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Ive been awake less that (removed by moderator) but today I haven’t met his approval already. Today I let (removed by moderator). This was wrong. So far it’s just angry glares and snide comments but soon it will be an explosion. It’s a grim way to start the day. Scared, anxious, nauseated, palms sweating, lump in my throat. Hoping he’ll be quiet when he tells me what he thinks of me so the kids don’t hear. Hoping I don’t cry. Knowing if I try to defend myself it will be worse. Knowing hes not necessarily above a shove.
The odd shove here and there has been a feature for a year. There’s always a reason…I followed him trying to talk to him, he was trying to close a door, I was too close and he was gesturing. It’s only been 3-4 times. They remain the only times hes said sorry. Well, before explaining how it was my fault anyway.
He explains it like I was a lemming – I ran into something and fell – like that’s what people do. I imagine a world full of people running into other people and just falling down. Doesnt sound like reality to me but he tells me it is.
The result of these explosions and the knowledge that hes not above using his hands in anger, is that I avoid him and I dont discuss anything with him in so far as is possible. It’s very lonely. I’m so lonely. Life feels pretty sad at the moment.
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Hi Sande,
This behaviour comes under ‘Induce Debilitation and Exhaustion’ aka Gaslighting and ‘Monopolised Perception.’ You KNOW in your own mind that he has pushed you, but he has somehow convinced you that you fell, you KNOW he has shoved you, but he has convinced you that you walked too close and walked in to him. It messes with your own thought process, and even though you know the truth, you do start to doubt yourself and you become exhausted with all of this going around in your head. I’m sure you can give many more examples of his behaviour where he has done this to you.
The abuser is often successfully able to convince others that the victim is indeed ‘losing the plot’ and will undermine her and get other people to doubt her too. He will back this up by pointing out that the victim is on anti depressants, insinuating she is already ‘mentally unstable’. The fact that most women are on AD’s due to his behaviour in the first place is irrelevant. She fears her story is so implausible that no one will believe her. That is why the Coercive Controller abuser is incredibly dangerous and why professionals really need to understand the effects of C&C Behaviour and how it works.
You haven’t done anything wrong today Sande, it’s just that to him, you will never do anything right.
Take some strength in knowing that it is not you at fault.
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This really resonated, hope you are ok? This is my life too. Its so hard to deal with. I often write myself emails or texts documenting it. Lemmings! Ha, sorry that did make me laugh. Have exactly the same…”YOU were in the way”!…”You were blocking me”… “YOU did it to yourself!”… “You’re exaggerating!”….”You shoved ME”…I love your description. I will remember next time it happens. Lemmings. Keep your humour. Its getting me through. Even in dark times. It can help. I have been known to drop his toothbrush down the loo when I’ve been cleaning it…! “Whoops!”
Do you have a plan to leave? Do you have a support worker? Can you speak to your GP? Sounds like it would be a good idea to get something in place for you.
You’re not alone. There is an amazing support network here. And there are lots of other women going through this too. Weirdly its still not an open conversation. But there is help. Please reach out. Ask questions here. Read, the reading list is amazing. Watch Youtube videos. Sending you a virtual lockdown hug and lots and lots of strength. xx -
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Hello Sande,
Your post also resonated with me, a lot, as well as the replies you have already had. That’s why this forum is so good – when someone else expresses experiences that are so similar to ones own it reinforces that we are not making it up.
I get the odd “shove” too, generally when I’m in the way, and the reason I’m in the way is because I’m not doing something properly, like washing up, or anything really, and he needs to take over because I’m so useless and he’s so superior.
However, I have never had an apology. For anything. He just doesn’t do it. Not even in the theoretical Honeymoon Phase. He just pretends it hasn’t happened. And expects me to as well.I also get the blame for incidents where he is somehow hurt, for deliberately hurting him. I am, of course, the devil incarnate.
I am not actually with my abuser for lockdown but I’m not sure how long I can keep that up now. He still manages to find fault. It’s my fault that somehow his emails come through with attachment but no text, so I can’t see when he asks me to print it off. It’s also my fault, when I do get that instruction, that the person I printed it off for didn’t come and pick it up.
My God I am so fed up. Why is it that we are wired to believe them when they tell us what a pile of s**t we are? X
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I love the toothbrush stories – wish I’d thought of that!!
Worth reading “why does he do that@ by Lundy Bankroft – your abuser sounds like a “Mr Right”
They minimise everything they do and maximise everything we do. I think they actually convince themselves of their version of the truth and are so adamant it causes you to doubt yourself!
Good advice above – definitely worth looking for an exit plan, who wants to live constantly on eggshells. It’s horrendous.
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Hi all
@wantstohelp I have never heard of inducing debilitating and exhaustion but gosh, that describes me right now! It’s so much effort to fight against him. Even the most unreasonable stuff, it creates such drama and then it’s my fault for causing it somehow.
@iliketea very surreal read there as you listed some of the excuses he uses word for word. Literally the exact phrases! The one that turns my blood to ice is “you did it to yourself”. This particular gem was said over me as I lay on the floor crying. Apparently I had thrown myself on the floor with quite a lot of force. Where the heck do they learn this stuff? Love your toothbrush dunking!!! I like to pretend I dont know he likes entire meals. He seems to think I’m pretty stupid so has no problem believing, oops, I forgot you hate that! Glad you like the Lemmings!!! Nice to find humour and to be found funny!!
@headspinning and @lottieblue yes he is by far superior to everyone (not just me, literally everyone) and is very rarely wrong. Often he’ll tell people in professions that are certainly not his, how they could be doing better, somehow I didn’t see this before???
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