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I wanted to start a thread in what moment made you know absolutely you needed to get out of an abusive relationship.
My moment was him coming home and screaming raging crying with rage in my face. He had me up against the fridge and his spit was hitting me in the face.
What terrible crime had I committed? I had (detail removed by moderator).
I stood back and I watched the contempt and hate. I really listened almost like an observer. He said I contributed nothing to our family and he paid for everything so I didn’t deserve to eat unless I got him (detail removed by moderator) immediately.
I had been paying off his gambling debts for years. I was the breadwinner. He refused to work. All our debts were caused by his gambling not working and too many homudays taken by him.
I starved.had no access to money or food apart from the reduced horrible food he bought for us sometimes.
That was the moment I stopped trying to reason with crazy and planned my escape.
What was your moment?
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I had a bad moment like that where I had aparantly bought the wrong milk. The blue top not the green top. But for me, and this may be triggering, he raped me and then he didn’t come back and comfort me afterwards like he had always done. He came back and had another violent outburst.My tears made him rage more. So it wasn’t the rape, it was the fact he didn’t love bomb me and apologise like he always did. Give me comfort and solace. At that point I knew I would kill myself because my mental health just couldn’t take any more. I now realise how very dysfunctional our relationship was. I was traumatised. It was shortly after that I tried to end the relationship and the gates of hell really opened.
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Rape – when he forced himself again on me, as before he made me believe he is not like that and will not have sex on me, when i do not want. He was on his good behaviour for some time. That he is above that, trying to convince me he is respecting me and it is only too much of affection to me. It is my own fault – that I’m too beautiful, too sexy and he can not control his d**k around me. I had quite a lot such accidents like that. And after this particular rape, he tried to comfort me, I said move from me! Do not touch me! – I was crying, I was super angry at myself that I have trusted to be with him in one place and he gave me the word before, he will not do this on me again. And guess what happened? Of course he did one more time. That time he said to me – it is enough of my crying as well. I stupidly believed after all conversations how it made me feel, that I’m not liking when he does this to me, forcing himself on me.
And even when I was sick, he did on me too. Later he said sorry – like or I did not notice you were ‘that’ sick.
What means actually ‘that’ sick ? Saying if I understood that you were ‘that’ sick I would not have done it.
I’m sorry – but you did and who you are to judge to which extend I’m sick. and based on the level of my sickness – you decide to rape me or not to rape me.I had enough of these physical force on me and at this point – I made decision never ever again be in one place with him, and I choose – leave him and take the risk ( of blackmailing ).
Time passed – I still can not take a hug, I still can not use bath, certain food, certain perfume smell. It is all triggers for me. with shower I more or less managing – until recently with therapy, I have my bad and good days taking shower.
It feels I wash and wash myself and I can not get clean , as I feel saliva. it was very specific and I hated it.Since that night – I made in my head, I would rather die, than let him to touch me ever again.
That close I was, I was suicidal during these period. -
I had two defining points. I decided I was taking no more c**p when he tried to ban me from changing my hairstyle. It is such a trivial thing, but it really opened my eyes to how much he believed he had a right to control me. I didn’t leave until later that year though, when I discovered evidence that he was being financially abusive. By then I had had enough and was no longer willing to forgive.
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Hey fridges, sorry to hear this happened to you too. I was suicidal too. I knew I would not kill myself because of my child but on many occasions I hoped I would never wake up again in the morning. I too am still troubled by triggers. Aftershave, ringtones, heavy foot steps. I’ve found a great Psychiatrist who is referring me for new therapy. I think it’s called top dawn bottom up and it deals with the triggers. I will let you know how I get on. They thought they were entitled and tried to break us but we are still standing. Well done you x
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Seeing my son’s face as he stood by and watched an awful outburst before I took him to school in the morning. It was like a switch flicked in my mind and I knew that was it.
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@kip
Thank you very much for the support! All the information what you have learned helping women so much here!
You kind of see through these men.
I hope I’m learning this now too.
As I promised myself – no one ever again will abuse me, specially in a sexual way.
I want to be a free woman, I want to be happy and I want to give this back to people who deserve.
Recently I read that it is good to make a list of triggers – so you know that it is after effect. It is not what is happening now. I keep repeat myself like a mantra – it is ok, it is safe. No one there to harm me right now. Sometimes I get into the warrior state, my body is so intense for days – like I’m prepared for the attack.
