What people in your life have shouted and yelled at you?

[lover of no contact]

This may seem like a strange title but I would appreciate your thoughts and experiences of being shouted at.

I have been heavily triggered for a few days since being on the receiving end of someone close to me, who is important to me and I love, erupting into shouting and yelling at me for a very long time. Curse words were also thrown in. It could have got very nasty (the words coming from her mouth) but I was firmly repeating over and over again ‘stop it! stop it! I don’t want to hear. (I just didn’t want to hear the nasty stuff about me so I wouldn’t let her say it.) Luckily I didn’t say anything as I knew it would be twisted and used against me at a later stage.

Although I feel I handled the situation well (in that I didn’t make a bad situation worse) considering it just seemed to erupt out of nowhere it has left me unable to sleep well as my thoughts and feelings are all over the place due to it. It also happened in public with us both walking along the street and me shouting stop it! stop it! Stop shouting at me! Stop cursing! Stop talking to me like that!x 20 +times. You don’t talk to anyone else like that! And she doesn’t.

I feel worried now because if I think back she was making a few negative comments towards me in the previous few days. She had been fine before that. Then I feel triggered because she had contempt on her face and since the incident has made a few more negative comments. At the time she put me under pressure to apologize so we could move on from it. I refused despite her and my son saying just apologize to end it. I refused to apologize (thank God I had kept quiet and not reacted back then angrily ) so she begrudgingly apologized but then let out a few negative comments to me that evening and the next day.

She grew up witnessing my ex-husband (hard-core abuser) shouting at me, following me around, blaming me etc., no respect for me, contempt for me. His family fully support him and I’m the baddie.

I grew up with my mum shouting at my dad like that with him begging her to stop or just saying nothing but obviously distressed by it. My brother joined my mum in shouting at my dad.

I also grew up with my mum shouting at me like the way my daughter did (she’s a young adult now). My daughter had the same contempt on her face as my ex and my mum would have had when shouting at me. That has triggered me greatly.

My ex tried to alienate this daughter from me when she was a young teen and he very nearly succeeded she would be screaming at me ‘b***h!’, ‘I hate you!’ with real contempt back then. But since I went No Contact with my ex (even though he is sweetness and light with her) my relationship with her was good for the last few years. Now this.

I’m not sure if my ex is in the background. He is very good at inciting people to hatred of others. And a few years ago he had incited this daughter and another one to real hatred of me. It was coming out in the way they looked at me and spoke to me. No respect.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking things but I’m worried that I may be on a cycle of abuse with her. And I just don’t want to default into the green phase of the cycle of the abuse (abuse over) setting myself up to be shouting at with contempt again.

I wanted to do them and it came naturally to do them, but I had done so many nice things for her in the previous week. Very financially generous and kind things where I had gone out of my way when she was in need. And also in the previous last months I have helped her out a lot.

I just don’t want to be in a cycle of abuse with anyone ever again.
And I don’t want to be around people anymore who think its ok to shout and yell and direct negative words about me at me.

Just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous]

Hi loverofnocontact, I’m struggling with the same with my eldest grown up daughter. I wish I had some answers because I’m struggling to understand why this cycle keeps on going. Is it because they witness the abuse and mimic it?I maybe shouldn’t be this honest but this applies to me really, I wonder could it be in their DNA? I shudder to think and I’m too scared to even explore this. If the answer is yes that would devastate me. That probably doesn’t help but I’m brainstorming here these are my true thoughts on this xx it’s the hardest thing to face and understand isn’t it? Xx

[Ayanna]

My mother shouted at me until I was in my 40ties. When I was a child she yelled swear words at me.
It had a very bad effect on my entire life.
The ex abuser yelled and shouted at me daily.

You are in your right not to tolerate your daughter’s bad behaviour.
Set boundaries and rules.

My entire family know now that they cannot try anything with me. My reactions to them are very bad if they forget this.
I have lost the fear of losing someone. It does not matter to me anymore.
I only want to live in peace and feel respected.
Interestingly, I do not lose anyone when I re-enforce my boundaries. All what happens is that I gain more respect.

[lover of no contact]

Thanks girls, I feel a bit better after reading your replies. It really is hard to face DIYmum and I’m sorry you’re finding the same thing.

Ayanna, I am really getting to that place where I’m losing the fear of losing someone. Its more important for me to live in peace and feel respected. I like that, that your entire family know that they cannot try anything with you now and that your reactions to them are very bad if they forget this! I love that! I feel I have to nip this in the bud. In the past I shut up and put up and forgave being shouted at but its so true abuse only gets worse, very worse. So I have to change my behaviour and not tolerate being shouted at if one wants to be in a relationship with me.

