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    • #28337
      chocolatefudgecake
      Participant

      I cant stop thinking that maybe its time to call off my case, i cant be doing with the waiting. I know nothing will get done and he will get away with things, its been over 2 weeks now and im still torturing myself. Thinking why do people like him get to walk around smug when im here blaming myself. Why didnt i see the signs? Why am i so stupid

    • #28339
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      hi chocolatefudgecake,

      You didn’t see the signs because we don’t think like they do. We don’t have the mind-set of an abuser. We’re not arrogant, entitled, grandiose with a sick personality like they are. We do not manipulate and deceive people to have Power and Control over them, knowingly knowing we are duping them.

      You are not stupid you were just not aware. And how could you have been. They don’t teach us about abuser personalities in school. (They really should) as so many people are on the receiving end of these types of personalities and left an emotional, physical and financial wreck as a result.

      You were never to blame. Its not your fault. You were just unlucky (as I was and the other ladies on here) to come in contact with an abuser.

    • #28350
      chocolatefudgecake
      Participant

      and i didnt think he would do it after all he made me believe he had changed.

      I just feel as if i cant move on, feel as if i should be back in contact. My mind is playing massive tricks on me.

      Why does it happen to good people thats the question, may i ask you something please?

      Does it get easier?

    • #28363
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      It really does get easier. Your recovery from abuse can only start if you have No Contact with him, which I gather you have or absolute minimum contact (if children involved, preferably involving a third party).

      The early days are hard and a lot of patience is needed. But in my court case patience and being able to wait were essential. It may also bring a better outcome than reacting to the situation and wanting it all fixed immediately.

      Really use the support from this Forum as much as you can either by posting, reading the posts or both. You will strengthen considerably from our experiences, strength and hope.

      There is hope. There is life after abuse. There are ups and downs of course, problems with finances, kids etc but nothing is as bad as being in the abusive relationship. Nothing is as painful and soul destroying as being in that cycle of abuse.

    • #28364
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      I would say it happens to good people because they wouldn’t be able to dupe those who are like them. Those who are like them, other bullies and abusers, can control their emotions and thrive on causing an emotional disturbance in others. They can’t really abuse their own kind. They can only really abuse those who possess empathy.

      In fact they lack kindness, gentleness, empathy, good manners and respect etc. They are lacking so much.

      We have these qualities in full. If my abuser hadn’t damaged my children and I so much I might even have a tiny ounce of pity for him at him lacking so much. All he possesses really is his ability to hurt others. What a sad waste of a life.

      • #28400
        chocolatefudgecake
        Participant

        I have no contact with him what so ever, deleted all trace of him but cant get him outta my head. I duno how someone can just switch the way he did, i just wish they had dealt with this sooner instead of me having to wait.

    • #28377
      Savingmyself
      Participant

      Hi Hun
      what you seen when the mask dropped is the real him
      Yes he can put back on the mask again and play nice guy but they are what they are and under that mask is the real him and they cant keep the mask on for ever
      you have seen the real him and he sounds very dangerous and scary
      Please don’t believe his words it’s all a game to them
      please stay away from him it will get easier and you will meet other people in time
      Big hugs x*x

    • #28378
      KIP.
      Participant

      Let the police get their evidence first. Then you can decide. I found it comforting when they took the decision out of my hands. I’m glad I held him to account. Otherwise he would still be abusing me. They are true cowards when other people and agencies get involved.

    • #28402

      Dear chocolatefudgecake, I couldn’t get my ex out of my head either, I thought about him initially for 99% of every day & dreamt about him every night. The thoughts were obsessive and intrusive and no matter how much I tried to stop them, they kept coming into my mind. As time passes these intrusive thoughts reduce. I still think of him every day but it is now more manageable and contained. I have some really great links that helped me massively to understand why I was deeply longing, craving and yearning for anything from him post split. I would sit and look at my phone praying for a text message although I had blocked him and finished with him. None of it made sense. These links will explain the psychology of why you feel this way, its actually a condition and response to an abusive controlling relationship. I will PM you with the details. X*X

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