For me was so hard to open up and start to bring on surface what happened. As I thought who will believe? Who will understand? Who is there actually to help me?
As when I was a child I was let down so badly by everyone, for years I was confirming with this experience. If at this moment no one was there to protect me, now it is definitely will not be the case.
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It was the night before I literally escaped the house and ran for help from the police. He’d been abusive, the usual verbal stuff and some pinning down…but this time he snatched the computer mouse off me and hid my phone. I thought he was trying to stop me calling someone for help. I tried to stay calm , spoke gently, didn’t physically resist him. I said “you can’t do this Love, you should apologise for what you’re doing to me.” He held me down and bit me hard on the face. As if my even suggesting he was at fault enraged him to the point of attack. Before that point, his physical abuse had been pinning down, trapping me in rooms, smashing things, punching walls etc, but this was the 1st time he’d actually deliberately inflicted physical damage on me. I knew then, no doubt at all, that he had the capability to kill me.
The next day, he did say that he would “stove my head in” and I think if I hadn’t escaped when I did, I wouldn’t be here now.
There were other times when I thought “I have to leave” Usually when he was screaming abuse in my face. I often thought “I can’t stay” and tried to discuss separating from him , but he got angry every time I tried to talk about it. I remember once, he was screaming abuse, picking me up by the wrists , shaking me, dropping me onto the bed, over and over and I thought “I’m going to have to kill myself to get away from him.” But even then, I didn’t go. Until he bit me. That was it. -
Utterly terrifying stories. They should be published so that the world knows how we suffered. The courts should know. The police should know. The medical profession should know. The people who think these fathers have rights too should know. My previous post told how I knew I needed to escape but a sustained physical assault trapping me in a room whilst knowing I was recording it was the final push to ring the police. I was sure he would kill me. There was a red mist and he just didn’t care. Thank goodness my adult son was about. Gosh. We really did underestimate them. Good riddance to bad rubbish x
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It was when I came home to find a letter on the kitchen table saying that he had moved all the money out of our joint bank account and put it in an account with his name only on it.
Then I knew that even if I had wanted to leave with my child I had nowhere to go and with nothing. He had cancelled the phone line, internet etc.
So I left with nothing. That was a few days after he had admitted trying to bully me out of the house (our house…we were married…and so on…_
I left with nothing at all, aside from my child, which is everything.
ftc
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For me it was watching him coldy weigh up in his mind whether to take me upstairs to coerce me into more sex or wait til after dinner when he would have more time. After a short amount of time of twice daily sexual coersion, I knew this time I would say “No.” I hadn’t been able too up until that point. I was so, so scared as to how he was going to react. But I knew that I would not be able to go through with it again. He made me kneel on the floor, etc and repeat his ‘mantras’ to him.
I had ‘decided’ to leave the following morning. Still with some bizarre hope that this was all just one bad dream or that it was going to all blow over.
He made me kneel on the floor, etc and repeat his mantras to him. I later learned that my daughter saw me getting up off the floor.
My heart was pounding a million miles an hour, I felt sick to my stomach. I just couldn’t stand anymore. It was dressed up as romance, reconnection, getting our marriage back on track. But it was hollow, controlling and demeaning. I think that’s what hurt the most, after raping me the previous afternoon, he finally (detail removed by moderator) – that he loved me.
I called the police. I haven’t seen his face since. Nor heard his voice since the non-mol hearing. Long may that last.
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My first abusive marriage ended in my mind when after several years of being treated in a subhuman way I discovered undeniable evidence that he was having an affair. I knew that was wrong. For some reason it was the only thing I stood up for myself over and ended the relationship within a few hours. It was so clear to me. I think up to that point because he made me think I deserved all the violence, shouting, drugging, withdrawal of all funds, bullying etc. I would always see these abusive acts as evidence that I should have been better, tried harder, been more fun, been more serious, been tidier, been more organised, been more caring, been more carefree, I should have dressed better, had different colour hair, cooked better food…..
His affair gave me the strength to leave.After a couple of years of freedom I met a knight in shining armour, less of a knight as it turned out, more of a nightmare.
He was meant to be my happy ending and but he was worse than my ex
husband in many ways, I feared for my life which I hadn’t had before. However I have struggled until very recently to react to his horrendous treatment of me. I always forgive, always cave in to the soft, caring voice he would use to reel me back in.
We had a weekend of him screaming and shouting at me, I refused to go and collect him because I was so scared. He then blocked me on his phone I came on this forum and explained the situation. I was advised to block him back which I did.
