t remember the violence, my mind and memory does a disappearing act. I know it’s trying to help but really, it’s not helpful.

    My red line. Think we have finally arrived at it. I am on police bail for a very serious offence.

    DON’T BE THE SAME FOOL I HAVE BEEN.

    GET OUT. IT WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER WITHOUT THEM. THEY ARE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING.

    OH, AND DON’T DO WHAT I DID – PICK ANOTHER. SAME-AGAIN.

  • #108317
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hi Everyone

    Like Lottieblue I’m hoping that one day I will just wake up and say thats it! No more.
    At the moment I’m still doing endless reading uve read 4 books in a week, im trying to focus on myself healthy eating, walking etc. Ive been making a journal and slowly I feel I’m gaining confidence and the old me is creeping back. I know I’m not ready to go yet BUT I’m getting myself there, my anxiety during lockdown escalated pretty bbad when I thought it was under control
    . My next steps will be to get legal advice , keep writing in the journal, and then im hoping that once another abusive episode happens ill have everything ready to just say no more and go. Thank you ladies ever so much for all your kind words and support it really has meant a lot to me xx

  • #108430
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Amazing @beautifulday! Xx

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