At work I have been shouted at by certain people. After being shouted at I was professional but cool in the next interactions with them. No pleasant chit-chat with anyone who thinks its ok to shout at me. Its true they are more careful with me now or sometimes I just have to do minimum contact, but this is working for me at work, this is real progress for me.

Its just harder with the people I love who think its ok to shout at me. But I have to put my peace of mind first.

I’m starting to be really grateful for the people at work or in my family or people when out and about who never shout at me. There are actually plenty when I think of it.I will try and focus on them more and appreciate their respect instead of the yellers, who think its ok to empty their negativity onto me.

I just want to be around people now who I come away feeling good about myself, people who have positive things to say about me and others, people who have humour and people who build me up and not try and bring me down.

I can’t control other people and what they say and do but I can control how long I want to be in their company, if at all.

[Benson]

Hi loveofnocontact similar thing happened to me recently, but not by my child but by a close relative. They didn’t shout but it was the way they said something and again it was in public, it was a put me down and really did humiliate me. It made me cry and I walked away. It triggered all sorts and then kept swirling round in my head for a couple of weeks. I now feel like I tread on eggshells around this person as I am scared it will happen again. The way I handle these situations is by avoidance or walking away. One day I hope I will be strong enough to tackle it head on but I know now it has long lasting effects so best for me to avoid.

[lover of no contact]

Benson that is me at the moment, the being shouted at is swirling around in my head since it happened. And that’s exactly how I am after a putdown or being shouted at, I feel tense around the person like I can’t be myself. Avoidance can be a useful strategy and I try that a lot at work. It works well for me to discreetly avoid or try to not be around for long anyone who has shouted at me or put me down with a negative ‘tone’ of voice especially when its a pattern and not a once-off. I experience such a feelings-setback which takes me too long to get over. So I too try to avoid.

Its so helpful to feel my reactions are similar to others in this situation and its helping me to discuss it.

[Iwantmeback]

My mother was a shouter but she did also smack us too. I hated it when my dad shouted, it made me feel id really let him down, that i was worthless. I actually told him at a young age id rather he smacked me instead of shouted at me!+
I shouted at my children mainly near the end of my 1st marriage as i didn’t want to be there so took it out on them. im finding i shout at my dogs to get away from me just now, cos I’m still here and dont want to be.
My ex wasnt a shouter he was a passive manipulator. My OH shouts a lot, to get his own way, to scare me.
I hate shouters, they’re so noisy, you can’t switch it off. Both my kids are now shouters, learned from OH. My daughter speaks to me like sh.. now too, learned from OH also. He’s taught them a lot and i don’t think they’ll ever unlearn it😢😢. Im trying hard not to shout over my loved one’s, im trying not to hurt them with sarcasm but after living with it for so long we pick up the bad habits too. I need to be more aware of it and make amends and not repeat it also.
The hard thing is when anyone shouts at me now i lose all respect for them as i have my OH, they choose to disrespect us, but only we can tell them we’re not accepting it.
I don’t do confrontation, so would like to did an assertion course. To stand up for myself without hurting someone, but then we’re all people pleasers i think, isn’t that what got us in tow with these abusive men in the first place?? IWMB 💕💕

[lover of no contact]

I suppose my adult-daughter is a shouter always has been and she would use words to hurt, and in this case it was because she wasn’t getting her way. But she would never physically throw things or bang doors. My other adult-child is not a shouter but as a teen would bang things and break things and throw things but in anger not to directly hurt a person but out of frustration. Another adult-child would use sarcasm alot with me and putdowns (never with her abuser dad) and with her siblings.

My poor dog who was the most gentle you could meet was often shouted at by me if she had messed up etc and ordered outside in a horrible tone when I too was living with the abuser. I shouted at my poor dog, I feel so bad for her. She didn’t deserve it. I took it out on her.

Funny I thought that very thing today that I lose respect for that person when they shout at me or put me down. It made me feel a bit better to think that way.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi loverofnocontact, what im learning from these posts, mine and others is the strength we are giving to each other. It’s outstanding, total strangers yet we have so much in common. .we just have to find whatever way it takes to get through these times.
It just shows how clever, articulate and generally all round lovely beautiful women we are. Funny us thinking similar thoughts. 💕💕

[lover of no contact]

So true. We are have all those qualities and more! Together we will make it. We have a huge collective STRENGTH from this Forum. We could never leave the abusive relationship on our own but using all our experiences,strength and hope from each other we can do it!!

[Anonymous]

I tend not to have a problem with being shouted at because of army cadets, but my problem is being snarled at. When I made my ex angry, he didn’t need to shout.

In my current job I have to speak to a lot of people and it took me a long while not to be terrified when I spoke to angry men. I now know I don’t have to take it.

[Author]

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