What to do

[Watershipdown]

Hi everyone

Reading through these posts has been hard but helpful ..

So I have filed for divorce from my husband of (detail removed by Moderator) years we have (detail removed by Moderator) kids (detail removed by Moderator) – he has suffered with depression ( wouldnt get help ) so to be honest it has been hard going dealing with his moods, over the years he has said some really hurtful things to me, mostly when he has had a few drink – called me fat, made fun of my (detail removed by Moderator) scars, has spat in my face ..

He had an affair before we got married – anyway I have tried to make it work but the nasty comments has made me dislike him so much, I also had an affair in which he found out .. we then went for counselling to try and work things out, he tried to attempt suicide ((detail removed by Moderator)) anyway I was terrified he was going to harm himself so continued with our marriage for the sake  the kids at the time.

(detail removed by Moderator) years on I just do not want to be with him anymore so have filed for divorce and now all the nasty behaviour has escalated – he has sent absusive texts calling me all the names under the sun, he has told the kids what a bad Mum I am for cheating on him and how disgusting I am – he comes home drunk and then the name calling starts, he has keyed my car, I have called the police (detail removed by Moderator) once as he took my phone off me and then the keyed car incident ( they had no evidence as he had deleted the (detail removed by Moderator)) – anyway I have just remained silent whilst he carries on saying things to me, but he is now trying to get the kids involved by having a go at them as they arent supporting him and hes tried to kill himself over what I have done …. I cannot afford to move out until we sort the finances out by the courts so have been staying with friends every so often but I do not want to leave the kids with him … at the moment I have decided one more verbal attack I will call police again this would be the (detail removed by Moderator) time and then think about a injunction to get out of the house …. sorry for offloading and thank you for reading xx

[Lisa]

Hi Watershipdown,

Welcome to the forum. You have nothing to apologise for for offloading. This is a space where you can do that safely and share support with other women who understand.

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot over the years and it’s understandable that you’ve reached the point where you are ready to file for divorce and get away from him. You mentioned your husbands depression and then listed some abusive behaviours, calling you names, making fun of you, spitting in your face (which is assault). Lots of people struggle with their mood but don’t abuse their partners. The fact that he didn’t seek support for his mental health, putting it onto your shoulders to cope with, has been part of the abuse. Abusers will blame their behaviour on whatever they can. It sounds like he was using depression as his excuse and this has now shifted to the affair. However, abuse is all about power and control and there is no excuse for how he has treated you.

This must be a very hard time for you with the abuse escalating, which is a common response from abusers to try and stop their partner from leaving. I’m glad that you’ve called the police for support when you’ve needed and that you have a plan in place for the next incident. Rights of Women have some very useful information guides on the criminal justice process. If you wanted to make a formal statement to the police about the abuse, that should be treated as evidence. Your local domestic abuse service should be able to offer some ongoing support. Services differ but for many that includes advocacy with agencies like the police, support around understanding and accessing your housing options, and steps to keep safe.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Watershipdown]

Thank you ever so much Lisa x

[Author]

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