I also think a big thing for me was that (detail removed by moderator). Life is meant to begin again for me- and I have decided that I don’t want to waste any mor time being abused. It has been happening my whole life and I would like to know what it feels like to live a life which does not involve fear. So I have made the leap, it’s only been a few days but I really feel like I have had enough. Thank you for starting this as a thread I found writing this very helpful. X -
I’m new to this forum and this is my first post
I am still in my abusive relationship and my ‘moment’ was him punching me hard in the chest at the beginning of the year that it still hurts now, the other defining moment was when about (detail removed by moderator) months later he threatened to put his hands round my throat.
I have been planning to leave, and have the opportunity very soon, but I can’t say that I’m not scared -
Hey welcome crest of a wave. Please get in touch with your local women’s aid who can guide you on how to leave safely. Going for,your throats is one thing the police know is very often a pre cursor to murder so they take it very seriously. If you ever have to involve the police, please make sure you tell them this. And anyone else you talk to. Keep posting. We will help you through this. You deserve the best life has to offer x
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I was dumped by my ex several times during our (detail removed by moderator) year relationship. The last time he broke up with me ( a few days after he beat me while i was driving) he kept texting me making me feel guilty for our failed relationship, making me promise I will change to make things between us work out. I think what made me decide to stop talking to him, block his number and get him out of my life for good was when my psychiatrist explained to me that the pain of a failed relationship lasted only a couple of months but the pain and anxiety of living with an abuser lasted forever, that if he didn’t kill me within a year (the abuse had been escalating quite quickly). As soon as I left my psychiatrist’s office I blocked his number, deleted the last texts and emails he had sent me (that I hadn’t read yet) because I didn’t want to read them anymore. My psychiatrist’s words were magic, they really got to me. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since my appointment with him and I do feel I have the strength to never go back again. The first few days I missed him so much, but now I feel relieved. However, I still struggle to come to terms with the abuse. I don’t love him anymore, I got over him, but I haven’t gotten over the abuse. It makes me angry to be the one who has to deal with all the horrible consequences while he’s living happily. I couldn’t cry at first, but lately I cry a lot, specially when I’m driving (it’s probably got something to do with the fact that the last time he hit me he did so while I was driving). The good thing is I am never going back and I’m proud of myself for that.
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There were a lot of moments when i realized more and more that I can’t stay with him. But the last sraw was a court day. My friend messaged me that without me present he will not face any consequences. (Detail removed by moderator). And the next day I was in court telling my story and asking for restraining order. I did not expect that of myself but I managed to leave him.
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The first moment I started to look at his behaviour was when one of my colleagues said she was going to marry her best friend.
Friends? We might as well have been strangers. I was never allowed to express any emotions and we never did anything together. I was so deeply unhappy that I couldn’t be myself with the man that I married.Secondly, I started to secretly record all the incidents. I’d decided I wanted to leave if only to alleviate the ingrained misery. This diary opened my eyes to the extent, severity and patterns of abuse and gave me the catalyst to go. I could see in black and white that the abuse was escalating. If I ever doubted my experience, I could refer back and remind myself that it really was a living nightmare.
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I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship and deciding to end it was quite sudden. I’d been round at his house one morning and he’d somehow managed to turn me asking him a question into a bad thing where I found myself apologising. I was seeing family that day (to his annoyance) and noticed I kept delaying returning to his as I knew he’d be sulky, moody, blamey and I’d have to apologise as usual. I started to wonder why everything was always my fault and I was miserable but under his spell thinking I was the problem.
Eventually when I went round, he started off calm but gradually I found myself on the receiving end of hours of verbal abuse. I’d never seen him like that before, normally he just played the victim but this time there was this vicious look of glee in his eyes as I cowered away like he was getting energised by my fear. Whatever I said he used against me like he was deliberately trying to create a problem. Eventually he raised his hand and threatened me and at that point (sounds crazy but) I heard an inner guide telling me I had to get out of his house as I wasn’t safe. I knew I had to pretend everything was normal so that he would open the door. I’d been scared going round there before but had dismissed my fears as silly – suddenly it all made sense.
I later rang him to end it and he told me I’d imagined it all! That was the final moment, his words sent a shiver down my spine knowing he was so calmly lying to my face. The whole illusion of who I thought he was flipped upside down as I started to realise with horror I’d been duped by a psychopath.
