What shall I do?

[Eve1]

My teenage daughter’s mental health is getting worse. She hasn’t gone into school today and has only done (detail removed by moderator)  afternoons since Easter.

The landlord is coming in two days to check the house. I am always really worried in case he gives us notice, although I ‘d like to find somewhere else to live. I’ve already put him off twice and I want to get it over with so I’m trying to clean and tidy up clothes, but it makes me really anxious and I try not to transmit that to her.

Last week I was worried because my daughter said she didn’t feel safe and we ended up going to the gp. I don’t know if I can or should write the detail of what happened in the car, but it was worse than ever before and I got upset. We drove home and at home I couldn’t stop crying for ages. She calmed down. I also rang Camhs the next day as she said she didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t and had a good chat with the psychologist she sees and he said I must let them now if I’m worried about her. I told him exactly what had happened and said that I thought that this was caused by what it was like when her dad lived with us. He spoke about wondering whether the three of us might be able to talk about that and I agreed but I said that my daughter might not want to. Since then I’ve felt really I’m not sure about this as I feel very uneasy about it. I’ve never really said anything to either child about the abuse and as my ex has got more friendly with my daughter over the last couple of years, I feel that it might look like I’m forcing her to take sides and that wouldn’t really help her. I don’t really know what I would say, so maybe nothing will come of that.

But this morning she couldn’t go in to school first thing, so she tried later. She was in bed and I talked to her and she seemed fine. Then I heard her go to the bathroom. A while later I shouted to see if she was coming down, and walked to the bottom of the stairs she was stood at the top and motioned me to come up. I went up and she couldn;t speak but looked very afraid, so I quietly asked if she wanted to go back to bed and she went. Now I think she’s sleeping. It sounds nothing at all, but it’s the being afraid thing that leaves me not knowing what to do.

My worries are: If she doesn’t go to school, I can’t go out to work (which I’m not doing at the moment anyway); These are her (detail removed by moderator)  years and if she doesn’t go to school she’ll do badly; if she feels afraid now, how is it going to get any better?

I’m just trying to get this down so I can feel like I can make some sense of what to do next. I know that her dad’s abuse of me is connected to why she feels as she does, but I don’t know if now is the right time to express it to her.

I’ve also found the email address of the WA that’s not my nearest but is in my county. I’m probably not going out today, so I’m not going to ring them but should I email them? They look like they have counselling services and a drop in session.

I sometimes feel overwhelmingly bad about bringing her into this situation.

xx

[Jupiter]

Hi Eve 1

Just saw your post now and understand your worry re your daughter.

I have mislaid the helpline tel no for them but you could contact Young Minds- organisation which supports young people with mental health issues etc and I hear they are very caring and effective in getting the right help.Maybe have a look online for the details.This would help you too knowing that your daughter can be in touch with them and lessen stress.Someone near me did this and her child got a lot of input from them and is now doing very well.
I know from WA web site that you can send a message directly to them then they can get back to you.
I hope things get better for you soon.Take care.
Jupiter

[Eve1]

Thank Jupiter,

I had stopped expecting a reply to this and thought maybe it was too much off topic, so it was kind of you to reply.

I will contact Young Minds I know my daughter had some information about them but I don’t think she used it. I went in for some of her session and the upshot was I’m going to write about some of what happened when she was little that I think will have affected her and then with her counsellor she can possibly read it, if she wants to It’s going to take some thought and I think I’m going to need some help with it myself.

And I’ve definitely got to find somewhere else to live.

Life is better away from his abuse but it leaves massive, difficult things to deal with, doesn’t it.

Hugs and love to all of us brave women.

xx

[White Rose]

Hi Eve
I really understand what you’re feeling like and want to send you and your daughter a huge hug. You should be really proud of the fact she’s communicating with you and also going in for some school.
You’ve got worries about her mental health AND her education as well as the rest of the stuff you’re dealing with. Use the psychologist more, don’t feel as if you’re wasting their time or over reacting.
Ask CAMHS or your local education dept if there is a “hospital school and outreach service”. If so they may possibly be able to provide education for your daughter linking in with her school either at home or in a small setting elsewhere. Some places will only do this if school attendance is really low, so she may not qualify but its worth discussing. If there is a service CAMHS should know and could maybe refer? That might take pressure off her and you for attendance side of things.
Keep reminding yourself that although these years feel the most crucial in terms of qualifications actually there are loads of highly successful people in employment who’ve struggled at same stage as your daughter.
As you know I’m a couple of years ahead of you in your “daughter situation” and it will get better – it just feels such a long way off right now.
There’s a big rise in teen mental health issues and colleges in particular are getting so much better at picking these youngsters up later on when theyre ready to mkve forward and supporting them.
Education is more than about those $#**$@ grades!!!!
Vocational schemes are great and if her grades aren’t as expected due to things other than “braininess” exams can be re sat along side further learning if needed. Don’t let people get you on the A* bandwagon! Life and health is way more important than grades.
I meet my daughters friends mum’s now and again discussing their child’s gap year and university life and inwardly feel no jealousy only a warm glow and the knowledge that my daughter is now happy (maybe partly due to the medication she has now agreed to take), she’s safe (and she’s alive – there was a time I thought she might take her life, I don’t fear that now) and she’s getting a qualification in a field she loves while being paid for it!
I’m not on here a lot at the moment – bit like no contact it helps if I’m not triggered but private message me if you want and I’ll keep an eye open.
Look after yourself and your lovely daughter and remember you both will get through this x*x

[Knots]

Hi Eve,

I had very similar problems with my eldest, who is now an adult. She wouldn’t go to school, stay in school when I forced her in or do any work. She self harmed, got very angry and withdrew. She developed anxiety and depression as well as low self esteem. She also had suicidal thoughts. These problems have persisted to some extent, but she now understands how to cope and accept appropriate help now she is older, so is much better and has a good life.

I think I made a mistake trying to keep her on track with her education. It was a nightmare, even though I got her to university. I think she would have benefited from taking time to grow through the difficult teenage years and learn to cope, them return to education when she was a bit older. Don’t worry about your daughter not coping with education now, she can return as an adult and will be more motivated and able to cope. There are specific causes for adult learners and a lot of these learners have returned after experiencing difficulties during their school years, so it is never too late.

I really feel for you, I know how terrible the worry is and how difficult it is to know what is best, but it will get better, remember all teenagers have their struggles, so this just makes the problems more intense at this stage. She has professional help too, it just takes time.

Best wishes to you both

xx

[Eve1]

Thank you so much White Rose, I appreciate the hugs! My daughter is going to have some help in schoolfrom an educational psychologist, so we’ll see how that goes for her. It’s good to have that information though. Her attendance had been really low and I’ve been at a loss to know of what happens if she doesn’t go, so it’s good to know there could be options.
And I’m grateful for your offer to pm, I may well take you up on that.

Thanks also Knots, I do hope I haven’t pushed her too hard. I really hope not, it’s not my style. It’s really helpful to have your encouragement.

xx

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