What to do

[Tooch]

Well I’m still in my relationship although I’ve asked him a couple of times to leave and give me some space (cruel but maybe my way of getting him out the door)! He obviously refused saying he had no where to go and didn’t want to leave me and wants to help me through depression (which he made me stop taking tablets) as they were apparently causing me to stop loving him, am I bring cruel by starting to plan how I’m going to leave behind his back and and looking for somewhere else to.live and should I just ask him again, the idea fills me with dread and butterflies as he will only turn it around again that I need him here to help….. Oh what to do I’m so confused

[Relieved]

Hi Tooch, it could be him and the relationship causing your depression, I know that was the case with me. He’s trying to make you reliant on him, he’s telling you that you can’t live without him but you can and you need to. You are not being cruel. Put yourself first, go look for somewhere else to live and make a plan to go without consulting him. Have you called the helpline for support in getting out? You can do it, you have to get away from him and go no contact so he can’t talk you into going back. Have you read up on abuse tactics? Knowledge will give you strength and awareness. Good luck x

[KIP.]

Im sure you have tried many many times to reason with him and you know the outcome. Get yourself away to a safe place. He is not your responsibility (as much as he makes you feel like he is). Fear, obligation and Guilt. FOG. Thats how these abusers work.

[Tooch]

Thank you kip and relieved for your reply, I know that everything he’s put me through is the cause of my depression, I’ve not had chance yet to ring the helpline but I’m planning on it tomorrow, seems I’ve got a lot of reading to do and didn’t realise there was so much information out there thanks for your support x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Tooch,

I have had mental health problems and was very depressed and anxious in the relationship due to his abuse and my ex also used to say that he ‘wanted to help me’ all the time, he was still saying it recently in texts and emails harassing me after I’d left. I’m afraid to say it is all lies, they say stuff like this as it’s an easy way to manipulate us. They have a book of tricks they use and this is one of them. There is no way these men can help us, as they are the cause of our problems.

There is an excellent book called Why Does he Do that by Lundy Bancroft and also Pat Craven’s resources online are great about the dominator etc, they should come up in a google search. Just make sure he can’t see you reading them.

You’re probably going to have to leave when he is not there without him knowing if you have decided you are ready to go. Ring the helpline for help and advice on putting a plan together to escape. xx

[Tooch]

Thanks sunshinerainflower, so right now I’m just agreeing to us being together to keep the peace while I get myself sorted, I can’t get through to speak to anyone on the helpline they must be busy.

I’m dreading this week as it’s (detail removed by Moderator) which I obviously don’t want to celebrate but he keeps asking me what we’re gonna do but to be honest we’ve never done anything before so don’t understand why he wants too now

[SunshineRainflower]

Can you google your local domestic abuse support team for your area? Mine has a local number to ring and is a lot less busy than the women’s aid one. They were incredibly supportive and helpful, got me an outreach worker and referred me to a support group and pattern changing course. There is a search facility on this website for it too. Keep ringing the helplines for support and advice until you get it. There are also domestic violence safety plans you can download online. It’s good that he isn’t suspecting anything, keep your plans a secret and keep posting.

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse. That’s why he’s being nice now. He senses you’re trying to end things. I talked my ex into a trial separation but still with ‘date nights’ to work on our relationship. That’s another option to get him out.

[Tooch]

Thanks kip, it was just an option I thought might work rather than the sudden move for me and my son but hey it was worth a try x

[Tooch]

Well I’ve finally spoken to helpline bit scared now about the options seems so harsh and feel guilty as I told them of some of the things that have been happening and his legal access to weapons (which have never been a threat at all) also where my son witnessed an incident not physical to me but they said there was a safeguarding issue maybe now I’m worried and scared that it will all come back on me and my son is removed feeling very unsure of everything x

[KIP.]

You have done nothing wrong. If they are mentioning a safeguarding issue, it’s because they think your son may be in danger. Listen to the professionals. They won’t remove your son because you left a dangerous situation. I felt guilty speaking about my husbands behaviour. But it’s his bad behaviour not mine. They programme us to feel guilty, that’s how they get away with abusing. They want us to remain silent.

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