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Yet another verbally abusive episode, threatening me, intimidating me, belittling me, calling me names, throwing things and slamming his fingers down on the table, how it had all blown up from nothing again, knowing that it had only been a few days since the one before and a few days since the one before that and so on and so on, the now near constant feeling of anxiety (hyper vigilance?) I was feeling in my own home with our young children upstairs just always waiting for the next time. Constantly letting things go trying to keep the peace so he’d turn nice again, hiding upstairs when he came in from the pub and feeling nervous whenever he left the house. I packed our bags at midnight in the dark whilst he carried on drinking downstairs and left first thing in the morning as he watched me carry our children out of the door. He minimises and denies and ridicules my reasons for leaving and ending our marriage. It is the hardest saddest most difficult thing I’ve ever done and I put up with very bad upsetting behaviour for a long time to avoid being in this situation that he says I planned all along because I had fallen out of love with him. If only it were that simple!
xx
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(Detail removed by Moderator) he dropped hot tea on me – 2 cups. It was an accident he shouted at me to clean it the f**k up, told me to stop over-reacting and said I was only upset because it meant I had to get off the phone. (Detail removed by Moderator) I did not want to cook, I asked for takeaway. I don’t know how it happened but after telling him 3-4 times I didn’t want to cook he bullied me until I had cooked him and children a good home cooked meal. He told me to sit down to eat and my 2 children watching I couldn’t because I felt worthless.
These seem small incidents but coming out I am realising he was controlling and abusive for years.
Although separated he is still trying to bully me and it’s horrible. -
I haven’t left yet I’m planning to go in (Detail removed by Moderator) but I think the moment I realised that this was insane and I had to leave before he crushed me completely was a few months ago.
It was late at night we were just about to go to bed and he went to the toilet and then came back out saying (Detail removed by Moderator) I was genuinely like w*f?! It’s late at night and he’s starting on this! He then raged at me for about 10 minutes about how hard he works and I do nothing and I’m not even keeping the house clean. I had enough and actually argued back for a change – massive mistake, he slammed the bedroom door telling me that I wasn’t sleeping in his bed. I spent the night on the sofa wondering how my marriage had reached such a point!
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(detail removed by moderator) I finally filed for divorce.
He’s done so many hurtful things that unbelievably didn’t spring me into action, but recently when we had issues with childcare and my job was at risk if I took any more time off he told me that our joint responsibility for our child’s wellbeing was ‘not his problem’
That did it. I always pretended to myself that he was there for her, even if I hated him.
Within 3 days I had filed for divorce.
He’s yet to receive the paperwork and I’m bracing myself for the fall-out but I’ve no regrets.
I’m more worried about us keeping the home and me being able to buy him out.
The anticipation of the documents being sent is killing me but I finally feel we will get a peaceful life.
Any advice really welcome x-
Hello Moonshine,
I just wanted to show you some support. You have been incredibly brave and strong but I am worried that your situation could become difficult when he receives the papers particularly if you are still living in the same house. Could you find a safe time to phone the helpline for some safety planning advice or is there anywhere you could go with your daughter temporarily? If you are fearful the helpline could also talk to you about getting a refuge space. Your local Women’s Aid will be a good support to you at this time, you can find them on the Women’s Aid website under the ‘Find help locally section’.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator
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When he used our at the time very young daughter to keep me in check and under control. I’d promised myself that the first time I had any sign my wonderful daughter was being affected by his shameless n**********c bullying, that was it. 3 days later we had a restraining order. It was one of the most painful things I have had to endure, and often I felt mad with stress. But it was worth it. Stand tall, take each step, each breath as it comes. You will get there. One thing that helped me was:
“ it’ll be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end” 💖💖💖
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I got out more or less accidentally. I hadn’t planned to leave him. He assaulted me one night after we argued over something minor. He pushed me and strangled me, and took my phone off me when I tried to call the police. I managed to persuade him to let me leave the house and I ran to the police who arrested him.
He had bail conditions not to contact me and I finally told a friend about the abuse.
I went to the police to give my statement the next day and I suddenly realized that he had attacked me when I was pregnant. I remember this sudden moment of clarity, that he must be a bad person to assault his pregnant girlfriend. No good person would ever do that.
Talking about the abuse to someone else really made a huge difference and identifying this one unforgivable thing he did. Before this incident I always went back after the assaults, all I wanted was for him to love me, but not this time.
It was so hard, and it is still hard, but I am glad that I have left and that I am finally free again.
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